How social muteness affects the Body of Christ
Jesus made a remarkable statement, that He only said what God the Father commanded Him to say. As His followers, our speech should also reflect the heart and love of the Father for people. Yet we can selectively stay silent out of a fear of people. Talking about trivial matters feels safe but we self-censor and silence our own voice when it comes to matters of importance or matters of the heart. Such “social muteness” can bring unintentional damage to the Body of Jesus Christ, especially if we resist God’s Word and the Holy Spirit’s promptings to speak up and address difficult situations within the Body of Christ.
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 社交沉默如何影响基督的身体 | 繁體中文 > 社交沉默如何影響基督的身體)
John 12:49-50 ESV For I have not spoken on my own authority, but the Father who sent me has himself given me a commandment—what to say and what to speak. And I know that his commandment is eternal life. What I say, therefore, I say as the Father has told me.”
(The Body of Christ refers to God’s people who unite together under Jesus Christ as the Head of His church. Just as a physical body does not remain still, the Body of Christ is an active vessel of God’s truth, love, and grace in this world through the powerful working of the Holy Spirit.)
As we mature in our walk with the Lord, we are expected to move with God’s love and grace to teach, counsel, and admonish each other, with the wisdom that comes from His Word and His Spirit. There is always something we can learn from one another, with God’s help.
Colossians 3:16 ESV Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
The challenge is that the Body of Christ comprises sinners who will offend, hurt, and sin against one another. Believers are imperfect people who have faults and shortcomings that lead to friction, misunderstandings, and disagreements. There is no one who is perfect in all that they say and never sins.
James 3:2 NLT Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
That sometimes means that we have to have difficult conversations with one another. We may need to warn those who are idle and disruptive, correct someone, or encourage the disheartened. As a united Body of Christ, we are called to “always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.”
1 Thessalonians 5:10-11,14-15 NIV He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.
Anyone who has learnt to selectively silence themselves will naturally find this calling challenging. Thankfully, as we follow Christ, we will learn to love others as we love ourselves. Love will help us overcome our personal fears and strongholds. As we humbly “count others as more significant than ourselves,” we will gain the courage to relinquish our self-imposed muteness for the good of other people.
Matthew 22:36-39 ESV “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
Philippians 2:3-4 ESV Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Some ways “social muteness” develops
We use the term, social muteness, here to describe the ways we selectively hold back from speaking up because of social anxiety. Such muteness may develop when we experienced some of the following as we grew up:
- Patriarchal or hierarchical | Only the male members, elders, or older siblings got to have a say at home when we were growing up. Hence, we were not given the chance to speak up because we did not qualify for those criteria.
- Culture of silence at homes | Communication was discouraged or non-existent at home e.g. both parents were absent due to work, a household rule that “children should be seen but not heard” was imposed, or our family never discussed their emotions etc.
- Rejection | We faced constant rejections growing so we have now invalidated our own worth and voice.
- Asian model of success | We were indoctrinated in the philosophy of “just keep your head down, don’t ask questions, and work hard.” Everyone is expected to fit into a certain mould, no questions asked, because the cost of not fitting in is too high.
- A fear of triggering chaos | We grew up with a family member with an unpredictable and volatile temper. This created fear and anxiety in others saying anything that might unexpectedly trigger their unpleasant reactions.
Conversations were either minimal, superficial, functional, or all of the above.
As a result, the ability to feel safe, accepted, and confident to speak up was simply not cultivated in us. As adults, we now:
- Feel that speaking up for ourselves may be disrespectful or dangerous.
- Struggle to speak up for ourselves in many other areas of life, such as work or friendships.
- Feel that saying “no” is similar to committing a sin. (To cope, we may suppress our desires, procrastinate, or seek other pleasures in compensation.)
- Learn to avoid conflict and difficult conversations.
- Feel the pressure of pleasing our elders and upholding family honour. We are insecure about our decisions, in case we bring our family shame or dishonour.
- Constantly defer to our elders for decisions, even at the cost of our own desires.
- Equate being submissive, cooperative, and accepted with being good.
- Feel ambivalent about our personal boundaries.
- Have difficulty expressing our true feelings. Emotions can be complex and intertwined but unfortunately, our vocabulary is limited to just a handful of emotions.
- End up giggling or laughing, sometimes inappropriately, when we don’t know how to address something in a conversation, as a way to divert attention or soothe the anxiety we feel inside.
- Lack practice in initiating and holding weightier conversations without feeling anxious or defensive.
- Tend to avoid, withdraw, or hide ourselves from conflicts or issues.
Note: Sometimes, such muteness or passivity is the result of the work of a Jezebel spirit within the household. This is where one spouse nags or belittles the other into submission and silence, and the children follow suit. This silencing is sometimes referred to as the work of the Ahab spirit. In such circumstances, the Lord’s Spirit is not the Head of the household. Also, see Overcoming the spirit of Jezebel
How social muteness affects the Body of Christ
“Social muteness” is essentially a pattern of our fleshly nature, rather than the pattern of someone who is being renewed by God’s Word and the Holy Spirit. As Romans 8:12-15 points out, when we “live according to the flesh, we will die, but if by the Spirit we put to death the deeds of the body, we will live.” When we mute ourselves, a part of ourselves dies along with it. This will also affect the Body of Christ.
Romans 8:12-15 ESV So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!”
Let us take a look at some scenarios to describe how a fleshly pattern such as social muteness can affect the corporate body of believers . These examples are meant to alert us to the possible issues that can arise, although they do not describe all situations.
Scenario 1. We mute the open and safe expression of love and affection
Where we have learned to mute our voice, and hence, our emotional self-expressions, we may also stifle the genuine expression of God’s love within the body of Christ, even during times where love, comfort, or mutual affection are much needed. Such uncommunicativeness can mean that we become “ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ” who is the Author of love.
2 Peter 1:4-8 ESV by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Scenario 2. We avoid talking about sin
As believers, we are to live as people whose old sinful selves have been crucified with Christ. In order words, sin has lost its power over our lives. We are no longer enslaved to sin.
Romans 6:6 ESV We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.
It should be a concern therefore, when we observe a fellow believer who is still struggling and living in bondage to sin. When we love someone, we will humbly and sacrificially walk with them back out of such darkness. More than just talking about the act of sin itself (which may come across as condemning), we need to learn to help them address the issues of the heart where they need God’s loving reassurances and healing (where we focus on a believer’s restoration). Sinful thoughts and actions are birthed in broken and hardened hearts.
Galatians 6:1 ESV Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
Matthew 15:19 ESV For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.
We also avoid talking about our own sin and finding relief, forgiveness, and deliverance through confession. We suffer in silence and believe that we must be the only ones who struggle with the sins that we do.
With social muteness, we typically choose to remain silent and turn a blind eye to sin within the Body of Christ. When we don’t address sin in loving, respectful ways, we can miss vital opportunities to “bring back a sinner from his wandering and save his soul from death.”
James 5:19-20 ESV My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.
Scenario 3. We stifle our spiritual gifts
Many spiritual gifts from the Holy Spirit involve speaking up, such as the “utterance of wisdom and knowledge, prophecy, or interpretation of tongues.” Offices in God’s kingdom, such as prophets, apostles, evangelists, teachers, and pastors, are all required to speak boldly for Christ. In fact, the Bible shows us in Acts 14 that it was when the disciples spoke boldly for the Lord, that God bore witness to their testimony of Jesus by granting them signs and wonders to confirm their messages. Miracles go hand in hand with boldness of voice and action for Christ.
1 Corinthians 12:8-11 ESV For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills.
Ephesians 4:11-16 ESV And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ, until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to mature manhood, to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
Acts 14:3 ESV So they remained for a long time, speaking boldly for the Lord, who bore witness to the word of his grace, granting signs and wonders to be done by their hands.
Scenario 4. We hold back from asking for personal prayer
Where we are so used to suppressing and not speaking up for our own desires, we will also by default, hold back from asking for prayer for ourselves. We try to convince ourselves that we can handle things on our own and not bother other people. We do not see that we may be just one prayer request away from experiencing relief and freedom, through the powerful prayers of confession and repentance with another believer who comes into agreement with us.
Matthew 18:19-20 ESV Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
James 5:16 ESV Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
Scenario 5. We feel easily offended or even violated by godly correction
When we are not accustomed to speaking up to address pressing issues, we can be easily offended when other people lovingly approach us to address our issues (blindspots). Rather than respecting their efforts and humbly welcoming godly correction, we feel as if some unspoken boundaries have been crossed and become upset. Becoming too quickly offended means we miss out on vital godly edification, encouragement, and building up. Also, see The need to quit being offended.
1 Thessalonians 5:12-14 ESV We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.
Scenario 6. We gossip behind people’s backs
We all need to “get things off our chest.” When we have issues with being direct in our communications, we find it hard not to talk about our interpersonal conflicts – so we go behind people’s backs instead.
We vent our frustrations to others, without fully realising that what we are doing is called gossiping and slandering, things that God’s Word repeatedly speaks out against (Romans 1:29, 2 Corinthians 12:20, 1 Timothy 5:13, Matthew 15:19, Mark 7:22, Romans 1:30, 2 Corinthians 6:8, 2 Corinthians 12:20, Ephesians 4:31, Colossians 3:8, 1 Timothy 3:11, 1 Timothy 6:4, 2 Timothy 3:3, Titus 2:3, 1 Peter 2:1).
2 Corinthians 12:20 ESV For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find you not as I wish, and that you may find me not as you wish—that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder.
1 Peter 2:1 ESV So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.
Such speech divides the Body of Christ and leads to “church politics.” It grieves the Holy Spirit.
By doing so, we also become a bad testimony to non-believers. If we talk behind other Christians’ backs, how can they believe our assertions that God’s love is perfect, when we behave no differently from the world? We tarnish God’s image through our actions.
We need to remember that we are called to be self-controlled and sober-minded and to keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. To “get things off our chest,” we can go to God in prayer and vent to Him. We can trust God will listen to our frustrations and help us as we seek His counsel first. Also, see Please vent to God, not to people.
1 Peter 4:7-8 ESV The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.
Scenario 7. We may try to manipulate others into speaking up for us
Another way we may try to deal with our unease with being direct and upfront with someone else is by going indirectly through a third party, by having someone else to address a problem on our behalf instead. This unfortunately, creates fertile ground for mis-understandings and mis-quotes.
The Bible gives us a clear model on how we are to handle grievances within the Body of Christ through Matthew 18:15-17. If someone sins against us, we are told to privately tell him or her their fault first. It does not tell us to remain quiet or go behind their backs, as the first resort. (This, however, does not apply to those who have been cruelly violated by unrepentant abusers. We need to ensure a safety zone in such circumstances.)
Matthew 18:15-17 ESV “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Mediation may sometimes be necessary and we need to first pray to ask God for His counsel on next steps. After all, God is our “Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
Isaiah 9:6 ESV For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Scenario 8. We foster hypocrisy
When we are unable to be upfront about how we truly feel or view something or someone, we hide a part of ourselves and end up speaking out of a place of hidden truths. We can’t be 100 percent ourselves. This leads to hypocrisy in relationships.
We may wish to feel accepted by those we fear being rejected by, but by covering our true feelings, we are not able to genuinely connect with others either. This is both tiring and soul destroying. Such is the bitterness of hypocrisy.
Scenario 9. We allow our own leaders to become blindsided
We are to honour all our elders and authorities and speak respectfully to them. This does not mean church leaders never sin and never need to be edified. The question is how we can do so in ways that honour them, bring them life, and build them up.
Titus 3:1-2 ESV Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.
Ephesians 4:29 ESV Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Galatians 6:1 ESV Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
When mature believers in a church congregation stay muted, however, leaders can make mistakes and run unchecked and unchallenged. This sets up a dangerous system, where church leaders are heralded like gods and never questioned, even when their decisions and teachings become problematic or even unbiblical eg. using church funds for their own personal means, quenching the Holy Spirit, bringing in new age spiritual practices, dismissing spiritual gifts, suppressing the next generation of upcoming leaders, and so on. A church body that does not edify one another falls into calamity together.
1 Peter 5:1-5 ESV So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Scenario 10. We fail to speak up for the oppressed and voiceless
Last but not least, our pattern of staying silent can mean that we don’t “open our mouths for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute.” Because we have drawn a very tight safety or comfort zone around ourselves, we don’t step up to “seek justice, correct oppression, bring justice to the fatherless, and plead the widow’s cause.” God’s Word calls this wicked.
Proverbs 31:8-9 ESV Open your mouth for the mute, for the rights of all who are destitute. Open your mouth, judge righteously, defend the rights of the poor and needy.
Isaiah 1:17 ESV Learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.
Proverbs 29:7 ESV The righteous care about justice for the poor, but the wicked have no such concern.
In closing
Speaking up and turning from social muteness does not mean we get into “foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law.” Rather, it is about fostering genuine and strong relationships with one another where we speak truth in love, so that we “grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.”
Titus 3:8-11 ESV The saying is trustworthy, and I want you to insist on these things, so that those who have believed in God may be careful to devote themselves to good works. These things are excellent and profitable for people. But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless. As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.
Ephesians 4:14-16 ESV Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
Having authentic, though difficult, conversations with one another takes humility and is an important way to foster strong relationships. It shows that we care for others more than we care for ourselves – this is the evidence of love. Hence, it is not something to avoid but to embrace. When we can overcome our personal differences to keep loving one another, no matter the circumstances, we truly grow stronger as a multi-faceted Body of Christ.
Also, see Responding to interpersonal conflict between believers
As long as we pray and wait on God the Father for what to say as Jesus did, the Holy Spirit will give us the words we ought to say at the very moment we need to speak up. This is an exercise of faith but one that is very rewarding as we get to experience God in very real tangible ways. As we speak the truth in love as directed by the Holy Spirit, He will ensure that the Body of Christ grows and builds itself up in love. That is His job and we are His workers.
Luke 12:11-12 ESV … do not be anxious about how you should defend yourself or what you should say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
Ephesians 4:15-16 Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
Testimony: Recognising a spirit of muteness in the family
“As I was preparing my heart for the baptism, God revealed a few things to me.
Because of my upbringing with my earthly father, there was a lot of hurt and judgment towards him – and towards God. I did not feel affirmed, acknowledged, seen, or loved in my formative years because my dad hardly said anything or anything of emotional significance. All I could recall was the significant amount of pain and hurt I had felt.
I was led by the Holy Spirit to repent of my judgements of my earthly dad and God Himself (because I judged Him too).
At my baptism, I prayed to God to renew my heart so I could be free from the strongholds in my life – to be able to feel, see and love others like Jesus does. I told God that I was prepared to give it all up, dedicate myself to Jesus Christ, and die to my fleshly self and ways of control, judgement, bitterness, so I could finally live my life with the freedom to be who He created me to be.
God did the impossible that day, an act of miracle.
After my repentance and baptism, I was finally able to see my earthly father with God’s new heart for the first time after decades of cold, hard silence. I felt like a veil had come off and my hardened heart began to soften – something I never thought could happen!
I could now understand that my dad is a man who was broken through his own family upbringing of abuse and emotional wounding. The Holy Spirit also revealed that my earthly father has been in bondage to a spirit of muteness. This meant that he was muted so that he could not respond at all in any situation – which was what exactly happened on many occasions when I tried to speak and plead with him for a response.
I praise God for His goodness and faithfulness to my family, for revealing the heart of all His creation to us, and for his redemption, even through the lens of our own brokenness.”
May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and to say what He wants us to say.