Helping someone that’s trapped in an abusive relationship
Jesus is moved with compassion for those who are harassed and helpless. He loves every individual that He has created in His image and has never forgotten any one of us. He does not condone violence, lies and abuse. It can be disturbing to watch a relative or friend being manipulated and abused by their spouse or partner. Such relationships are usually much more complicated than what meets the eye. It is crucial, therefore, that we are not quick to judge or give our opinions. Poor counsel can sometimes be more destructive than no counsel at all. God is incredibly faithful, compassionate, and patient. These are the qualities that an abused person needs the most. Hence, let us pray for God’s Spirit to lead us in all our interactions.
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 帮助陷入虐待关系的人 | 繁體中文 > 幫助陷入虐待關係的人)
Matthew 9:36 ESV When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.
Genesis 1:27 ESV So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.
Proverbs 6:16-19 ESV There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.
Proverbs 18:24 NLT There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.
Understanding our role
As a start, it is important to note that victims of abusive relationships instinctively know what is the right thing to do. It is just that they don’t have the confidence or ability to follow through at the moment and need steadfast support and encouragement to reach there.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.
Not advice
Many simply do not believe they can truly break free from their abusers. Often, their spirits may have already been crushed from an early age from family abuse or neglect. Now, their abusive partners further tear down their victims’ identity, confidence, mental well-being, and self-worth and say things such as, “No one will ever love you,” thereby effectively crushing their spirits. They typically have some control over a victim’s finances, relationships, possessions, and access to the outside world.
Proverbs 18:14 ESV A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?
Any “advice” to break up, separate or divorce now, when they are not ready or strong enough to, may only reinforce a victim’s anxiety, self-doubt, and other negative self-beliefs, especially if they are ashamed of not meeting our expectations. It may even cause them to withdraw from us because they feel judged by others – when they are already constantly judging themselves on a daily basis.
Things are seldom as straightforward as they look on the outside and it takes time to understand a victim’s internal conflicts and practical limitations. It is much better to ask them what they want to do, rather than to tell them what we think they ought to do, and pray along with them to ask for God’s strength and guidance. Psalm 86 is a good place to start.
Psalm 86:6-7,11-13 NLT Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord; hear my urgent cry. I will call to you whenever I’m in trouble, and you will answer me. Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you. With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God. I will give glory to your name forever, for your love for me is very great. You have rescued me from the depths of death.
Not distrust
Unless we know that someone is an infamous liar who will seek our attention at any cost, we must give a victim of abuse the benefit of a listening ear and open heart. It takes a lot of courage for them to speak up because of the risks they face if their abuser suspects or finds out.
Our abused relative or friend may be breaking a strict code of absolute silence that has been enforced by their abuser. If they speak with us, they are already very desperate and we should not dishearten them by our disbelief or doubt.
1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
If we are worried that someone may be lying to us about their situation, on the other hand, we can trust that the Holy Spirit will point that out to us.
John 16:13 ESV When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth…
Not threats
It is painful and frustrating to watch a victim repeatedly return to an abuser after we have spent hours or even years counseling them. We must not give in to the temptation to give up on our relative or friend and say words such as, “I don’t believe in you anymore. You have come so far but you still go back to your abuser.” There are many reasons why someone can become hooked to an abusive relationship or keeps going back to an unsafe place, sometimes for reasons that are spiritually related.
We should never threaten to abandon anyone or stop seeing them if they don’t take our advice. This will only leave victims feeling more confused and anxious, vulnerable to sticking to their abusers even more because now they have nowhere else to turn.
God never forsakes people who genuinely cry out for help and neither should we.
Psalm 18:6 ESV In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.
Not empty talk
Abuse victims often stay in oppressive relationships because they do not believe they will ever receive or deserve genuine love. Perhaps they have been frequently rejected, ignored, bullied, or betrayed most of their lives, and developed a deep sense of abandonment or isolation.
We have a God-given opportunity to show them that God’s love is nothing like that, and that we value them as God values them. This means we ought to mean what we say, not make promises we can’t keep, and follow up on our words with real action. There may be times they will need a safe place to stay, someone to accompany them to the hospital or the police, witnesses to appear in court, or some financial assistance to start a new life.
True love involves some sacrifice, not just empty talk. It involves us to go above and beyond the ordinary for another person, just as Jesus did for us. The hardest people to love are usually the ones who need God’s love the most.
John 13:34-35 ESV A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
Not careless words
God will call us to account for every careless word we speak, whether in ignorance, haste, or frustration.
Matthew 12:36 ESV I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,
Here are some things we must never say:
- “Why is your love life so dramatic?”
- “Do you secretly enjoy being abused?
- “What do you see in this person? He/she is so nasty.”
- “You chose to allow him/her to abuse you, it is your fault that you are stuck in this relationship.”
- “Why don’t you just leave?”
- “It’s been months/years now. Why aren’t you out of the relationship yet?”
- “I can’t help you anymore because you keep crawling back to him/her. You don’t want help. You just want sympathy and attention.”
- “I can’t trust what you say anymore. You said you want to leave but you don’t.”
- “If you can’t let him go, why don’t you go back and try harder to make things work?”
- “I can’t help you if you’re not willing to help yourself.”
- “Just cut him/her off – you are not making rational sense.”
Such statements may seem very logical but are in fact, loaded with judgment and scorn.
Proverbs 3:33-34 ESV The Lord’s curse is on the house of the wicked, but he blesses the dwelling of the righteous. Toward the scorners he is scornful, but to the humble he gives favor.
Helping someone out of such a dark pit is not as simple as telling them to “get out.” We may need to walk together with them out of their darkness or keep holding a light up for them until they find their way out.
Victims need several pillars of love outside their relationship; people who will not reject or control them but will provide a “safe harbour” they can go to whenever they need the space to process things or regain their sense of self – without any judgment. Even a simple listening ear and warm hug will go a long way.
They need our love, patience, and compassion, not our demands, conditions, put-downs, or viewpoints. Such an attitude will simply be replicating their abuser’s behaviour! Rather, we need to display the grace of God’s love, which is unconditional and never-ending. We need to show them that we will cover their backs and that we are their allies.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
Understanding a victim’s circumstances
Victims of abusive relationships can be the most beautiful, talented, and intelligent people we know – except that they have fallen prey to master manipulators who know how to keep them in bondage.
How do they get trapped?
Abusers are shrewd manipulators who know what to do in order to win over a person’s trust. They first memorise their victims’ desires, then put their victims on a pedestal and “love-bomb” with false promises and hopes. The oppression only comes later when they already have a firm grip on their victims’ hearts and trust.
Then, abusers will stop at nothing to gain absolute control over their victims, using anything from flattery, lavish gifts, guilt-tripping, and more false promises to false accusations, belittling, threats, violence, and blackmail (emotional or financial). They will betray their victims behind their backs and then accuse them of the very things they brazenly do themselves. Matthew 15:19 describes a typical abuser’s mindset well; evil thoughts, murder and theft (of a person’s identity and resources), adultery, sexual immorality, lies, and slander.
Matthew 15:19 ESV For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.
Their goal is to break down a person’s self-defence so that they find it hard to stand up for themselves. They will strip away a person’s support, identity, and self-worth as much as they can, so as to isolate their victims and make them solely tied to them. In other words, absolute slavery.
If they can, they will also manipulate a victim’s friends. Some will go as far as manipulating a victim’s family and friends into believing that she/he is simply over-dramatising things, mentally disturbed, lying, or the real oppressor instead.
When the victim decides to leave, they will stage their (false) apologies, lie that they have learnt their lesson, and give (false) promises to change. When the victim gives in, the abuse will repeat once again as the abuser regains control.
This level of abuse and control isn’t obvious to anyone at the beginning until it is too late. By that time, our relative’s or friend’s self-image and spirit may have been so severely crushed that they believe they have no right or strength left to stand up for themselves and keep betraying their own instincts and core values. If there are children involved, they will also suffer similarly.
Abusers will also mock God. There can be no other god to be worshipped except themselves.
Psalm 14:1 ESV …The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds, there is none who does good.
Victims fall into abusive relationships for many reasons. They may have started with some deep and legitimate desires, innocent naivety, low self-esteem, family pressures, etc. Plus, we must not discount the fact that victims may be suffering from generational curses or witchcraft hexes, which have blinded their minds so they cannot think clearly or see God’s intended salvation for them.
2 Corinthians 4:4 NLT Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.
To understand an abuse victim’s circumstances more, please refer to Wisdom in handling abusive relationships.
Also, see
Breaking generational curses
Breaking free from witchcraft curses
Breaking the curse of low self-esteem
Exercising wisdom
Walking with someone in distress is a test of how we walk out our faith. We live in a world that often leaves little time for people, but this is not God’s way. Jesus went out of His way to minister to specific individuals.
Here are some suggestions on honouring our relative or friend in a way that is biblical and leads to salvation. The core issues in an abusive relationship tend to be similar but they don’t always play out in the same way. Therefore, we ought to seek God’s lead on helping a victim and not be restricted to the following suggestions.
1 John 3:17-18 ESV But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.
Proverbs 18:21 ESV Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
1. Recognise the symptoms
Victims of abuse will seldom readily confess to their private sufferings, even if they have visible bruises on their body. They may be too afraid of punishment from their abusers, too ashamed or embarrassed of their situation, too anxious about our reaction if we found out the truth, and so forth. Abuse victims have been conditioned to live with a lot of self-blame and guilt.
Victims are usually withdrawn, sad, and anxious and:
- Fearful about telling us anything about their relationship, almost paranoid
- Unsure, lacking self-confidence, and disoriented
- Tired all the time, due to the emotional strain of “walking on eggshells” every day
- Unstable in their moods, it all depends on how their abuse “rewards” or “punishes” them
- Increasingly bitter, cynical, and resentful
- Increasingly whining and needing more attention, desperate
We may even find that they also become more aggressive, suspicious, or manipulative towards us. Over time, they have slowly picked up the toxic thoughts and behaviour of their abusers.
Proverbs 22:24-25 ESV Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.
Despite complaining and venting about their relationship, they don’t seem to be able to leave for some reasons that are not clear to us. One thing that certainly increases is lying. They need to lie to cover up their situation.
Instead of deserting them in their time of darkness, we ought to gently point them back to the light. We can remind them who God made them to be, “This is not like the person I used to know who is (list of positive qualities), what has changed? I really miss the old you.”
John 8:12 ESV Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”
We need to be aware that there is a spiritual battle for a victim’s soul and the battle is not merely against their abusers but against Satan’s influence. Satan is behind all lying, evil deeds, and spiritual bondage, and we need to help to see who it is that they are really being oppressed by. Abusers are people who have been captured by the devil to do his will.
Ephesians 6:11-12 ESV Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.
2 Timothy 2:24-26 ESV And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
2. Don’t dismiss their fears
Fear, whether real or perceived, can be debilitating. We must not dismiss an abuse victim’s fears, no matter how irrational they may sound to us. Their abusers are master manipulators who will use all sorts of threats, decoys, and deceptions to get their way. This will make anyone paranoid to some degree. Victims may believe they are being watched, their children may be kidnapped, their lives are in danger, other people are constantly talking about them, and the list goes on.
This is a time to show compassion, not ridicule or doubt.
Colossians 4:6 ESV Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
We need to show that we value them and take them seriously so that when we do give them any godly counsel, they will know that it is we are on their side and want the best for them, rather than dismissive, uncaring, and unsympathetic like their abusers.
3. Listen well and speak less
Abusive relationships are complex and messy and we may never get the full inside story. Our abused relative or friend is likely to unintentionally leave out or intentionally censor some details out of fear or shame. Therefore, it is crucial that we listen much more than we speak and keep all uninvited comments, opinions, and advice to ourselves. It is important to not jump to conclusions or be critical of either party.
James 1:19-20 ESV Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
Proverbs 21:23 ESV Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble.
In some situations, it could actually be the victim’s behaviour that unintentionally sets off violent triggers in the abuse. Our relative or friend may also feel sympathetic towards her/his abuser because their oppressor has also been abused in the past. Hearing us criticise their abuser leaves them feel more conflicted. If they are married to the abuser, any criticism makes our relative or friend feel even worse because they may feel stupid and regret getting married.
Sometimes, all someone needs is a listening ear to feel valued and cared for. It allows them the space to process what is going on in their lives and to hear their own voice – things they aren’t allowed to do when they are with their abusers.
Also, we ought to keep in mind that our relative or friend may be coerced into reporting everything we say back to their abuser. We should not say anything behind someone’s back that we would not say to their face.
4. Lovingly guide, not tell
Most victims slowly “die” inside and suffer from a numbed conscience, anxiety about making the wrong moves, and a sense of hopelessness. Simply telling them what to believe or think does not help them recover from this mindset. Loving them exceptionally well will give them the confidence to.
It is much more useful to help victims to see the truth for themselves by asking questions and reminding them of the times they have repeatedly suffered abuse, manipulation, and lies. It is crucial to help a victim understand how extreme their relationship is and that this is not normal. Whenever we are unsure what is best to say, we simply need to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to give us wisdom and to work through us.
John 16:13 ESV When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.
Luke 12:12 ESV for the Holy Spirit will teach you in that very hour what you ought to say.”
This is especially true for anyone who is in denial about their abuser’s intentions, lies, adultery, and so forth, because they feel they have no one else to hold on to. We need to be gentle, loving, and assuring that they do not deserve such treatment and remind them how much God loves them and how much we love them too.
1 John 4:19 ESV We love because he first loved us.
1 Peter 4:8 NIV Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
5. Seek God together – prayer is the most powerful way to help
Abuse victims live in a world that is very different from ours, it is one where fear dominates, truths are distorted, and lies have become reality.
Isaiah 5:20 ESV Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!
An abuse victim’s needs may be more than what we can understand and bear, and we do not have to feel like we need to have all the answers. We can even tell our relative or friend so, and encourage them to grieve to and seek God for salvation, both for themselves and possibly, also for the abuser. We can testify to how God has helped us in our own lives on different issues, to encourage them to also go to their personal Saviour. Jesus understands their pain and suffering, and He will help them if they seek Him with all their heart. This is a time to draw closer to God.
Hebrews 4:15-16,5:7 ESV For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence.
It is also in the victim’s best interest to learn to seek God – unless there is a threat to someone’s life or adultery. (In the case of the latter, there is reason to step away without delay.) We will not know God’s will for someone. Perhaps His help is coming just around the corner or perhaps He is first leading the abused person to repent of her/his involvement in the occult in order to be truly free from Satan’s grip, for example. Only God can guide them to safety in the best way.
Isaiah 9:6 ESV For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
John 14:27 ESV Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
6. Be gentle and compassionate, but don’t get sucked in emotionally
An abuse victim will be burdened with fear, shame, confusion, self-rejection, and so forth. Whilst we are called to show empathy and weep with those who weep, it is also helpful to remember that we ought not to carry someone else’s “emotional baggage” with us. Jesus is the One who takes all our burdens, and we need to entrust our relative or friend to God, praying and fasting on their behalf.
Romans 12:15-19 ESV Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Matthew 11:28-30 ESV Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
7. Identify the lies that keep a victim in bondage
People who submit to abusers usually believe in some lies.
Perhaps they grew up listening to adults who told them they were not intelligent, good looking, or rich enough for anyone to love them. Now that they are in a relationship, they do not dare to risk losing their relationship because they are afraid that no one else will want them. Perhaps they grew up in households where they were severely punished out of “love“. Now, they may accept abuse as a normal part of relationships.
1 John 4:18 NIV There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
Alternatively, it could be their family that tells them to stay in the relationship because their partner is famous, rich, or powerful. At the root of these three examples is the lie that they are incomplete in some way.
There may also be relationships where abusive men misquote Ephesians 5:22 from the Bible and demand that all women obey them, even above God, and ignore the command to love their wives as Jesus loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Manipulative partners may even claim that they control their victims out of love and for their own “good”.
Ephesians 5:21-22,25 NLT submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her
Most devastatingly, a victim may believe that God does not care about them, has forsaken them, or is angry with them.
In all these circumstances, a victim needs to be taught God’s Word so they can recognise the lies that keep them in bondage, renew their minds and be set free spiritually from the lies that keep them blinded.
The following posts may be helpful:
Embracing our identity as Christ-followers
Our broken images of God
Understanding what love is and what it isn’t
John 8:32 ESV And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
8. Offer practical help
Our relative or friend will also need some practical assistance.
For example, we can help:
- Rally some of a victim’s friends and family to support her/him in different ways.
- Look for and accompany them to consult a God-fearing biblical counsellor.
- Record the dates, times, places, and nature of the abuse that the victim reports, especially life threats. All this may come in handy for future counseling sessions, police reports, or even court cases, as well as in showing the victim herself/himself how frequent and unnecessary the abuse is.
- Reassure victims that they can call you anytime (including late at night) if they feel they are in danger. Agree on a secret mode of communication for emergencies, where the victim can reach out to us without their abuser hearing them or finding out.
- Keep a record and evidence of the abuser’s lies and cheating. Abusers can be so charming and manipulative that everyone has been deceived and it is hard to figure out what is real and what is false. Having something concrete to compare and test their words and actions will be useful.
- Seek legal advice where helpful.
- Plan for the consequences of potential escalation. Offer to provide or find a temporary shelter they can run to.
- Offer some financial assistance if necessary. An abuser will try to have absolute control over a victim’s money so their personal freedoms are severely restricted.
- Prepare for the possibility of retaliation from the abuser. They may accuse us of “stealing” or “brainwashing” their partner and become aggressive or violent. Never see an abuser alone, always bring along a witness or two.
9. Be patient and continue to follow up
An abuser’s domination over a victim can be so overpowering that it will take time for our relative or friend to slowly regain their sense of self again, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It can even take a year or more to come out of the trauma of abuse and to gradually heal, turn back to God, and learn how to live as an individual again.
Throughout this transition, they will need our faithful love and support as they adjust to a new normal. They will also need to rededicate their lives to Jesus, possibly be baptised again to be filled with the Holy Spirit, to study God’s Word, and to grow within a community of God-fearing believers who will demonstrate what love is, according to God’s Word (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). In some cases, they may need inner healing and deliverance from spiritual bondage. For more, please see Wisdom in handling abusive relationships.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Let’s remember that at the beginning, they will still be fragile and vulnerable to an abuser’s twisted words and promises, and we need to encourage them to stand firm and rely on God for strength whenever their tormentor comes back to try to “reconcile”. Victims need to see that unrepentant abusers simply want to take back control so they can continue to rule over their “slaves” – even to the point of momentarily grovelling just to get their way. People who are truly sorry will get help first and be made right before God first, before they hurt anyone else again.
John 10:9-10 ESV I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
On the other hand, if our relative or friend feels led to continue in their relationship for the sake of their children, for example, they will need to be counselled on how to draw healthy boundaries and perhaps even live apart until the abusive partner repents and submits to God, and consents to go for counseling and be discipled.
Also, see Jesus frees banker from slavery to destructive patterns
May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and love others like He loves you.