Breaking the curse of low self-esteem
No one understands what it feels like to be brought low by others more than the Lord Jesus Himself. Isaiah 53 shows us that Jesus was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows who was acquainted with grief. Jesus has suffered more rejection than we have, although He never let His emotions define Him. Our wonderful Saviour is able to empathise with the anxieties we feel as a result of low self esteem.
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 破除自卑的咒诅 | 繁體中文 > 破除自卑的咒詛)
Isaiah 53:3-4 NKJV He is despised and rejected by men, A Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken, Smitten by God, and afflicted.
No one is born with low self esteem
Low self esteem primarily develops from feeling rejected, neglected, or put down by others or by environmental pressures.
1. Childhood pain
We can have the highest status in society and still suffer from low self esteem because of negative self-beliefs we picked up when young. Perhaps we did not receive appropriate affection, nurturing, teaching, encouragement, or reassurance growing up. Where there was no adult to soothe, comfort, and guide us when we needed them the most, we can as young children question our value or even blame ourselves for our parents’ absence or troubles.
Our truth as believers: We are to seek God for our every need, especially our emotional ones, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:6-7). The Holy Spirit will teach us all that we need to know and He will never forsake us. He is close to the brokenhearted and wants to heal our hearts.
Psalm 34:18 NKJV The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
2. Parent’s way of thinking
People with low self esteem will unwittingly project and pass on their own negative self-beliefs to their children, such as “people just don’t like people like us” or “you are useless (because I feel useless).” They may also subject their children to undue pressures to make themselves feel less inadequate, but end up making us feel inadequate as well.
Our truth as believers: Most parents truly try their best, but can “infect” us with their own low self esteem by how they parent. We ought to see that their words and actions are largely influenced by their own imperfect upbringings or societal pressures. As followers of Jesus Christ, we have a perfect Father in heaven and we all need to renew our minds about what He says about us, rather than follow the words of imperfect human beings.
1 John 3:1 NKJV Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him
3. Environmental pressures and social shaming
Everyone faces pressure to conform to a type of body shape, a type of skin tone, a type of thinking, a type of belief system, a type of education, a type of job etc. When we don’t conform, we risk being judged, openly shamed or even ostracised.
Other times, our family’s standing may be looked down upon because we lack the money, status, or education that our society worships. We are left feeling like an outsider, unwanted, and “defective.”
Our truth as believers: God’s Word instructs us to outdo one another in showing love and honour, rather than chase after all these worldly things. Love should be our highest goal.
Romans 12:10 ESV Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.
Falling for lies in our heads
Low self esteem can turn the inner anxieties that we don’t place under the Lordship of the Holy Spirit into a debilitating whispering monster. This will not only affect the way we see ourselves but also how we see God.
- “I am not good enough for God. I need to “fix” myself before I ask God for anything (even though I have no real ability to change myself. It is only when I give myself fully to God, that I can be transformed. My regeneration and renewing comes from the Holy Spirit).” (Titus 3:3-7)
- “Why did God make me this way? Why was I born? (I don’t see I can ask God to turn all that is broken in my life into something very good for His glory.)” (Genesis 50:20)
- “I am a hopeless Christian because I am sure to sin again. He will condemn me (even though God’s Word says that He does not condemn me, He wants to help and save me).” (John 3:17)
- “I am not worth God’s or anyone’s time or attention (even though God promises to never forsake me, The Holy Spirit is always with me, watching over me and ready to help me when I call out to Him.) (John 14:16-17)
Titus 3:3-7 NKJV For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another. But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
We fall for such lies and are unable to see God’s love for us when we do not turn to the Holy Spirit to speak the truth into our hearts. As a result, we will gradually lean on our own fleshly instincts to cope.
For example, we become hyper-vigilant and defensive about any (real or perceived) sign of inadequacy or social rejection. Comments are perceived as critical when they are not. Failures are magnified when they are just part of life. Simple gestures can be taken as personal rebuffs. Our minds are preoccupied with our shortcomings and failures. We rarely feel truly comforted no matter how many reassurances we receive. There seems to be a critical inner voice that drowns out all other voices, including the Holy Spirit’s voice.
One of the biggest errors we can then make is to “try harder” to fulfil other people’s expectations or even our own expectations of ourselves – because this is based on our flesh. Our low self esteem means that we can never be confident if we have “made it” or not. It can create an endless loop of anxiety. There is no rest for our souls. It is only when we lay down all these burdens before the Lord and pick up His truth that we can slowly heal from low self esteem.
Galatians 5:17 NKJV For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.
Matthew 11:29-30 NKJV Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
Healing from low self esteem comes with humility
It is when we are able to humbly accept our shortcomings and praise God for all that we are that we are able to come to a place of peace. (This may also mean that we need to forgive ourselves for our past shortfalls or other people for enforcing their own anxieties on us, as the testimony below demonstrates.)
1 Peter 5:6-7 NKJV Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.
The reality is that we need to take the focus off ourselves and place our hopes and peace in Jesus. This requires us to renew our minds.
Romans 12:2 NKJV And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
For instance,
- Low self esteem will say, “I’m not good enough.”
- Humility says, “I accept that I am not good enough because no one is truly good, only God is good.”
Mark 10:18 NKJV So Jesus said to him, “Why do you call Me good? No one is good but One, that is, God.
- Low self esteem will say, “I feel so condemned and useless.”
- Humility says, “I accept my shortcomings and mistakes. I will not condemn myself because Jesus does not condemn me. I will ask my Lord to redeem my mistakes. I can change because I have Jesus in me, He is working all things for my good.”
John 3:17 NKJV For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.
Romans 8:28 NKJV And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
- Low self esteem will say, “I don’t have value.”
- Humility says, “I accept that I may not have value in people’s eyes but I know I have value because God gave me a life and a purpose.”
Ephesians 2:10 NKJV For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.
The Word of God says that we can become strong through Jesus when we recognise that we are weak. The apostle Paul said that he took pleasure in his weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles he faced, so that the power of Christ might rest upon him. This may sound like a very radical way of thinking about ourselves, but it is based on eternal biblical truth.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NKJV And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Some further clarifications about low self esteem
We live in a sinful world that mocks, belittles, condemns, and judges (tear down) more often than we appreciate, forgive, encourage, comfort, or apologise to one another (build up). We may have become so accustomed to the corrupted patterns of this world that we may think our low self esteem is “normal.” We can even confuse our condition with low self-confidence, humility, or high self-awareness. Here are some important clarifications.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 NKJV Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.
Low self esteem vs. low self-confidence
Confidence is having the assurance of what we can do (skill) while esteem is the assurance of who we are (worth). It is possible to have strong confidence because we are very competent in something, and yet struggle with low self esteem because we think we aren’t worthy of love and acceptance. Relying too much on our self-confidence can be a dangerous thing as it blinds us to God’s providence and enabling. We can end up using our abilities to build up our self-worth to compensate for our low self esteem, rather than trust in the Lord.
Low self esteem vs. high self esteem
The opposite of low self esteem is not healthy either. High self esteem or egotism tends to make us think too highly of ourselves and also blinds us to God’s providence. Its symptoms are arrogance, narcissism, self-absorption, and self-entitlement. Ironically, high self esteem can be an over-compensation for low self esteem as well. It is often the root for spiritual pride and religiosity.
Romans 12:3 NKJV For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.
Low self esteem vs. humility
While low self esteem is about thinking that we are never good enough, humility is about not thinking about ourselves first. Humility puts our own feelings, views, or desires aside to consider other people as more significant. False humility will pretend to consider others as more significant when in reality, we are more concerned about our own feelings than others’. Low self esteem prevents us from being truly humble because our views tend to revolve around how we feel. Some symptoms of false humility include selfish ambition and vain conceit.
Philippians 2:3 NKJV Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
Low self esteem vs. high self-awareness
Low self esteem can sometimes be mistaken for having high self-awareness but there is a crucial difference. It is true that those who suffer from low self esteem have high self-awareness but they tend to use this knowledge to beat themselves up, instead of going to God for His redemption and guidance. It leads to dependence on our flesh for “self-improvement” based on a fear of other people’s opinions, rather than dependence on the Holy Spirit based on His love, power, and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind
Testimony: Renouncing low self esteem by forgiving a mean teacher
“I was telling a friend that I have never felt good enough to do anything significant for God. When she heard this, she encouraged me to ask the Holy Spirit why I felt this way. A school memory came back at that moment. I went to an elite school where everyone was very competitive. My chemistry classmates and my teacher despised me because I struggled with my chemistry grades and brought down the class average score. In a fit of rage one day, my teacher threw my chemistry workbook into the rubbish bin in front of all the students. I felt so crushed and rejected.
The Holy Spirit showed me that I began to believe that I was not good enough from that day onwards. On hearing this, my friend asked me, “Does God need you to be good in chemistry in order to be a good architect?” (I am an architect.) Something clicked inside me. I realised they had judged me on something that was not part of my calling. I had excelled in art and physics in school. I forgave that teacher and thanked God for His revelation. Since then, I have regained my confidence to focus on what God has planned for me, and not what other people say I don’t have.”
May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love the Lord with all your heart and build your identity in Christ alone.