Giving our best to our children
God the Father is the ultimate Parent and Source of all love, comfort, wisdom, peace and joy. The best instruction we can ever give to our children is to love God and follow Him. Jesus has told us not to hinder our children from going to Him, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to them. That is quite a statement. One of the most challenging callings from God is to raise His little ones to love and revere Him and to encourage them to follow Him for the rest of their lives. No one is sinless and no parent is perfect. Admittedly, we can unintentionally create hindrances for our own children to know God in His fullness. What does experience teach us? What mistakes can we avoid?
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 给我们子女最好的 | 繁體中文 > 給我們子女最好的)
Matthew 19:14 ESV But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”
Ephesians 2:10 ESV For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Ecclesiastes 7:20 NLT Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins.
Matthew 19:14 ESV But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”
Here, we share some important insights that the Holy Spirit has led numerous adults to acknowledge about their parents’ shortcomings – whether intentional or otherwise – and the forgiveness and grace they need to show their elders.
It is sobering to recognise that the simplest actions of a parent can have a lasting impact on a child’s spirit.
Only one perfect Parent
Despite our best intentions, we all tend to follow the broken patterns of this world. We unwittingly pass the sins of our own parents to the next generation, especially when we have not dealt with our own sins or received loving counsel. No parent is perfect.
Luke 23:34 ESV And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” …
Exodus 34:6-7 NLT The LORD passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The LORD! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin. But I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren; the entire family is affected— even children in the third and fourth generations.”
Thankfully, God proclaimed that our children will be blessed when we obey Him fully. Like a loving Father, He will teach us how to raise the children He has given us. After, our children belong to God, not to us.
Deuteronomy 28:2,4 NLT You will experience all these blessings if you obey the Lord your God: Your children … will be blessed. The offspring of your herds and flocks will be blessed.
1 John 3:1 ESV See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are…
The Bible is the best Source of parenting advice as it shows us how to be right with God first. A godly parent who reveres and loves God will provide the best source of wisdom, love, and security that a child needs. Parenting is less about how well we love our children and more about how well we love our Heavenly Father first.
Matthew 22:37-38 ESV And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment.
God is also the One we revere and listen to first, not our children, no matter how much they may demand us to bend to their childlike desires. We are not to fear our children. We are to “fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” The fear of God brings wisdom, knowledge and instruction for parenting. Our children do not have the ability to determine how best to parent them, and neither do we.
Ecclesiastes 12:13 ESV The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.
Proverbs 1:7 ESV The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction.
The unspoken desires of children
Everything we say holds weight for our children.
The Bible reminds us that our words can build up or harm our children. Many parents place burdens, sow fear, tear down, and bring confusion to their children without even knowing it. Our children pick up on our emotions and can carry them as their own.
Ephesians 4:29 ESV Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Out of respect or fear, children may not voice out how they truly feel or what they truly want. Some suppress their desires and emotions for decades before finally being set free and healed through the power of the Holy Spirit.
We can avoid causing unnecessary grief and sorrow for our children if we can keep some important points in mind.
What children need to hear
Here, we share some personal words from adults about their parents and childhood during renewal prayers. There is much we can learn from them.
1. “I wish my mother or father was the parent I needed.”
We can all repeat the patterns we learnt from our parents, some positive and some negative. This can lead to parenting errors for a number of reasons.
Firstly, God is to be our central focus in parenting. Choosing to repeat or reject our parents’ parenting styles turns our focus on people instead. It makes our parents our idols (or counter-idols). Also, see 4 ways we unknowingly idolise our parents
Exodus 20:4 NLT “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.
Secondly, every child is an unique workmanship of God. God lovingly crafted every individual with their own spirit, personality, gifts, and path in life. Therefore, the best way to help our children prosper in this life is to help them walk according to God’s design for them, rather than how we were raised. Because God is the One who created our children, the Holy Spirit will guide us on how to nurture and raise them.
Ephesians 2:10 ESV For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.
Proverb 22: 6 ESV Train up a child in the way he should go;even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Thirdly, some of us still harbour bitterness towards our own parents and judge them. We may have vowed to “never be like my own parent/s,” and “I will be the better parent,” Our children will instinctively pick up on our attitudes. It subconsciously teaches them that there is no need to forgive us in future either; because of how we have modelled this type of behaviour for them throughout their lives. We will ultimately reap what we sow.
Galatians 6:7-8 NLT Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit.
Even more detrimentally, it also makes it more difficult for them to go to God with their needs and their confessions because they also learn to hold grudges against God.
What our children need to hear us say:
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2. “I wish my parent wasn’t always so anxious.”
It can sometimes be confusing for us, even as adults, to differentiate between our feelings of anxiety and love. We can do many things in the name of “love” when in reality, we are being driven by fear.
1 John 4:18 ESV There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
Jeremiah 17:9 ESV The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Are we afraid our children will fall behind? Worried that they will not be healthy? Afraid that they will be bullied or taken advantage of? Worried that they won’t be financially secure in the future? Afraid that they will abandon us one day? Worried that they will bring shame to the family? Afraid that we will be accused of poor parenting standards?
A child’s spirit will always instinctively know if their parents’ actions are driven by a desire to mitigate their own fears, as compared to love them simply for who they are. Anything that is driven by fear does not feel loving.
Let us, therefore, invite God to test our hearts for any anxiety and fear, and leave them at the feet of Jesus, asking Him to lead us as we love and lead our children well. That is when His love will be brought to full expression through us.
Psalm 139:23-24 NLT Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
1 John 4:12 NLT No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.
After all, God’s Word soberly reminds us that we can make the greatest sacrifices for our children but achieve nothing of eternal significance if we do all of it without love.
1 Corinthians 13:3 ESV If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
What our children need to hear us say:
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3. “I wish my parent didn’t keep comparing me with others.”
Satan does not just tempt us to do evil things, he also tempts us to do things that look good to us but that are outside God’s will for our children.
Satan is called the god of this world because he has wrested control from mankind to rule over the systems of this world. There is nothing in this world that has not been corrupted by the devil’s influence; from entertainment and academic systems to the way we think. We are constantly nudged to chase after the things of this world, rather than the things of God. The things of the world include good grades, good health, good reputation, good financial standing and good looks. We convince ourselves that all these must also be good for our children and enlist them into the world’s rat race from young, without first asking God what is His will for our children.
2 Corinthians 4:4 ESV In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.
Matthew 16:23 ESV But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”
While there is nothing inherently wrong in receiving such things as a blessing from God, it is in pursuing them that our family’s relationship with God will be corrupted. Many adults have confessed to feeling as if they were their parents’ “trophies”, “projects”, or “greatest source of worry.” The weight of such guilt and anxiety is too heavy for any child to carry.
Matthew 23:4 ESV They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders…
When we set our minds on the things of man, we also don’t teach our children how to set their minds on the things of God. We “teach” them to hunger after the praises of other people, rather than God.
John 12:43 NLT For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.
God specifically handpicks the underdogs of this world so that people can recognise His glory through them. The reminders written by the apostle Paul in 1 Corinthians 1:26-30 can be particularly challenging for parents who want the best for their children in a worldly sense. We are reminded to be content if our children are not considered wise, powerful, or noble, but are seen as foolish, weak, lowly and despised. It is then that God’s glory can be magnified through them.
1 Corinthians 1:26-30 ESV For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”
When we provide a family environment that is joyful and thankful, even if our circumstances are considered lowly or despised, we build resilience, self-esteem, and faith in God in our children. Otherwise, there is the danger that our children feel unworthy of God and cannot truly accept His grace because they erroneously feel they are God’s “projects” who have to work for His love.
Ephesians 2:4-5 ESV But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—
What our children need to hear us say:
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4.“I wish my parent wasn’t so harsh in disciplining me.”
God disciplines those He loves. He knows what is most appropriate discipline for every individual. Human beings, on the other hand, can make mistakes in this respect.
Proverbs 3:11-12 ESV My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.
Every child is unique and receives discipline differently. It takes wisdom to ensure our children understand that they are being corrected because we want them to grow in righteousness before God. Sometimes, however, we can cause them to feel bad, condemned, and hopeless.
Hebrews 12:11 ESV For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Romans 8:1 ESV There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
Loving discipline always leads to good fruit. Unwarranted and misguided punishment leads to fear and spiritual death. Sadly, there are adults who have never fully recovered from their parents’ unjustified discipline. They continue to struggle with feeling as if they are not good enough. This leads them to also see God as a punishing Judge who has little love and care for them.
Proverbs 19:18 ESV Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.
Just as God shows us compassion, we are called to show compassion to our children.
Psalm 103:13 ESV As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
What our children need to hear us say:
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5.“I wish my parent made time for me.”
Depending on the life goals we have set our sights on, we can be stressed, distracted, unhappy, or overly busy preparing for our children’s futures. Under such circumstances, most of us would neglect to enjoy the “now” and be present for our children – not just physically, but more importantly, mentally and emotionally.
Children want to feel connected in meaningful and emotional ways to their parents. This helps them feel secure, valued, and loved.
Many adults confess that while their parents may have provided exceptionally well for them materially, they still felt “empty” and disconnected inside. They may never have been abandoned physically but they have grown up feeling abandoned emotionally. This also makes it hard for them to believe that God is for them and will not abandon or forget about them.
Psalm 36:7 ESV How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.
Isaiah 49:15-16 ESV “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.
What our children need to hear us say:
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6. “I wish my parents didn’t belittle how I felt.”
A child’s feelings can be more real to them than hard facts. For adults, it is often the other way around.
As adults, we can forget how it was like to be little and new to this world, where we experienced different feelings for the first time and how we had difficulty understanding and coping with them. We needed gentle counsel and reassurances, despite our many questions, unfounded fears, and tantrums.
An adult’s disconnection with a child’s heart can come across as impatience, intolerance, ridicule or outright rejection. This can lead a child to feel discouraged and even alarmed. They may even start to reject their own emotional instincts and believe that there is something wrong with them. Later in life, they will doubt the Holy Spirit’s voice because they have learnt to shut their hearts down and not listen to the voice in their hearts.
Colossians 3:21 ESV Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
What our children need to hear us say:
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7. “I wish I don’t feel guilty about my parents.”
We are our children’s unspoken heroes. Our children long to receive our affirmation, as this gives them a sense of value, significance, and belonging in this world.
There is also the danger that our children begin to idolise us and make us the reason why they choose to do the things they do so as to please us. Such a pattern can be ruinous, because it leaves our children in an endless cycle of emotional slavery.
There have been instances where adults feel indebted to always win their parents’ approval for important decisions, instead of being free to be the persons that God created them to be. They feel they have to keep working to please other people, rather than God.
Colossians 3:23 ESV Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,
It takes intentionality to regularly point our children back to God as their number one Source of love, security, comfort, and validation. We are called to train our children to seek God first. We can trust that He will guide them when we are not around, not available, not looking, not aware, and so on. God is everywhere all the time.
Proverbs 22:6 ESV Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Jeremiah 23:23-24 ESV “Am I a God at hand, declares the Lord, and not a God far away? Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him? declares the Lord. Do I not fill heaven and earth? declares the Lord.
When our children are taught by God Himself, they will experience great peace. Our children need God more than they need us. He will carry them through the rest of their lives on earth and into eternity.
Isaiah 54:13 ESV All your children shall be taught by the Lord, and great shall be the peace of your children.
What our children need to hear us say:
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Thank God that He is the perfect Teacher for every child and every parent. He will show us how to love one another well according to His will – if we are willing to listen. Ironically, He calls all of us, parents alike, to become like children again so that we follow the ways of our Heavenly Father. This takes humility. We don’t have all the answers for our children, but we can avoid many mistakes if we turn to God’s Word and His Holy Spirit to guide us.
Matthew 23:8 NLT “Don’t let anyone call you ‘Rabbi,’ for you have only one teacher, and all of you are equal as brothers and sisters.
Matthew 18:3 NLT Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven.
Testimony
“When I became a mother, I unconsciously started trying to manage (control) everything, from being militant about my children’s sleep schedule (physical control), to trying to ensure that they were well and happy all the time (emotional control).
I felt imprisoned at home because I couldn’t trust anyone else to ensure my children’s wellbeing. Whenever my children cried, I would feel a rope of condemnation tightening around my neck. I would tell myself that I was stupid for making this or that mistake, it felt like everything was my fault. I felt wrung up and twisted inside from it. This was most extreme with my first child, leading to a few panic attacks and at times, feeling detached from reality.
I was exhausted all the time from making sure I was constantly available to my children. I craved physical rest. Initially, I had accepted this as postpartum anxiety, but praise God, it became clear to me that in fact, this was spiritual warfare.
I knew that the torment I felt inside did not match up with the truth I knew in my mind, and that the way I felt was not right with God. I knew I needed prayer and shared this with my husband at home one evening. As I was about to get up to go to bed, I suddenly felt a bit foggy. I sat in silence with my head hung, it felt like my neck was heavy, and as if it required a lot of effort to speak. Praise God, He used my husband to intercede for me then and there. With my husband’s help, I renounced spirits of slumber, muteness, spiritual blindness, mind-binding, lies, deception and confusion.
The Holy Spirit revealed that the back of my neck was weighed down by the weight of my sin, and the generational sin of my ancestors.
I repented for trying to carry this when Jesus had already died on the cross for my sins. I declared that I died on the cross with Jesus and rose again with Him and am made new. I do not carry the weight of my sin or generational sin.
Then the Holy Spirit led me to renounce the fear of failure, performance, fear of man, and dominance. As we worshipped, I felt the Lord tell me that my home is “Holy Ground”. I was moved to tears and so relieved. All this time, I was treating my home like it was my domain to maintain control and peace and happiness over.
The Lord showed me that my home is Holy Ground and under God’s dominion.”
May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and turn your children’s hearts towards Him too.