Sharing God’s great gift of empathy

Our God is a God of love and compassion. The ability to empathise with and experience the same emotions that someone else is feeling is a gift from God and a reflection of the nature of Jesus, because God sees and knows everything that is in a person’s heart on a most intimate level. He allows us to feel what others feel so that we can encourage and speak into one another’s lives in ways that represent the heart of God for them. This is also how emotional connections, meaningful conversations and relationships develop.

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 分享神伟大的同情心 | 繁體中文 > 分享神偉大的同情心)

 

Exodus 34:6 NIV  And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness,

Romans 12:10,15-16 ESV  Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.

Some points about the gift of empathy

Everyone has been given the ability to empathise with others through an area of our brains that God has given us called the anterior insular cortex. This insular cortex gives us the ability to see the world through other people’s perspectives and feel what they are feeling, as if their emotions were our own. Sometimes, experiencing empathy is all someone needs to get back on their feet, because they feel seen, heard or understood. Empathy can be powerful when used in a godly way.

1 Peter 3:8 ESV  Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.

Those with the gift of empathy, mercy, or compassion, on the other hand, have an XL-sized capacity from God to feel. Figuratively speaking, it is as if we have been given two vessels in our hearts – one for our own feelings and another to feel the emotions of other people.

This allows us to empathise with others without becoming overwhelmed – if we use our gift correctly. Every good gift is from God, who is Spirit, and it is the Holy Spirit who will lovingly guide us on how to use this precious gift.

But as with all spiritual gifts, empathy must be used in humility and love for others and subject to the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Otherwise, we may misuse or abuse this gift even if we don’t have the intention to.

Philippians 2:3 ESV  Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Sometimes, we may have a heightened sense of empathy because we grew up in frightening circumstances where we had to “feel” and pre-empt the dangers in our environments in order to survive. This form of “empathy” may be helpful in certain scenarios, but it can become debilitating in the long run if it is based on ongoing fear, mistrust, and suspicion.

Using empathy in a Christ-like way requires us to set aside our own ways and pick up the ways of Christ. It is truly an act of humility, self-sacrifice, patience, and kindness to enter another person’s perspective, because no two people are alike. We bear another person’s burden out of a love for Jesus and for people He created in His image. 

Galatians 6:2 ESV  Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Hence, we need to be careful not to place judgements on what we sense because no one has a full understanding of another person’s heart. Only God has that power. We can only feel someone’s emotions at a certain point in time and not have insight into the full story; the why, how long, and what’s next for them.

No matter how small or bizarre someone’s issues or feelings may look to us, everyone’s pain, shame, self-condemnation, and struggle are very real to them. If we are not careful, Satan will tempt us to judge them or impatiently sweep their emotions to one side and give them advice to “pray more,” “try harder,” “count your blessings,” or “just move on” – thereby deepening the sense of disconnection they already feel. We can come across as uncaring and ungracious, even though that is not our intention.

Another aspect of this gift is that it is often tied with the spiritual gift of discernment of evil spirits. The Bible lists several evil spirits that are responsible for inciting or aggravating emotions that lead people to sin or hopelessness.

• Spirit of fear | 2 Timothy 1:7 ESV for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
• Spirit of jealousy | Numbers 5:14 ESV and if the spirit of jealousy comes over him and he is jealous of his wife who has defiled herself, or if the spirit of jealousy comes over him and he is jealous of his wife, though she has not defiled herself,
• Spirit of despair | Isaiah 61:3 NIV … to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair…

The gift of empathy is also a revelatory gift because we perceive things that are in the unseen. We may be able to discern that someone may be under demonic bondage — particularly for those who struggle with severe depression, hopelessness, or thoughts of suicide. This takes a word of knowledge and revelation from the Holy Spirit because not every person’s feelings are linked to demonic oppression, but simply be tied to their current and fleeting circumstances.

John 14:26-27 ESV  But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. 

1 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV  For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another the utterance of knowledge according to the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit,  to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another the interpretation of tongues.

Ways that empathy becomes corrupted or misused 

We all have the great privilege of being tutored by the Holy Spirit in using any gift that He has given us. When we don’t go to the Lord, however, our human fleshly instincts can get in the way. 

Moreover, evil spirits will try to corrupt this gift and use it for destruction instead. We all have an enemy that only comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Evil spirits will capitalise on our lack of emotional self-awareness or discipline to provoke us to sin with our words, attitudes or actions simply by stirring up strong emotions inside us.

1. Rejection | We reject this gift because we don’t understand it or perhaps those around us have rejected us because of it. Therefore, we can reject the gift or even judge God for giving us the gift.
2. Inwardly focused | We use empathy to overly empathise for ourselves, and fall into self pity.
3. Manipulation | We use our ability to feel other people’s feelings and try to manoeuvre them into doing what we want them to do, rather than urge them to go to God about their feelings.
4. Codependency | We unwittingly form codependent relationships because we can tell other people how they feel. They begin to rely on us, rather than on God.
5. Judgement and condemnation | When we can sense what someone else is feeling, we can judge them for the ways they try to cope on the outside that are untrue to their true feelings inside. We judge and condemn them for being hypocritical, without seeking to know how God feels about them.
6. Self-protection | We use our gift to get a sense of what’s happening around us. We allow our feelings about our environment to guide us rather than rely on the Holy Spirit.
7. Storage | We do not release all the emotions we feel from others to the Lord, and end up storing such anxieties in the body. This can severely affect our health.
8. Neglect self-care | Sometimes, our empathetic selves can end up feeling for and caring about others so much that we neglect our own emotional needs. This too, is unhealthy.

Also, see Compassion can be misdirected against difficult people.

When someone is “in a dark hole”, there is also the danger that we can get dragged down with them if we try to pull them out with our own strength. It is Jesus who lifts people out of their distress. The best we can do for them (and for ourselves) is to encourage them to turn to Jesus, their perfect Saviour. Otherwise, we will become overwhelmed by the weight of the burdens that are meant for Jesus.

Just as we enter the darkness that people are suffering to encourage them to look at Jesus, we also need to exit and “dis-engage” emotionally and spiritually afterwards. Otherwise, we may remain tied to their darkness instead of God’s marvellous light.

2 Corinthians 6:14 ESV  Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

 1 John 1:5 ESV  This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.

Also, see Helping emotionally draining people

Asking God for wisdom 

Every spiritual gift is meant to work in conjunction and in unity with other believers to build up the body of Christ. If we choose to present our gift of empathy for God’s use this way, we can witness the Holy Spirit do amazing things through us.

Those of us with this gift of empathy need to develop a close and intimate relationship with God, and know His heart and character, so that we can accurately represent His love for others in a way that is Christ-centred and not self-centred.

When we pick up on emotions that are not our own, our first response should be to ask the Holy Spirit:

• Whose feelings are these, Lord?
• What would you like me to do, and when? Do I reach out to him or her? Or do I just pray and intercede for their needs?
• What are the words of knowledge that You will put in my mouth for this person or persons?

Moving in our gift of empathy takes faith because it requires us to listen to God and follow His instructions rather than to follow our own instincts.

After we have obeyed the Lord’s instructions, we may find that the empathetic feelings that we feel will dissipate as we have fulfilled our “assignment”. We may also witness how people can be so touched, encouraged, and comforted, if we get a chance to bring them a word of knowledge from the Lord, based on the feelings that we have felt for them. For instance, we may ask them, “Are you feeling afraid? Please know that the Lord will never forsake you.”

If we find that the emotions still linger, we may need to ask the Lord why they are still there.

Healing and deliverance is needed for everyone

The gift of empathy operates best out of a pure and cleansed heart. Unresolved bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment in our hearts will quench the Holy Spirit, leading us to rely more on our fleshly instincts than on the Lord. We may even project our own bitterness, judgements and resentments onto others! Also, see The importance of emotional healing  

Another crucial aspect is to renounce all our past involvement with witchcraft and idol worship, as well as that of our family’s so that demonic spirits do not gain a foothold to torment us through our emotions and therefore, colour our perspectives.

Below is a testimony and sharing from someone who discovered she had the gift of empathy as she began the process of sanctification; of repenting before God and being renewed through the work of the Holy Spirit on her heart.

Cassandra (not her real name) comes from a family that was deeply involved in the occult. She also suffered a lot of emotional distress growing up, coupled with verbal abuse and unwarranted and sometimes, violent punishment. As a result, she became very afraid of her own emotions and felt overwhelmed by her spiritual gift.

Here, Cassandra shares some things she learnt along the way as God gently renewed her mind, heart, and soul to bless those with a similar gifting.

Cassandra’s story and counsel

“Empathising with others is a good gift that God designed to be used to bless others.

Romans 12: 15 NIV  Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

Galatians 6:2 NIV  Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.

But people who, like me, are healing from past trauma or wounds have many things to relearn before they can use this gift the way God wants them to. God’s wisdom is especially important when we exercise our spiritual gifts.

People with the gift of empathy may still struggle with their emotions after they begin their journeys of renewal. Those with past occult ties or deep hurts can feel confused at first. They may be unable to distinguish between the emotions emanating from their own hearts and the empathy they feel for people around them, partly because spiritual and emotional boundaries that should have remained closed were opened up.

Jesus tells us that His burden is easy, and His yoke is light. There are times when we will feel heavy or sad because we are walking with others through a difficult season. But if we are yoked to Jesus, empathising with others will not feel like an anvil around our neck. When we serve God in God’s ways, the tasks He gives us do become light.

Matthew 11:28-30 NIV  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

But when we use the gift of empathy in wrong ways or with wrong motivations, these unhealthy habits can become “normal” or part of our subconscious. We may not even realise what we’re doing, which is why it is very important to walk closely with the Holy Spirit.

Proverbs 16:2 NIV  All the ways of a man are clean in his own sight, but the Lord weighs the motives.

1 Corinthians 4:5 NIV  Therefore do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts; and then each man’s praise will come to him from God.

Here are a few things that I have learnt that we can do in our walk with God:

1. Repent for using God’s gifts in wrong ways or with wrong motivations

We can repent for trying to protect others, protect ourselves, or make others love us by trying to “sense” how they are feeling. Some of us learned to connect to others and their emotions out of fear. We may have wanted to avoid triggering another person’s anger, sadness, or judgment. At the time, we thought it was the best, the easiest, or even the only solution. We may have thought to ourselves, “If I know mom is sad, I can try to make her happier,” or “If I can tell that dad is in a bad mood, I can avoid him or do things to prevent him from becoming angry.”

Some of us learned to connect to others and their emotions out of love, but also out of ignorance. We tried to sense others’ emotions because we thought it was the best way to love them, or because we wanted them to love us: “If I give them what they want, they will love me,” or “If mom or dad is happy with me, they will like me more.” But when we did so, we acted out of our own strength and limited knowledge in order to protect ourselves or to meet our own needs. Even though we wanted to achieve good outcomes, this way of using the gift of empathy is manipulative.

In contrast, God’s ways are by invitation; He is always gentle and respectful. Consequently, we need to be gentle and respectful when we relate to others as well.

Revelation 3:20 NIV  Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

Ephesians 4:2 NIV  Be completely humble; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

For those who now earnestly seek the Lord and walk with Him, we need to leave behind the old ways of trying to manipulate or trick others into giving us either love, time, attention, or even information.

More importantly, we need to learn the new habit of asking God to give us what we need.

If we have used the gift of empathy in wrong ways or out of wrong motivations, we can repent and submit this gift to Him. Ask God to help us develop new ways of using this gift in obedience to the Holy Spirit’s promptings, and He will use this gift to bless others.

2. Recognise that our emotions are not meant to be turned on or off at our own will

When we feel overwhelmed by emotions, it can be tempting to “shut things off.” In times of trauma or emergency, that may be the right thing to do. Some of us may experience this as putting up a wall or “retreating” into a cave in order to feel safe.

Some shut off their emotions and turn to coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, food, television, social media, romantic relationships, gossip, or even sitting in a chair and “worrying.” Some of our coping mechanisms can also look good on the outside, such as serving at church or “problem solving.”

But anything that distracts us from asking God for help is damaging. Weariness can be a sign that we have returned to our old ways of striving. Ask God to show you if your fatigue is the result of relying on your own strength and knowledge.

In the long run, repressing our emotions results in blocking ourselves from God, from others, and even from our true selves.

We can pray in these ways:

• Repent for blocking off our emotions
• Ask God to take down the walls we have put up
• Ask God to protect us
• Ask God to set up healthy spiritual and emotional boundaries in our lives
• Ask God to teach us how to relate to others in respectful and holy ways

This process may take time because the temptation to run to your flesh and old ways of protection is strong. Like any habit, it will take time to unlearn and relearn.

If God made us to connect strongly in an emotional way, we can think of this as an opportunity to connect strongly to God first. When we are yoked closely to Father God, He will teach us how to use the gift of empathy.

Being yoked to God means praying, reading the Bible, and listening to sermons or godly teachings. It also means resting in God’s presence and being aware of Him, moment to moment. You may need to practice this in community and when you are alone.

3. Grow in discernment with the Holy Spirit’s help

Whose emotions do you tend to pick up most frequently? Is there a pattern? Ask the Holy Spirit to show you.

We often sense overwhelming heaviness or sadness from others if we have similar wounds or occult ties ourselves. As we ourselves are healed and restored, we will be less likely to become bogged down by what we sense in others.

God can use the gift of empathy to show us how to pray for others, and sometimes, how to encourage others. When we are restored, He can use the gift in a free, light, and joyful manner.

We can ask the Holy Spirit to show us:

• If we ourselves need healing
• If He wants us to pray for others, and cast their burdens to Him
• If He wants us to speak to others, and if so, what He wants us to say, and how we are to say it

Jesus is our good Shepherd in our journey of renewal and restoration; we can trust Him to show us where we need to go. Be careful to remain humble as you exercise your gifts. Spiritual gifts are meant to edify and build up others, and not for our own glory or satisfaction.

The temptation for those with the gift of empathy is to become focused on using this gift in ministry. But while this is a worthy goal, if we are not submitted to Christ, we will find ourselves drained and unhappy.

Compassion for others was never meant to be our god. Instead, we are to pursue the Father. When we are restored to right relationship with Him as our King, we will find everything we ever wanted.

Matthew 6:33 ESV  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Final encouragements  

In the past, I did wish for this gift to go away and the thought still crosses my mind sometimes. But in my heart, I know that it is foolish to reject any gift God has given us. I have suffered from insomnia, nightmares, heaviness, fatigue, anxiety, and sadness. Many of those emotions were my own, especially in the first two or three years of my journey.

But it also did feel like punishment to me when I seemed to have no choice but to suffer along others when they had insomnia, occult ties, anxiety, fatigue, etc. I felt confused and even told God that I didn’t know how I can serve Him if it feels so bad.

I kept going and did not turn back only because others went through emotional or even physical hardship so that I could get my healing and freedom.

God slowly revealed the occult ties in me and my family over what seemed to be a long period of time to me.

As those occult ties were lifted, it became easier and easier for me to discern the emotions that are coming from someone God has asked me to care about for a time. It also became very easy for me to note the emotion and then give it up completely to Jesus to carry.

When I was finally able to “cast all burdens to Him,” I felt joy. I am now able to relax and rest in the knowledge that the battle is truly the Lord’s. He is the one who truly knows how another feels, not me. He is the one who carries their burdens, not me. He is the one who loves best and knows best.

I still do not understand everything about this gift. From time to time, I still suffer from insomnia and it is an act of the will to rest and trust Him. But I have seen that He uses this gift as an alert, to show me when I am in need of healing myself. He uses this gift to show me how to pray for others and why I need to be patient with them. He uses this gift to teach me to wait and watch Him at work.

As someone who worshipped competence, efficiency, “being responsible,” “figuring things out” and “fixing” things, I would not have chosen this gift for myself in a million years. But He has His reasons, and I am learning to follow Him even when I do not see clearly myself.”

May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and submit your gift of empathy to the Lord to use for His glory.