Is there hope for narcissistic people?

The Bible warns us that narcissism will only increase. People will be “lovers of self, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self–control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God.” This is in contrast to Jesus, who is loving, patient, long suffering, and humble even though He has all power and authority over the entire universe. There is certainly an antichrist element in narcissism. As believers, we are called to value others above ourselves but how can we interact with narcissists in ways that are honouring and loving, but not enabling?

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 自恋者有希望吗？ | 繁體中文 > 自戀者有希望嗎？)

 

2 Timothy 3:1-5 ESV  But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self–control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

Philippians 2:3 NIV  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,

Understanding the roots of narcissism

We all know individuals who seem to think and talk only about themselves. It is hard to connect with self-obsessed and attention-seeking narcissists in deep meaningful ways. Narcissists tend to live in their own private world where everything centres around them. They may be motivated by the need to always be right, come out on top, or be vindicated. Other people’s needs are unimportant.

But no one is born a narcissist. While highly competitive, individualistic cultures may cultivate narcissistic tendencies, it is actually one’s family upbringing that largely determines whether someone turns out narcissistic or not.

1. Raised as little emperor/empress: Entitlement

Anyone used to being given excessive amounts of attention and being over-indulged at home, without proper correction and discipline, is likely to become self-entitled and narcissistic. “Little emperors” or “empresses” expect to be doted on all the time by everyone else. Their inner voice says, “Everyone else is secondary compared to me.”

2. Compensating for childhood neglect: Bitterness

On the other extreme are narcissists who spend their lives making up for feeling neglected or belittled as children. Perhaps they suffered chronic favouritism at home or were mocked and rejected by their peers. Such narcissists come from a place of unresolved childhood anxieties and deep pain. Their inner voice says, “Look at me! I’m worthy of love. Don’t forget me. I will never allow myself to be neglected or put down again.”

3. Mimicking narcissistic parents: Ignorance

Children learn a lot by observing adults. If their parents exhibit narcissistic traits, children will simply follow suit, not knowing right from wrong. Their inner voice says, “This is the only or best way to behave.”

4. Trained to win: Performance

Children that are raised by narcissistic parents are often “trained” to look good and be good in all circumstances, since they are an “extension” of their parents’ image and reputations. Such children will tend to become self-obsessed, not only because their parents enforced this expectation on them but also because they are subconsciously fearful of letting their parents down. Their inner voice says, “I need to always look good and let my goodness be known (so I don’t let mummy / daddy down).”

Narcissists are self–absorbed but also self–deceived

Narcissists covet other people’s acknowledgment and approval, and struggle to take disappointment or criticism well. For them, unquestioning affirmation and agreement are the equivalents of love and respect. They do not realise that by boasting and insisting that their way is best, they are not loving on their part. Also, see Understanding what love is and what it isn’t.

1 Corinthians 13:4-6 ESV  Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Ironically, narcissists can actually be highly sensitive people who have closed their hearts to others. In other words, they can be highly sensitive towards other people’s comments about them, but will be highly insensitive to how they make others feel. Such a pattern is often the result of a hardening of the heart from young, possibly in response to childhood neglect or abuse. A sensitive child who was frequently bullied in school, for example, may retaliate against the humiliation by vowing to show the whole world how great they really will become one day. Also, see How our hearts subconsciously block God out.

Their narcissistic behaviour may lead others to view them as being vain and self-absorbed when in reality, a narcissist’s inner world is filled with insecurity and emptiness – although they may not admit it.

Narcissists have trained themselves to deny any vulnerability. Tellingly, brain scans show that narcissists’ brains are more active in areas related to self-deception and compulsive behaviour than most people. Their brains are also less active in areas of self-reflection.

Facing up to reality can be very terrifying for narcissists.

Blinded and trapped by the devil

We will notice that narcissistic people can be so consumed by their wants that they don’t see that they have an issue. The Bible states that people can flatter themselves and become blind to their own sins.

Psalm 36:1-3 ESV … Transgression speaks to the wicked deep in his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes. For he flatters himself in his own eyes that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated. The words of his mouth are trouble and deceit; he has ceased to act wisely and do good.

This is how narcissists are easily captured by Satan to do whatever the devil wants. Satan, who is the “father of lies” will tempt every human being to be more like him; prideful, self-absorbed, and self-deceived. This is also primarily where the Jezebel spirit operates, particularly where some form of idol worship or witchcraft is involved. For more, please see Overcoming the spirit of Jezebel and A prayer over Jezebel oppression

2 Timothy 2:26 NLT  Then they will come to their senses and escape from the devil’s trap. For they have been held captive by him to do whatever he wants

John 8:44 NIV  You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father‘s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.  

A narcissist’s insecurities and demands override two crucial biblical commandments, which is to love God and to love others. Narcissists have learnt to primarily love themselves.  Narcissism, whether mild or severe, always leads to sinful behaviour.

Matthew 22:36-40 ESV  “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?” And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Also, see
Denial as a defence mechanism destroys
The subconscious ways we deceive ourselves 

So, are we narcissistic?

Before we are tempted to point the finger at other people, it would be helpful to also self-reflect. How can we be sure we have not been blinded by Satan to our own narcissism?

2 Corinthians 4:4 NLT  Satan, who is the god of this world, has blinded the minds of those who don’t believe. They are unable to see the glorious light of the Good News. They don’t understand this message about the glory of Christ, who is the exact likeness of God.

Perhaps we are not someone who will resort to outright evil in order to “win” at any cost, but may draw attention to ourselves in more subtle ways:

• We make sure other people are aware how much good work we do or how much knowledge we have.
• We play up the image of a helpless victim in order to draw attention away from others.
• We make sure to point out the faults of anyone else who receives more praise or attention than we do.
• We whine and complain about our circumstances in order to draw sympathy. We are only interested in pouring out all our grievances to others, not in listening to them.

Philippians 2:14-15 ESV  Do all things without grumbling or disputing, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

James 1:19 NLT  Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.

Here are  a few characteristics of a narcissistic person:

• Image-conscious – It is important that other people see the best of what we can offer. We are conscious to upkeep and protect our image.
• Limelight – We enjoy being admired or heard. We tell people how good we are and show them our possessions and our achievements, whether subtly or overtly. We don’t like it when other people overlook us or our achievements.
• Quick to defend – We are highly motivated to protect our ideals and self-image and react quickly when we feel that these are threatened.
• Control – Things turn out right when we have our way. When things don’t go according to (our) plan, it is always someone else’s fault.
• Restless – The world needs to fit into our personal paradigms. We become anxious and restless when they don’t.
• Entitled to the very best – We deserve and expect only the best benefits and privileges. We expect others to see our point of view and give us what we want.
• No desire for emotional connections – We don’t understand why some people are so sensitive and so needy. We think they should “get over it” or “just move on.”
• Friendships are practical – Our friends must make us look and feel good. We surround ourselves with “yes men”. Generally, our friendships are more “transactional” than relational. We only seek our friends when there is a need.

Most people hang around us because they want something from us or are very insecure themselves. We find we don’t really experience deep meaningful love.

If this largely describes us, please read on.

What we should do around narcissists

It is helpful to keep in mind that narcissism is just a type of behaviour. Every narcissist is a human being created by God just like us, except that they have been corrupted by this world. It may be tempting to judge, mock, and condemn such individuals, but this would only grieve the Holy Spirit whom God has placed in every follower of Christ. Instead, we are called to be innocent as doves but also as wise as serpents.

Matthew 10:16 ESV  “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.

1. Remember our first Source of love and affirmation

If we hope that narcissistic people will return our love, we will be disappointed.

God is our true Source of all love. Anyone from whom we seek affirmation, approval, and love, over and above God, is essentially an idol. We must be careful not to idolise narcissists by desiring anything from them except that they be liberated from Satan’s trap to experience God’s perfect love, joy, and peace instead. In this way, we will find we won’t be so easily offended, frustrated, anxious, or hurt. We can be more sober-minded.

Psalm 73:25-26 ESV  Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

1 Peter 1:13 ESV  Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober–minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

2. Next, check our own hearts

If we find that a narcissistic person pushes our buttons, so to speak, it is worthwhile to invite the Holy Spirit to search our hearts and show us if there is an area that has not yet been crucified and renewed by God’s Spirit.

Psalm 139:23-24 NIV  Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Are we holding on to grudges? Are we jealous that the narcissist is successfully winning the attention of someone we idolise? Do we think too highly of ourselves? Perhaps we are also narcissistic in some way. Narcissists tend to antagonise other narcissists because both are fighting for the top spot. Each may see the speck the other’s eye but not the log in their own.

Matthew 7:1-5 NLT  “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 4 How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

Are we hurt by the narcissist’s lack of attention and empathy? Perhaps we should first seek God’s loving reassurances for our worth and value to Him. For this, we need to make time to be still before Him and pour out all our hurts and disappointments, and wait for the Holy Spirit’s comforting response.

3. Be prepared to forgive often and remain undefiled

It is also helpful to remember not to replay a narcissist’s distasteful actions or words in our minds and to forgive them quickly. A narcissist may sin against us but we do not need to join in their sin. We also need not be corrupted by their behaviour by retaliating or responding with hurtful words or behavior.

James 1:27 NLT  Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means … refusing to let the world corrupt you.

Narcissists are spiritually blind. Just as a visually handicapped person cannot read a book, an emotionally handicapped person will not be able to read our feelings. They will, without a doubt, come across as selfish, self-absorbed, uncaring, and dismissive. In spite of this, we can certainly show them God’s love and pray for them.

Matthew 5:43-46 ESV  “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? …

4. Set boundaries

At the same time, we need to be wise and draw sensible boundaries.

• Are we being manipulated to behave a certain way so as to make the narcissist look good? Perhaps we need to choose to obey God first, not any fellow human being.
• Are we allowing the narcissist to put us down when we are all made in the image of God? Perhaps we need to respectfully correct them.
• Are we being extorted out of money that God has given us to steward? Perhaps we need to pray and ask God what we should do first.

Narcissists can unknowingly try to play god in other people’s lives. We need to be clear-minded about who it is that we serve first and foremost.

Galatians 1:10 ESV  For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

5. Be prepared to speak the truth in love

Depending on how they were raised, narcissistic people may have never received godly correction and discipline with regards to how they ought to think about themselves and behave towards others.

It may very well be God’s will for us to lovingly bring revelation and truth. Therefore, let us first seek the Holy Spirit’s counsel and ask Him how we are to engage with a narcissistic person.

Ephesians 4:15 NIV  Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Should we seek to build a relationship with them or should we minimise our interaction with and avoid them? Only God will know the hidden motivations of a person’s hearts and if they will be open to the truth.

If the Holy Spirit leads us to build relationships with narcissists, He may open up opportunities to ask them, one-on-one, if they are aware of how they make other people feel. These candid conversations may lead them to welcome the Light of the world and repent so that the Holy Spirit can set them free from spiritual blindness and Satan’s clutches. They most likely need to be baptised and invite the Holy Spirit to give them a new heart and a new spirit. In some cases, they may additionally need to be delivered of demonic strongholds.

Ezekiel 11:19 ESV  And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh,

John 8:12 ESV  Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”  

Jeremiah 17:10 ESV  “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.”

6. Know when to completely disengage

We can note that the Bible gives clear instructions when we are not to engage with certain types of people. They tend to bring division amongst believers and erect obstacles to the gospel. We can recognise them by the way they gossip and put others down, try to emotionally blackmail us into following their desires or fly into a rage at innocent people. We cannot be seen to be condoning or enabling such behaviour when it hurts the body of Christ, which is His followers.

Romans 16:17-18 ESV  I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.  

Proverbs 22:24-25 ESV  Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Also, see Wisdom in handling abusive relationships 

What to do if we realise we are narcissistic

There is good news for people with narcissistic traits. Just as these characteristics were learned, we can also un-learn them.

The bad news is that dying to our narcissistic ways is a process that will involve intentionality and conviction. These traits have been honed over many years and imprinted in our brains as automatic reflexes. They may not be so easily erased without daily obedience to God’s Word and the Holy Spirit.

King Saul is a case in point. He was chosen by God to be king over Israel and was initially filled with the Holy Spirit. Yet he presumed to know what was best, even better than God, and made grave mistakes. Eventually, God rejected Saul and chose David to be his successor. King Saul never repented but chose self-preservation, self-deception, and self-exaltation. He thought that no one else could be better than him and even sought to kill David. He spent the latter part of his reign consumed by jealousy and tormented by an evil spirit. Saul was anointed by the Holy Spirit but he did not truly submit to God and lost everything. The same can be said of narcissists who turn back to their own ways. We can lose any hard-earned initial victory.

1 Samuel 10:9-11 NLT  As Saul turned and started to leave, God gave him a new heart, and all Samuel’s signs were fulfilled that day. When Saul and his servant arrived at Gibeah, they saw a group of prophets coming toward them. Then the Spirit of God came powerfully upon Saul, and he, too, began to prophesy. When those who knew Saul heard about it, they exclaimed, “What? Is even Saul a prophet? How did the son of Kish become a prophet?”

1 Samuel 13:13-14 NLT  “How foolish!” Samuel exclaimed. “You have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you. Had you kept it, the Lord would have established your kingdom over Israel forever. But now your kingdom must end, for the Lord has sought out a man after his own heart. The Lord has already appointed him to be the leader of his people, because you have not kept the Lord’s command.”

The question for us then is, “how committed are we to becoming a new person?”

2 Corinthians 5:17 NLT  … anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

For one, it will require dying to ourselves completely and allowing God to transform us. Thank God that He has given us the Holy Spirit to help us along this journey. He is the One who washes away our sins and helps to renew our thoughts and attitudes.

Ephesians 4:21-24 NLT  Since you have heard about Jesus and have learned the truth that comes from him, throw off your old sinful nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God—truly righteous and holy.

1. Face up to the price we pay for being narcissistic

First, let us start by being honest about the state of our relationships in spite of how uncomfortable and painful that may feel after years of effectively lying to ourselves.

Narcissistic behaviour does not foster healthy relationships. People find it hard to love us. Some won’t even put up with us anymore. Those who do stick around us probably do so out of obligation, need, financial benefit, or fear. Deep inside us, we don’t really feel loved and are anxious about how much we matter. It all feels quite lonely and exhausting.

We may tell ourselves that it is because no one understands us or is not as sophisticated or intelligent as we are, but the fact of the matter is that we don’t know how to be loving towards other people. We have trained ourselves to care only for ourselves and look after our own interests. This quality is not very attractive to other people.

Philippians 2:3-4 ESV  Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Most detrimentally, narcissistic behaviour drives us apart from God. We are motivated by our personal desires and fears more than we are to love God and other people. We may even treat God as if He is our personal butler; we only call upon Him to serve our needs and answer our prayers. Our prayers may sound like this, “I want to be seen as important / beautiful / intelligent / successful and worthy of praise, please help me look good.” We don’t ask God what He thinks of our behaviour and wait on His reply. All followers of Christ are meant to bring God glory rather than seek glory for ourselves.

John 8:50 NIV  I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one who seeks it, and he is the judge.

Practical action points:

As a start, let us therefore pray to repent to God for:

• Hardening our hearts against the Holy Spirit and ignoring His gentle conviction. At some point of our lives, He would have tried to turn us back. | Hebrews 3:15 NLT Remember what it says: “Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts as Israel did when they rebelled.”
• Not seeking God’s purpose for our lives, driving our own agenda, and walking away from His good works He has prepared for us | Ephesians 2:10 ESV For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.  
• Idolising the attention and admiration | Exodus 20:3 ESV “You shall have no other gods before me.  
• Misusing our God-given talents and spiritual gifts to elevate ourselves, rather than to glorify God | Matthew 23:12 NLT But those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
• Deceiving ourselves about our condition and becoming a “child of the devil” | John 8:44 NLT For you are the children of your father the devil, and you love to do the evil things he does. He was a murderer from the beginning. He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.
• Our sinful attitudes towards other people, and for judging and slandering them | 1 Peter 2:1 ESV So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.
• Using our tongues to curse and put people down, rather than bless and build them up | James 3:8-10 ESV but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.

It is time to stop pushing others to the side, blaming others, and envying or comparing ourselves to others. We will all answer to God one day for our attitudes and our actions. It is best to take stock of our own issues and the state of our relationships before it is too late. As we do so, we will start to experience peace and joy again, after the initial discomfort. God does not condemn us when we repent, He welcomes us with open arms and will give us His peace.

Matthew 12:35-37 ESV  The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”

2. Be baptised in the Holy Spirit

After repenting, we probably want to be baptised in water as a declaration that we are finally burying our narcissistic selves and going to live a new resurrected life through the power of the Holy Spirit in us. Only God can give us a new heart and a new life. He is not petty and wants us to prosper in His ways.

Romans 6:4 ESV  We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

We can do this even if we have been baptised before or been a church attendee for decades, because in many ways, we remained our own god. We never truly died to and renounced our narcissistic ways but have been grieving the Holy Spirit by worshipping our desires more than God’s. Also, see Preparing our hearts for baptism.

Luke 14:33 ESV  So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.

3. Uncover the origins of our narcissistic ways to seek God’s healing from our fears

Underlying each spiritual stronghold is a fear. It is the same for narcissism.

Here is what God says about some of the fears behind narcissistic behaviour:

• Fear of being abandoned | 2 Thessalonians 3:3 ESV But the Lord is faithful. He will establish you and guard you against the evil one.
• Fear of being neglected or forgotten | Isaiah 49:15 ESV “Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
• Fear of being overlooked | Philippians 4:19 ESV And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
• Fear of letting our parents down | Proverbs 29:25 ESV The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.
• Fear of insignificance | Matthew 6:26 ESV Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?

Isaiah 41:10 ESV  Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Fear can manifest itself so subtly that we don’t notice it growing and slowly taking over our thought patterns. It can initially come across as a slight discomfort and confusion in the first instance. Over time, we can become conditioned and indifferent to our fears.

Other people may think we are proud and arrogant when it is actually our fears that drive us.

2 Timothy 1:7 ESV   For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Each of our fundamental fears can be traced back to an original point in childhood where we felt unprotected and overwhelmed. It is this point that we need to go back to and confess the circumstances that first planted the fear in our hearts which eventually led to us becoming self-obsessed and self-elevating. We will find that at the root of every fear is likely to be someone we need to forgive.

Practical action points:

• Do we need to forgive our guardians for not raising us with godly discipline and correction?
• Do we need to forgive anyone for neglecting our physical or emotional needs, even if it was not intended?
• Do we need to forgive anyone for pushing us to perform based on their earthly standards and instilling in us a need to constantly be number one?
• Do we need to forgive anyone for belittling us?
• Do we need to forgive ourselves for not meeting other people’s standards?

There is almost certain to be some bitterness we have been holding on to that we need to relent and give up to God.

Very importantly, we must make it a point to confess our pains from childhood to God and ask Him to heal our hearts. Otherwise, we will still be driven by our childhood fears and behave accordingly. This will hinder us from maturing into believers who will follow God.

1 Corinthians 14:20 NIV  Brothers and sisters, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults.

Also, see
Overcoming our hidden fear of abandonment.
Mistakes we make because we feel unworthy of God

Mark 7:21-23 ESV  For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”

4. Cast out spirits related to narcissism

Any form of pride and arrogance opens the door to evil spirits to operate in someone’s life. Narcissism is a major door. Besides seeking healing, be sure to cast out related spirits out of our bodies in Jesus’ name. Some examples include the spirit of narcissism, spirit of pride, spirit of fear, spirit of control, spirit of manipulation, spirit of lying, spirit of accusation, spirit of rage, spirit of envy, spirit of insanity, spirit of confusion, and so on. 

Sometimes, the spirit of narcissism can come in through a root of abuse by a narcissistic person, emotional or physical pain, idol worship, witchcraft, or even involvement with groups and cults that exalt the human self above God, such as Freemasons, in the family. In the latter cases, we may need to renounce any covenants made with Satan and his demons.

Set aside time with pray with a Holy Spirit-led believer and ask God to open our spiritual eyes and understanding to show us what are the spirits operating specifically in our life and take note of the names He gives us. Then cast those spirits out and command them to go to the pit of fire. In this way, the demonic strongholds that used to control our life will be broken in Jesus’ mighty name. We will experience deeper joy and peace like never before. 

5. Grow in the knowledge of the Holy Spirit

Where evil spirits used to fill our thoughts with narcissistic ideas, it is now time to turn to the Holy Spirit to help renew and regenerate us spiritually. Learn to listen to and discern His voice. There are resources in the Know The Holy Spirit section on this website to help us to do so.

Old narcissistic thoughts and patterns may appear to come back but we need to keep in mind that these are just temptations, and temptations do not define us. God does. When we have God on our side, that victory is assured. He who is in us (the Holy Spirit) is greater than he who is in the world (other spirits).

1 John 4:4 ESV  Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

6. Seek to renew our minds and overcome our ungodly patterns

Thank God that His mercies are new every morning. Each day is another opportunity to learn how to become more like Jesus Christ: loving, gentle and humble.

Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV  The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Matthew 11:29 NIV  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Turning over a new leaf requires conscientious effort on our part, together with some practical steps.

Practical action points:

• Practice daily self–reflection – When we used to cover up our issues in the past, it is now time to make time each day to reflect on our day and ask the Holy Spirit, “How did I love the people around me today? What could I have done better? Did my own narcissistic ways start to creep back in?” Don’t delay in asking for forgiveness or reconcile with others regarding any misunderstanding on that day itself. | 2 Corinthians 13:5 ESV Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!
• Practice confession and repentance – Everyone stumbles from time to time. God in His grace, gives us a fresh start again each time we confess our sins and ask the Holy Spirit to forgive us and cleanse our hearts. Let us not grieve Him by neglecting to get things right before God. | 1 John 1:8-9 ESV If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
• Turn away from parental pressures – We need to turn away from the ways we picked up from childhood and be careful not to subconsciously prioritise our parents’ approval and performing for them (even if they are no longer alive) over God’s approval. | Matthew 10:37 ESV Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
• Learn to acknowledge other people’s emotions – The deepest relationships are the ones where we can be at the most authentic with one another about our emotions. This is not to say that we can lose self-control, it means that we can “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” The first step is learning to recognise and acknowledge how other people feel, even if we don’t feel the same emotions. We can say, “Being in your situation must feel (emotion).” This honours the other person and respects them for who they are uniquely. | Romans 12:15-16 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.
• Start to serve others without expecting anything in return and not just look to our own self-interests – Like any muscle in our bodies, our hearts need to be exercised. Jesus came to serve, not to be served. So let’s start by volunteering and serving others, and we will find that God will help fill our hearts with compassion and love as we choose become like Jesus. | Matthew 20:26-28 ESV It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

In God’s kingdom, we will only truly become great when we are willing to become less. That is where we find the praise and affirmation we long for. Praise and affirmation from God will last for eternity. Everything else won’t.

John 3:30 NIV  He must become greater; I must become less.”

Testimony: Finding one root of arrogance in ancestry 

“Pride runs in my family regarding our family surname, which sounds like prosperity and money in Chinese. At the same time, I noticed that I kept running into sinful habits such as judging others, condemning them, and being arrogant and sarcastic. I was not sure if these were related. So I asked a friend to join me in seeking for the Holy Spirit’s guidance and deliverance. 

As I did a quick search online, I noted my family name was appointed by an ancient emperor. Since emperors are worshipped as gods, I felt convicted to renounce the emperor’s degrees over our family name in Jesus’ name. There is an antichrist spirit that runs in some dynasties. Now, my mind is less crowded by judgmental and sarcastic thoughts. I am still working through other issues of my heart but I am thankful for this first step.”

May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and love others as God loves you.