Honouring Asian parents within biblical boundaries
God is our good and eternal Father. He is full of compassion and mercy, and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. God made every one of us in His image and gives us life. We are reminded that “whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” Asian parents, on the other hand, often feel duty-bound to sacrificially strive for their children’s earthly success so as not to disgrace the family image and name. This can lead the next generation to feel obligated to meet their parents’ desires in order to avoid bringing their family shame. How can Asian believers balance such earthly family expectations with wholeheartedly following God?
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 按圣经范畴尊敬亚洲父母 | 繁體中文 > 按聖經範疇尊敬亞洲父母)
Psalm 86:15 ESV But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
Genesis 1:27 NLT So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
Job 33:4 ESV The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
Romans 14:8 NLT If we live, it’s to honor the Lord. And if we die, it’s to honor the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.
God calls us to honour our parents. In fact, this commandment is repeated a few times in the Bible (Exodus 20:12, Deuteronomy 5:16, Ephesians 6:2) and is the first commandment that comes with a promise of God’s blessing and favour.
Deuteronomy 5:16 ESV “‘Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.
Ephesians 6:2-3 ESV “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
In addition, we are told to:
- Show our parents respect | Leviticus 19:32 NLT “Stand up in the presence of the elderly, and show respect for the aged. Fear your God. I am the LORD.
- Return the care we have received from them | 1 Timothy 5:4 NLT But if she has children or grandchildren, their first responsibility is to show godliness at home and repay their parents by taking care of them. This is something that pleases God.
- Provide for them | 1 Timothy 5:8 ESV But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
- Listen to them | Proverbs 23:22 ESV Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.
- Not despise them | Proverbs 23:22 ESV Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old.
- Never revile or curse them | Matthew 15:4 ESV For God commanded, ‘Honor your father and your mother,’ and, ‘Whoever reviles father or mother must surely die.’
Proverbs 6:20 also reminds us to follow our parents’ teachings. This, however, would be on the presumption that their teachings are aligned with God’s Word. Deuteronomy 6 outlines how God expects parents to diligently teach their children His will from morning to night, both through their actions and their words.
Proverbs 6:20 ESV My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 ESV And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.
The costs that come with Asian parenting styles
Asian cultures have a different set of rules. Duty, self-sacrifice, and obedience to our parents is of paramount importance.
Asian parents work hard to provide their children with the best start in life. Consequently, they expect their children to comply with their work ethic and expectations. There is pressure on children to fit into certain stereotypes and reach certain benchmarks that have been predetermined for them. Comparisons amongst Asian families are common. Praise and acknowledgment are often withheld for fear of encouraging complacency. Family time, play, and self-discovery take second place to academic achievements.
Performance always comes first, emotions and affirmation second.
All this can cause children to suppress their own desires, opinions, and emotions in order to please and obey their parents. All this is fine when children are little but can become an issue as they grow older and discover that their instinctual interests do not match their parents’.
We may know our parents have worked hard to provide for us. Yet it is hard to feel loved and celebrated for who we are when our lives have been constrained by family rules. One’s self-esteem can suffer. We feel anxious, conflicted, insecure, trapped, resentful, depressed, and even angry; obliged to please our parents for the rest of our days. Any hint of disapproval from any parent brings waves of guilt, grief, and self-condemnation.
Unfortunately, such conflicted emotions can infect our relationship with God as well. We see God as demanding, controlling, and wanting to take the fun out of life, because this is how we felt growing up at home.
Also, see Filial piety (孝, xiào), playing by Confucius’ family rules and How cultural values impact our relationship with God
Some clarifications
As believers, we are called to renew our minds so that we are able to discern what is God’s will and not mimic the “behavior and customs of this world”. This is true for Asian family customs.
Romans 12:2 NLT Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Here are some common misunderstandings.
1. Parents don’t always know what’s best
It is impossible for any human being to know what is best for any one child. We are all limited by our backgrounds and exposure. The world is changing all the time and what may be good today, may become outdated tomorrow.
Only God who created us and who knows the future is able to determine what is best for us. The Bible specifically says that “no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.” We can thank God that He will reveal His good and perfect plans for us through the Holy Spirit when we seek Him with all our hearts.
1 Corinthians 2:9-10 ESV But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”— these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God.
2. Duty isn’t the same as love
The first and greatest commandment is to love God, our Heavenly Father. Yet in His love for us, He does not enforce this as a duty on us. Rather, He gives us the free will to choose whether to respond or not. Love is freely given without expecting anything in return. It “does not insist on its own way” nor does it guilt-trip and manipulate others into submission. Duty and love are not the same. One is controlling, the other is not.
Luke 6:35 ESV But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
3. Passing on the trauma of generational poverty
Some Asian parents raise their children based on very real fears (of failure, lack, insecurity, falling behind) as a consequence of poverty in previous generations. The trauma and shame that comes with poverty can have lingering effects down several generations. Sometimes, parents try to compensate for what they lacked by making us do the things they wished they could have or giving us the things they wished they had.
Unfortunately, parenting that is driven by fear has the danger of becoming controlling and stifling. Fear and love are not compatible. Those who are raised based on fear do not usually feel loved.
1 John 4:18 ESV There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…
4. Our debts are first and foremost to God
Some Asian parents can find it hard to accept that their children don’t owe it to them to obey them, given all the sacrifices they had chosen to make on their behalf. Yet every human being, especially believers, belong to God first and foremost and we owe Him our very lives.
Romans 14:8 ESV For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.
In heaven, there are no earthly institutions of marriage or family. We are all equal in God’s eyes. It would be a mistake to allow someone else, even if they raised us, to lord over us once we come out of childhood.
5. Valuing high performance does not lead to peace
Living according to worldly standards leads to an endless cycle of striving. The things of this world keep changing and it is easy to fall behind chasing temporal things, none of which bring lasting peace or qualify us for heaven. God calls us to build “treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal.”
Matthew 6:19-21 ESV “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
Also, see The dangers of Christian self-improvement
6. Godly discipline does not lead to fear, punishment does
In Asian households, public shaming, belittlement, or harsh punishment may sometimes be used on children without giving them a chance to speak up for themselves. While this can have quick and immediate results in subduing a child, it can have long-term repercussions on his or her self-esteem. Correction without counsel or clarification does not feel loving. Instead, it can discourage, frighten, or frustrate a child.
1 John 4:18 NLT … perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.
Colossians 3:21 ESV Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Ephesians 6:4 ESV Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
The Bible repeatedly reminds parents to discipline their children – but the focus is always on preventing the younger generation from sinning against God and against people. It brings about “the peaceful fruit of righteousness”. The Asian pattern of one-sided “discipline”, however, can lead to shame, fear, resentment, and even bitterness.
Proverbs 22:15 ESV Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.
Hebrews 12:11 ESV For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
When Asian believers turn to God, there is often a need to recalibrate our understanding of His discipline. God’s discipline is not meant to shame or condemn us, but rather, it is meant to correct us and mold us more and more in His image so we can grow into genuine children of God.
Hebrews 12:6-8 ESV For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.
John 3:17 ESV For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.
6. Marriage boundaries are non-negotiable
God created marriage to be a perfect union between a man and woman, with no other party in between – including our parents. Once we are married, we are to leave father and mother, strike out on our own, and seek God’s will together with our spouse.
Genesis 2:24 NLT … a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.
Because the veneration of one’s elders is a basic tenet of many Asian cultures, parents can feel deeply offended or betrayed if we give our first loyalty to God or our spouse, instead of them. This can lead to inter-generational conflict, stress, and disharmony.
Hence, it is always helpful to:
- Begin to draw clear boundaries even before the wedding day, so that it sets a good precedent for the future.
- Clarify that all decisions are jointly made so that no spouse is seen as pulling anyone away from their parents if their opinions differ from ours.
- Be financially independent of our parents.
- Live separately from them.
- Set a reasonable limit on the frequency of their visits or the amount of time spent with them.
- Never complain about one’s spouse to one’s parents because we will be tempting them to intervene in our marriage. Instead, we ought to pray and ask our Heavenly Father for His wisdom and help.
Healthy boundaries
When we have never learnt to see ourselves as independent grown-ups from our families, learning to discern healthy emotional, physical, and material boundaries with our parents can feel disrespectful and dishonouring. Many Asian Christians feel duty-bound to always honour their parents’ wishes and advice.
As a general principle, this is a good thing and is in line with God’s Word except on one condition – that we do not set up idols in our hearts and love anyone or anything in this world more than God. This includes “father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters.” Neither are we meant to be enslaved to their opinions and desires. Otherwise, we become unworthy of Jesus. God created us and gave us life. Without Him, we would not be alive or have the families we do. We owe our very being to God.
Ezekiel 20:18–19 ESV “And I said to their children in the wilderness, ‘Do not walk in the statutes of your fathers, nor keep their rules, nor defile yourselves with their idols. I am the Lord your God; walk in my statutes, and be careful to obey my rules,
Luke 14:26 ESV “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.
Matthew 10:37 ESV Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
Distinguishing between honouring our parents and obeying God takes some wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit.
Romans 8:14-15 NLT For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”
For example, we can recognise a lack of healthy boundaries if our parents expect to:
- Be judge | They give us their opinion on all aspects of our lives | The Bible reminds us: Romans 2:1 ESV Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things.
- Intrude | They want to be told everything about our lives and relationships | The Bible reminds us: 1 Thessalonians 4:11 NIV You should mind your own business …
- Be sponsored | They have no qualms about draining our savings to pay for their lifestyle, debts, bad habits etc. | The Bible reminds us: 2 Corinthians 12:14 ESV …For children are not obligated to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.
- Live vicariously | They wish to live their lives through us | The Bible reminds us: 1 John 2:17 ESV And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.
- Be parented | They rely on us heavily for counsel, advice, and comfort | The Bible reminds us: Philippians 4:6 ESV Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
- Share enemies | They expect us to hate or despise the people they do | The Bible reminds us: Romans 12:17-19 ESV Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
- “Baby” us | They treat us as if we are little children | The Bible reminds us: 1 Thessalonians 4:11 NIV and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you,
- Cross the line | They have no physical boundaries and intrude on our personal space and time | The Bible reminds us: Romans 12:10 ESV Outdo one another in showing honor.
- Lead us to idolatry | They bring us to worship the idols they do | The Bible reminds us: 1 Corinthians 10:14 ESV Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.
- Lead us into sin | They have us participate in the things that grieve and anger God | Psalm 106:39 NIV They defiled themselves by what they did; by their deeds they prostituted themselves. Therefore the LORD was angry with his people and abhorred his inheritance.
Such expectations hinder us from standing on our own as individuals. It can feel enslaving and burdensome. Yet we may find it hard to speak to our parents about how we truly feel or what we truly need from them.
In most Asian cultures, “children are to be seen, not heard” and “the patriarch decrees everything.” As such, we seldom receive the teaching or encouragement we need to speak up for ourselves in respectful ways. Therefore, communicating important boundaries to our parents for the first time can initially feel awkward and uncomfortable – simply because it is foreign to both of us.
Let us model Jesus’ behaviour
For a godly model of how children can interact with their parents, let us take look at Jesus.
1. Jesus was both independent and submissive from young
As a child, Jesus willingly submitted to both His parents but He was also not afraid to talk independently amongst adults, particularly about God, as seen by the three days He spent at the temple in Jerusalem entirely on his own.
Luke 2:46-51 ESV After three days they found him in the temple, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers. And when his parents saw him, they were astonished. And his mother said to him, “Son, why have you treated us so? Behold, your father and I have been searching for you in great distress.” And he said to them, “Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?” And they did not understand the saying that he spoke to them. And he went down with them and came to Nazareth and was submissive to them. And his mother treasured up all these things in her heart.
2. Jesus spoke up for Himself about His boundaries
When Jesus was a young man, His mother highlighted the need for more wine at a wedding party. She did not, however, tell Him what to do next.
John 2:3-5 ESV When the wine ran out, the mother of Jesus said to him, “They have no wine.” And Jesus said to her, “Woman, what does this have to do with me? My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.”
Even so, Jesus spoke up and communicated to Mary that she had crossed a boundary, since the wine was not His responsibility. Nonetheless, He still chose to honour her and blessed the wedding by changing water into wine. Mary wisely didn’t boast to others about what Jesus had done. She simply instructed the servants to follow His instructions, whatever He decided to do.
3. Jesus stood totally independently but still showed care
Not long after this incident, Jesus went to be baptised as an adult. At this point, God publicly acknowledged Jesus as His beloved Son and the Holy Spirit began to actively lead Jesus.
Matthew 3:16-17 ESV And when Jesus was baptized, immediately he went up from the water, and behold, the heavens were opened to him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and coming to rest on him; and behold, a voice from heaven said, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased.”
This is when we see the sharpest boundary that Jesus drew with His mother, Mary. Mary had gone to look for Him, together with His brothers. Jesus did not respond immediately. Instead, He made them wait and addressed the crowd around Him first. He proclaimed that anyone who obeyed the will of God was also His “mother” and brother and sister. He saw God’s people as His own adopted family, of equal, if not more important than His earthly one. All these stand in sharp contrast to Asian family expectations.
Matthew 12:46-50 ESV While he was still speaking to the people, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him. But he replied to the man who told him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.”
Ephesians 1:4-5 ESV … In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will,
This does not mean that Jesus did not respect or provide for His mother. Before He died, He entrusted Mary to the care of His beloved and loyal disciple, John, who was also present at His crucifixion.
John 19:26–27 ESV When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.
Seek God’s higher purpose
Many Asian children are their parents’ idols and vice versa. Also, see 4 ways we unknowingly idolise our parents.
Asian parents tend to excessively idolise their children’s performance and reputation. This can apply immense pressure on us to idolise them back and not disappoint them.
Because our parents have already occupied the first position in our hearts, it makes fulfilling God’s commandment to love Him with all our hearts and minds a real conflict. It takes personal conviction and courage to turn away from such idolatry. We cannot say we follow Jesus fully if our loyalties are split between God and our earthly families.
Luke 9:61-62 NLT Another said, “Yes, Lord, I will follow you, but first let me say good-bye to my family.” But Jesus told him, “Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”
Here some practical guidance on what we can do to renew our minds about our family dynamics within an Asian context.
1. Commit to one Primary Parent
Jesus told us not to call anyone on earth “father” because we have only one Father. By doing so, He distinguished the primary position that God is to have in our hearts, as compared to our earthly guardians.
Matthew 23:9 ESV And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven.
2. God’s desire is for us to be a blessing from Him
God, in His perfect wisdom, chose us to be a gift and blessing to our earthly families. This does not necessarily depend on us providing lots of material things. More importantly, we have the opportunity to be a living witness for Jesus Christ. May God use our testimony to turn their hearts to Him in all their ways.
Psalm 127:3-4 ESV Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.
3. We are to become more like Jesus, not more like our parents
As Jesus’ followers, we are to put away the ways we learnt when we were little. This also means we need to stop seeing ourselves as subordinate, inferior, or secondary to our parents. God doesn’t create different tiers of people, society does.
1 Corinthians 13:11 ESV When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
4. Thank God for our parents
Let us thank God for our parents and our upbringing, regardless of our differences. As we do so, we get to pass the ownership of our relationship challenges back to the rightful Owner. God chose the time and place of our birth. He is the One who chose our parents for us. He will help us become His light in our families. As we praise God for our parents, we will also be better positioned to see them the way God sees them – “harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” Both our parents and we have our own issues and need God equally much.
1 Thessalonians 5:18 NLT Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.
Acts 17:25-26 NLT … He himself gives life and breath to everything, and he satisfies every need. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place,
Matthew 9:35-6 ESV And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.
5. Find out about their own upbringing
Because of the importance of preserving one’s honour, many Asians don’t like talking about family matters that they find shameful. Yet it is such details that will help us gain a fuller understanding of why our parents do the things they do, and the fears and anxieties that drive them. One way around this is to gently ask our relatives about how our older generation were raised. The more we find out about our parents’ upbringing, the more we will notice the impact of generational bitterness, division, jealousy, and strife on us, particularly if there has been idol worship down the family line.
Also, see Breaking generational curses.
6. Recognise the work of Satan to destroy families
Families that are dedicated to God find that they live fulfilling and meaningful lives.
John 10:10 ESV The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
Many Asian families, however, worship idols. This gives Satan a foothold in their households to steal, kill and destroy. When this happens, we will find that there is a noticeable lack of love, peace, joy, and hope. Instead, there is a pattern of insecurity, striving, quarreling, adultery, financial issues, and sickness. Our parents may be trapped in such a system for so long that they perpetuate such ungodly patterns without realising it.
Ephesians 4:27 NIV do not give the devil a foothold.
7. Repent of family idols
Most Asians are obliged to “pay respects” to man-made idols at ancestral villages, temples, or family altars, or have been influenced to also chase after worldly idols of money, achievements, reputation, honour, power, and so on.
Ezekiel 20:18-19 NLT “Then I warned their children not to follow in their parents’ footsteps, defiling themselves with their idols. ‘I am the LORD your God,’ I told them. ‘Follow my decrees, pay attention to my regulations,
When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Saviour, we need to turn away from such family idols and give our hearts wholeheartedly to Him for renewal. For this, we need to confess our parents’ and forefathers’ sin of idolatry and ask God for forgiveness, so that we can become purified vessels for the Holy Spirit.
Psalm 78:7-8 NLT So each generation should set its hope anew on God, not forgetting his glorious miracles and obeying his commands. Then they will not be like their ancestors— stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful, refusing to give their hearts to God.
Where we have idolatrous heirlooms and lucky charms, we will need to “throw them out like filthy rags.” Otherwise, these will defile us spiritually and give Satan a lingering foothold in our lives.
Isaiah 30:22-23 NLT Then you will destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images. You will throw them out like filthy rags, saying to them, “Good riddance!” Then the Lord will bless you with rain at planting time. There will be wonderful harvests and plenty of pastureland for your livestock.
Please refer to A prayer to break off the curses of idolatry.
8. Confess our hurts, disappointments, and burdens
There is no earthly parent who is all-knowing, all-patient, all-understanding, and always present at the right time. We all suffer some hurt or disappointment in our relationship with our parents. There is also the issue of favouritism within typical Asian families, whether it is boys over girls, higher performers over normal performers, compliant over independent children etc.
In particular, those of us with the spiritual gift of mercy, service, or helps will feel especially burdened by our family’s expectations and demands, leading to greater anxiety and heaviness.
God in His mercy and love, invites us to pour our grievances, anxieties and burdens to Him. He is the God of all comfort, and He shares His comfort abundantly with us when we humbly seek Him.
1 Peter 5:7 ESV casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 ESV Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.
Also, see:
A prayer over family disappointments
Toxic parents who bring us pain
Parent wounds need to be healed
9. Repent of judging, cursing, or hating our earthly parents
We cannot judge, condemn, hate or hit our parents without reaping curses on ourselves, since we are attacking the source of our beginnings in this world.
Galatians 6:7 ESV Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
This is unwise. In fact, the Bible repeatedly warns us that anyone who curses, reviles, or strikes their parents should be put to death (Exodus 21:15, Exodus 21:17, Leviticus 20:9, Proverbs 20:20, Matthew 15:4). Thankfully, God is merciful. He will cleanse us of the curses we bring upon ourselves when we ask for His forgiveness in Jesus’ name. It can, however, be difficult to remember all the ways we have dishonoured our parents. If this is so, we simply need to ask the Holy Spirit to help bring to our memory, any time we have done such dishonourable things so that we can repent and receive His forgiveness.
Galatians 3:13 ESV Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us—for it is written, “Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree”—
For more, please see Cursing our parents curses us back.
10. Forgive them
No matter how imperfect our parents have been, they are simply a product of their own upbringings and experiences. Those who have not healed for their own bitter experiences will naturally lack the capacity to love others well. This is also how family brokenness continues down the generations. When we acknowledge our family’s iniquities, forgive them and bless them, followed by asking God to forgive us for the ways we have repeated those same patterns, we will prevent generational curses from passing down to us.
Mark 11:25 ESV And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
11. Begin to respectfully correct our parents and communicate our boundaries
Our parents often parent us the way they were. Perhaps they have never had anyone counsel them on what makes for good communications and mutual respect with their children. When we are grown up, that responsibility will fall on us. Our parents remain ignorant of our true desires only because we have never spoken to them about it.
Ephesians 4:15 ESV … we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
Here are some steps we can take:
- Pray and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom | James 1:5 ESV If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
- Approach them with a heart of humility | 1 Peter 5:5 ESV Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
- Honour them and submit to their authority | 1 Peter 5:5 NLT In the same way, you who are younger must accept the authority of the elders…
- Do not rebuke them. Rather, encourage them by acknowledging them for all their sacrifices for us | 1 Timothy 5:1-2 ESV Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.
- Then point out the boundaries they have crossed in a spirit of gentleness | Galatians 6:1 ESV Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
- Recognise our parents’ unspoken anxieties, assure them of our continued care | Ephesians 4:29 ESV Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
We can have the confidence that because God chose us for our parents, He can also equip us with the wisdom, love, and perseverance to honour them well, and hopefully lead them to Christ also.
Philippians 2:13 ESV For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.
A testimony
“Growing up, I had a very tight relationship with my dad who did his best to father me, despite his imperfections. That relationship had been my comfort zone as I sought guidance, providence, and love from him as a child and teenager. Little did I know it had formed a strong sense of reliance, bondage, and even idolatry towards my dad in me.
My dad is an Asian family man, always seeking the best for his children. Always strategic and deliberate in every decision, he taught me the same. He was my coach who climbed many mountains with me (figuratively and literally). He guided me through many major milestones in the hope of protecting me from any misstep and pushing me to reach higher heights. We were a team. I listened to him because I always believed he knows better. This is not to say he is perfect – quite the opposite there were heavy punishments and excessive emotional outbursts as discipline. Those were the hurtful traumatic episodes when I look back now.
Resistance grew against him in recent years as I no longer needed or wanted to be under his wings as a “little girl”.
During a time of prayer ministry, the Holy Spirit revealed that I had been under my dad’s dominating control, which suppressed my own voice and emotions. I could now identify repeating patterns in my other relationships: being attracted to free-spirited guys who are quite the opposite of my dad as an escape; tending to be compliant, muting my voice, and running away when conflicts arise.
Led by a prayer counsellor, I forgave my father for his control over me as a kid and teenager. I repented of idolising my dad, which frees me from holding him against a high standard, and being disappointed whenever he falls short. My dad is not God! He is my earthly father and my brother-in-Christ whom I am called to love.
In Jesus’ name, I cut off all the generational occult and ungodly ties related to our Chinese clan. Broke all the patterns of brokenness that run down in the family, and professed curses have no place in our family and our generations onwards!
Recently, a friend asked me when I feel most liberated. Without a doubt, I answered her, it was only during my faraway solo trips when I have sweet adventure time with Jesus. That was clearly a lie! It was revealed that leaving the country was the only time I felt most far away from my dad’s influence at home (my idol) and free to truly worship God.
The Holy Spirit reminded me He is the One who takes care of and holds my emotions, feelings, my needs. I declared allegiance to Him and Him alone! He is my only Father. My earthly father is not my ultimate standard, provider, guidance. We are put together as a family on earth by our loving Heavenly Father to bring Him glory.
I am called to the land of freedom at home as much as when I am abroad. I am independent of men. My allegiance is to God who satisfies me. No need to seek elsewhere. Thank you, Jesus!”
May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and honour Him as your first love over all human beings.