Responding to interpersonal conflict between believers

The Holy Spirit gives birth to His good and perfect fruit in our lives, such as patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no better opportunity to exercise and grow in such fruit than handling challenging situations and challenging people. Interpersonal conflict is inevitable. No two people will have perfectly aligned perspectives, priorities, and choices. After all, God has made each one of us for different purposes in His Kingdom. Disagreements are, in fact, opportunities to practise loving one another. We are called to resolve our disputes with “all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Most importantly, we must not give Satan any opportunity to use our differences to sow division and disharmony, and to smear God’s holy name.

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 应对信徒之间的人际冲突 | 繁體中文 > 應對信徒之間的人際衝突)

 

Galatians 5:22-23 ESV But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Ephesians 4:1-3 ESV  … walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 

Ephesians 4:25-27 ESV  … let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, And give no opportunity to the devil.

Just as we don’t get to choose our biological family, we don’t get to choose our family in Christ either. We will undoubtedly encounter people from very different walks of life, upbringings, and temperaments. This can lead to misunderstandings and clashes.

The question is; how can we respond in a mature manner, worthy of Jesus Christ? Jesus calls all His disciples to have love for another, even for those who don’t love us back.

John 13:34-35 ESV  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” 

Luke 6:32-33 ESV  “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.

More importantly, there is a bigger issue at stake – whether we can be called legitimate children of God. God’s Word points out that anyone who “does not love other believers does not belong to God.” It is the peacemakers who are worthy to be called children of God.

1 John 3:10 NLT  So now we can tell who are children of God and who are children of the devil. Anyone who does not live righteously and does not love other believers does not belong to God.

Matthew 5:9 ESV  “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Satan is our true enemy, not fellow believers

Satan knows that any house that is divided will fall. Jesus has specifically said so.

Luke 11:17 NIV  Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them: “Any kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and a house divided against itself will fall.

Hence, the devil will try to divide and instigate believers to fight, rather than love, one another. Satan’s aim is to weaken us through our infighting and cripple our ability to unite to resist him together. Our enemy does this by:

• Keeping us focused on the conflict, rather than on obeying Jesus | 2 Corinthians 11:3 ESV But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ.
• Feeding us with many arguments on why we should not forgive or reconcile with fellow believers | 2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,
• Giving us a stream of accusations against our fellow believers | Revelation 12:9-10 ESV … the devil and Satan, the deceiver of the whole world—he was thrown down to the earth, and his angels were thrown down with him. … for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.
• Inciting us to judge and condemn fellow brothers and sisters-in-Christ | Luke 6:36-37 NIV Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful. “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
• Tempting us to use God’s Word as a self-righteous “sword” to attack others or defend ourselves, rather than to convict both parties to unite in love to fight against Satan | Hebrews 4:12 ESV For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

God tells us to bring our grievances directly to Him

God, on the other hand, calls us to pour out our anxieties, hurts, and disappointments to Him. He witnesses every one of our conflicts and disagreements in-Person and knows all our thoughts and feelings first-hand. Our Heavenly Father will bring His perfect assurance, guidance, and correction for God when we pour out our hearts to Him.

1 Peter 5:7 ESV  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. 

Psalm 46:1 ESV  God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Releasing our negative emotions and judgements to God also means that we give our hearts and minds a chance to become sober and capable of seeing our situations from a calmer, more objective perspective. It is usually when we continue to simmer in negative emotions that we become easy prey for Satan to attack and “devour”.

1 Peter 5:8 ESV  Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 

Also, see Judgment and the abuse of wisdom

Humbly addressing conflict is an act of love

We tend to set higher standards for fellow believers because we assume they “ought to know better.” Yet no Christian is perfect. Every one of us is on our own personal journey of learning how to obey God more and more each day.

As believers, we are called to sharpen one another. This can mean that we need to have tough conversations with one another to address conflict, sin, and misbehaviour, lovingly counseling and encouraging one another to pursue godliness.

Proverbs 27:17 NLT  As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.

1 Timothy 6:11-12 ESV  But as for you, O man of God, flee these things. Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

Yet most of us shy away from dealing with conflict because it requires us to step out of our comfort zones. When we turn a blind eye and allow conflicts to fester, we dishonour God’s children, particularly if there is sinful behaviour involved that could lead either of us to being assigned to “the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” Would we not want someone to also lovingly warn us if we were in mortal danger?

Revelation 21:7-8 ESV  The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.”

Conflicts are opportunities to test our friendships and build stronger bonds because we care enough for one another to speak the truth, even if it is at our personal expense. This is the essence of loving one another, to consider others before ourselves, just as Jesus did for us.

1 John 3:14-16 ESV  We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brothers. Whoever does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

Godly ways to deal with conflict

Here is some biblical guidance on dealing with conflict between believers.

1. What sort of conflict is it?

There are usually three types of conflicts we may face within a church setting.

The first is non-malicious conflict. We are called to overlook unintentional offences, particularly by less mature believers who may not be aware that their behaviour is offensive. We all need the grace to make mistakes sometimes.

Proverbs 19:11 NIV  A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

Moreover, God’s Word calls us to bear with another’s quirks and shortcomings.  In such situations, we are called to pray for our fellow believers; that they will persevere in their faith and be transformed by the power of God’s Word and the Holy Spirit’s work over time.

Colossians 3:12-15 ESV  Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,  bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

1 John 5:16-19 NLT  If you see a fellow believer sinning in a way that does not lead to death, you should pray, and God will give that person life. But there is a sin that leads to death, and I am not saying you should pray for those who commit it. All wrongdoing is sin, but there is sin that does not lead to death. We know that God’s children do not make a practice of sinning, for God’s Son holds them securely, and the evil one cannot touch them. We know that we are children of God and that the world around us is under the control of the evil one.

The second is deliberate sin against individuals. If a fellow believer has knowingly sinned against us – some examples include fraud, slander, sexually inappropriate conduct or language, and lying – then we are called to address this personally with them, one-on-one, so that they are made aware of the hurt they have caused us and their need to change.

Matthew 18:15-17 ESV  “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church… 

Friendships that pass such honest conversations often deepen as mutual respect, trust and connections are forged. The Bible reminds us that we may be saving someone from death and that the “wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” And no matter what the outcome may be, we are called to forgive the offender because this pleases our Heavenly Father.  Also, see Learning to speak the truth in love and How we are to use our words, according to the Bible

James 5:19-20 ESV  My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.

Proverbs 27:5-6 NLT  Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

On the other hand, if the other party will not welcome gentle and loving correction, we may need to consider escalating it (see Matthew 18:15-17) particularly if it will impact the health of the church body.

The third type of conflict arises from malicious sin within the body of believers. There are certain offensive behaviours that must never be overlooked. These are “wicked” acts that will “pollute” the body of believers. People who practice such wickedness show that they do not fear God and perhaps are not even true believers.

Proverbs 25:26 ESV  Like a muddied spring or a polluted fountain is a righteous man who gives way before the wicked.

It is our responsibility to protect God’s people from:

• Heretical and false teachers | 2 John 1:9-10 ESV Everyone who goes on ahead and does not abide in the teaching of Christ, does not have God. Whoever abides in the teaching has both the Father and the Son. If anyone comes to you and does not bring this teaching, do not receive him into your house or give him any greeting,
• Divisive persons | Titus 3:10 NIV  Warn a divisive person once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them.
• Those who refuse to repent even after church discipline | Matthew 18:15-17 ESV “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
• Those who continue in shameless sexual perversion | 1 Corinthians 5:1-2 NLT I can hardly believe the report about the sexual immorality going on among you—something that even pagans don’t do. I am told that a man in your church is living in sin with his stepmother. You are so proud of yourselves, but you should be mourning in sorrow and shame. And you should remove this man from your fellowship.
• Those who only want to freeload off believers and abuse their kindness | 2 Thessalonians 3:6 ESV Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us.

After formal corporate discipline, they ought to be expelled if they still refuse to repent and submit to church authority.

We cannot condone such people within the body of believers by remaining silent. It only produces rot from the inside out. But despite how challenging such conflicts may be, we are told that we should never take a fellow believer to court.

1 Corinthians 6:1-8 NLT  When one of you has a dispute with another believer, how dare you file a lawsuit and ask a secular court to decide the matter instead of taking it to other believers! Don’t you realize that someday we believers will judge the world? And since you are going to judge the world, can’t you decide even these little things among yourselves? Don’t you realize that we will judge angels? So you should surely be able to resolve ordinary disputes in this life. If you have legal disputes about such matters, why go to outside judges who are not respected by the church? I am saying this to shame you. Isn’t there anyone in all the church who is wise enough to decide these issues? But instead, one believer sues another—right in front of unbelievers! Even to have such lawsuits with one another is a defeat for you. Why not just accept the injustice and leave it at that? Why not let yourselves be cheated? Instead, you yourselves are the ones who do wrong and cheat even your fellow believers.

2. Have we truly listened and showed compassion?

Setting malicious behaviour aside, everyday interpersonal conflicts tend to arise because we do not fully understand one another person’s views, sensitivities, and longings.

This is why God’s Word tells us to be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” rather than jump to conclusions about another person’s motives and character.

James 1:19-22 NIV  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

When we take the time to really listen and consider what someone else has to say, we often find that we all desire the same things, albeit through different means. We all want to be heard, understood, accepted and appreciated. There are also probably a few things we can learn about ourselves, if we are willing to be contrite enough to listen.

Listening well requires humility, compassion, and patience – and the wisdom to ask the right questions to draw out the root issue and identify common ground. Arguments about words and legalistic terms seldom bring unity, they only stir up competition and division. Listening to someone else’s heart brings connection.

Titus 3:9 ESV  But avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless.

2 Timothy 2:14,16-17 NLT  Remind everyone about these things, and command them in God’s presence to stop fighting over words. Such arguments are useless, and they can ruin those who hear them. Avoid worthless, foolish talk that only leads to more godless behavior. This kind of talk spreads like cancer…

When we ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom, He will teach us what to say and give us “wisdom from above” that is:

• Pure-hearted
• Peace loving
• Gentle
• Open to reason
• Full of mercy
• Impartial
• Sincere

James 1:5 ESV  If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

Luke 12:12 ESV  for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”

James 3:17 ESV  But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. 

Also, see Questions that guide a mentee’s self-discovery

3. Self-idolatry: Does our conflict expose our own self-centredness?

Conflicts are always good opportunities to recognise the idols in our lives. If we stubbornly defend anything that is outside our faith and obeying our Heavenly Father, then God could be using our conflict to show us what our idols are.

1 Samuel 15:23 NLT  … stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the LORD, he has rejected you…”

For instance, we may feel that our reputation is at stake, our position in the group is under threat, our opinions must come first, or the way things are run is not up to our personal standards. Such examples point to self-idolatry, where we place ourselves above other people. This is contrary to what God’s Word calls us to do. It is something we need to repent of because self-idolatry keeps us separated from God.

Philippians 2:3-7 ESV  Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.

4. Blind spots: Do we have a log in our own eye?

We are all prone to be quick at spotting and judging someone else’s faults purely because we actually practise the same things too. We may have a log in our own eye, except that we don’t call it a log.

Matthew 7:1-5 ESV  “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

For example, we may be upset with someone that we believe has been gossiping about us. But when it comes to ourselves, we simply re-label our gossip as “sharing,” “venting,” or “informing”. Anything that is shared without someone’s permission is gossip, no matter how we package it. As fallen human beings, however, we often exercise double standards when it comes to judging others vs. ourselves.

Before we accuse anyone of any sin, we need to ask God to search our own hearts for similar issues. We cannot legitimately confront someone about any grievance when we are guilty of it ourselves.

Psalm 139:23-24 ESV  Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!

5. Unforgiveness: Do we have emotional triggers due to past hurts?

Sometimes, we become upset simply because something has set off our emotional triggers. Fear, anger, and various disproportionately emotional reactions are typical signs of unhealed wounds.

Let’s illustrate this with an example. Having experienced bullying or rejection in school, we have become sensitive to signs of being excluded from any group. Back then, we probably also made a few inner vows such as, “I will show them I am better than them” and “I will never let anyone hurt me again.” If we have never forgiven our bullies and renounced our inner vows, we will subconsciously live by these self-made “rules”. This is what we can call a stronghold, a fortress we build around our hearts that are based on a child’s limited (and often faulty) understanding. Such “personal commandments” from childhood now prevent us from seeing things maturely and objectively and obeying God’s commandment to love one another.

Hence, we are quick to jump to conclusions about fellow believers who unintentionally leave us out of a group message or activity, and condemn them because we prefer to assume the worst. We rather live in the “safety” of our presumptions than risk being hurt (again) by being honest and real about how we feel. Along the way, our bitterness spills over and we start to slander our offenders, bringing division rather than peace and grieving the Holy Spirit.

Ephesians 4:30-31 ESV  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

When we have not yet forgiven those who have hurt us in the past and healed from our previous wounds, we will invariably invite new conflicts and misunderstandings, which are based more on these past unresolved wounds, rather than on our current reality.

This can be a fairly common issue that church leaders face because they do not have the ability to care for every single person with the personal attention that a hurting person needs. In particular, those who have been disappointed or abused by their parents, teachers and guardians when little may carry inner vows such as, “I cannot trust or listen to authority figures” and therefore be more prone to be cynical, critical, and unforgiving of our leaders. We will find it hard to submit to our church leaders simply because they are authority figures. We read verses such as Hebrews 13:17 and reject them. Without genuine forgiveness towards those who have hurt us when we were little, we will find it hard to be gracious to anyone when we are adults.

Hebrews 13:17 ESV  Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.

Also, see:

Parent wounds need to be healed
Inner vows must be revoked
Recognising and resolving our bitterness
Rejection can lead us to form idols out of pain
Retraining our anger triggers

6. Will our chosen response glorify God?

As illustrated by the various examples given, interpersonal conflict between believers is often stirred up by deeper subconscious issues that we may not be aware of. This happens when there are parts of our hearts that have yet to be submitted to God for renewal through confession and repentance.

Acts 3:19-20 ESV Repent therefore, and turn back, that your sins may be blotted out, 20 that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord…

It is within these subconscious flaws that Satan works most actively – when we are not alert – so as to bring division and acrimony within the church. In order not to be outwitted by Satan, we must learn to be quick to forgive and not allow conflict to split God’s people apart.

2 Corinthians 2:10-11 NIV  …I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.

We all need to remember to honour God’s commandments first. It is His glory at stake when we go against one another. God will not take lightly anyone who takes His name in vain by calling ourselves Christians but behaving just like disgracefully: proud, ungrateful, unforgiving, slanderous, lacking self-control, betraying one another – and most of all, acting “religious” but refusing the power of dispensing love that covers a multitude of sins.

Deuteronomy 5:11 NIV  “You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 ESV  But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. 

1 Corinthians 13:2 NLT  If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing.

1 Peter 4:8 NIV  Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

No one really wins when believers fight and oppose one another. We only give Christians and God a bad name. Instead, we ought to be lovingly addressing sin and misunderstandings so that we grow stronger together as a corporate body. Conflicts are powerful opportunities for believers to demonstrate how to handle disputes differently from the world – with love, forgiveness and godly wisdom.

Testimony: Recognising the need for inner healing

“One thing that motivated me to go for inner healing and deliverance was that I had learned and copied some of the toxic ways of relating and communicating with others from my dysfunctional upbringing.

Most of my childhood memories about my family revolve around the unending yelling, screaming, and hateful words toward each other. It was a vicious environment filled with verbal and emotional cruelty. Because of this, I desperately wanted to run away. I became very rebellious. I hated my family and vowed to never be like my mother and to never choose a man like my father.

Because of this, a rebellious spirit really got hold of me. I refused to submit under any authority, and always challenged people in positions of authority. As a result, I got into so much trouble. The hurt and pain from a dysfunctional home left me with a bitter heart and an unforgiving spirit.

As a consequence, I did not have a lot of meaningful relationships. I applied the same toxic ways that my parents dealt with conflict to handle my own relationships – by blaming others, belittling others, and cutting people off whenever I faced conflict. I felt convicted to received healing and forgiveness from the Lord for my bitter ways!”

May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and handle interpersonal conflict between believers in a way that honours God first.