The subconscious ways we deceive ourselves
Self-deception is a self-consoling and self-elevating mechanism that helps us feel better when we find the truth uncomfortable, distressing, or painful in comparison. Self-deceit may play out like a mind game but it is actually emotionally driven. The Bible describes this as a “mind set on the flesh.” To think that we may be living under lies or deception can be troubling. But no one is immune to self-deceit. This is why we all need to seek the Holy Spirit for the truth in our hearts so that we can be set free from all sorts of fear and other worldly bondages. After all, Jesus has told us that the truth will set us free. This freedom will enable us to experience greater depths of His love and presence like we cannot imagine.
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 潜意识的自欺 | 繁體中文 > 潛意識的自欺)
Romans 8:6-9 ESV For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him.
John 8:31-32 ESV So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, 32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Self-deception is often a response to truths that we find distressing or painful. To avoid emotions we find overwhelming, we then turn to unhealthy ways of consoling or elevating ourselves to make ourselves feel better.
One example is when we have been hurt by other people. Our initial instinct may be to become angry, defensive, and self-righteous, rendering it impossible to think clearly or objectively. Rather than go to the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth, for His counsel and guidance on our thoughts and our emotions, we prefer to paint reality in a way that best suits the picture that we want to see or the story we want to hear. We fall into condemning the other party and justifying ourselves because it makes us feel better, even though we do the very same things to other people too.
John 16:13 ESV When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.
As we do this repeatedly over time, it forms a hardened habit of self-deceit and a heart that Jesus called “an abomination in the sight of God.”
Jeremiah 17:9 ESV The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Luke 16:15 ESV And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God.
Spotting self-deceit
The challenge of spotting self-deceit is that it comes out of a desire to protect ourselves. It can be so ingrained in our subconscious instincts that we don’t even notice when we are doing it.
One way to spot self-deceit might be to pay attention to what we do when we feel shame, sadness, fear or anger. Do we have a tendency to ignore or shut down our emotion? Do we try to convince ourselves that we “are better than others,” “are doing fine,” “have nothing to worry about,” “can handle it on my own,” “don’t need any help” and “don’t need to involve other people or seek help.”
Our emotions are actually signals that God uses to alert us to unresolved issues deep in our hearts. By covering them up, we will “harden our hearts” to the truth. We can end up “turning away from the living God.”
Hebrews 3:12-13 NLT Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters. Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God. You must warn each other every day, while it is still “today,” so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.
The Bible gives us a number of helpful ways to test for self-deceit.
We can deceive ourselves into thinking that we are:
- Wise | 1 Corinthians 3:18-19 ESV Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is folly with God. For it is written, “He catches the wise in their craftiness,”
- Sinless | 1 John 1:8 ESV If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
- Superior to others (morally, intellectually, socially, financially etc.) | Galatians 6:3 NLT If you think you are too important to help someone, you are only fooling yourself. You are not that important.
- Able to get away with not obeying God’s Word | James 1:22 ESV But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
- Able to escape the consequences of our sins and not reap what we sow | Galatians 6:7 ESV Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
- Can say whatever we want | James 1:26 NLT If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.
Any one of these thought patterns (i.e. assuming we are wise, righteous, sinless, important or above reproach) leads to pride, which God hates. God can help us if we are self-deceived but are willing to humble listen and obey His commands. He cannot help anyone whose heart is prideful, self-defending, and unwilling to yield.
Proverbs 16:5 ESV Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished.
Jesus calls all His disciples to remain faithful to His teachings, because it is His truth that will set us free from our self-deceit. God’s Word is described as a double-edged sword that pierces our hearts and exposes our innermost desires – so that we can eliminate our sinful attitudes. Unfortunately, most of us will instinctively avoid such “spiritual surgery” out of the ingrained tendency to self-protect.
John 8:31-32 ESV So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Hebrews 4:12-13 ESV For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.
However, we need to recognise that self-deceit is a scheme that comes directly out of Satan’s playbook. The “father of lies” will try to convince us to satisfy our own subconscious fears and desires by our own fleshly ways.
John 8:44 ESV You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
We need to be careful that we don’t try to comfort ourselves or meet our own desires by our own strength. When we rely only on our own instincts or immediate emotional responses, we run the risk of giving the devil a foothold. To sin is to rely on ourselves, apart from God. Let us make time to submit to God’s discipline. He will correct us when we are wrong and teach us to do what is right, so we turn away from behaving as “children of the devil.”
2 Timothy 3:16 NLT All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right.
Facing up to the truth for the first time may feel awkward or even painful, but it is only when we can be honest with ourselves that we are able to experience God’s compassionate, merciful and lovingly correction, guidance, and healing. Over time, being truthful to ourselves becomes easier and easier, and more and more rewarding.
Psalm 103:8 NLT The LORD is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
We may believe we don’t hurt anyone by lying to ourselves but the truth is, we grieve the Holy Spirit with our self-deception.
Ephesians 4:30 NLT And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption.
Some ways we develop the habit of self-deceit
There are many possible roots of self-deception. Here are just a handful of examples to illustrate.
As you go through this list, please take this time to invite the Holy Spirit to show you which of these relate to your own experiences and ask Him to search your heart and lead you to the truth for your own life.
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1. Harsh punishments in childhood: Some of us grew up in harsh environments where innocent mistakes were severely punished. We may have felt that the adults would not listen to the truth or were unlikely to be fair. As a result, we learnt to lie in order to avoid trouble. Gradually, this habit of lying corrupted our hearts and we continue to lie, even to ourselves. |
God’s truth: God is nothing like the unforgiving and harsh adults we grew up with. We can go to Him with all our weaknesses, mistakes, and imperfections. He will not reject us or leave us, He will help us. God always chooses the best path for us, even if we may not understand His choices in the beginning. It is only when we reach the end of the path that we will understand His purpose. We can put down our fears and go to Him with all our needs and anxieties. 1 John 4:18 NLT Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. |
| 2. Generational patterns: Our parents live in their own self-delusional worlds. As their children, we simply followed their patterns without realising that we are self-deceived too. | God’s truth: Once we turn to God, we need to turn away from the earthly ways of our parents, and follow Jesus, the Way and the Truth. We need to stand up for the truth, even if it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar. It is the truth that will set us free. Self-deception leaves us trapped.
Luke 14:26-27 NLT “If you want to be my disciple, you must, by comparison, hate everyone else—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. John 14:6 ESV Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. |
| 3. Social or cultural pressures: Self-deceit can also come from feeling pressured to live up to certain worldly standards. This can come from an environment where we are punished for being our authentic selves, or not being taught the right way to be authentic. Or, we may live in a shame-based culture that has taught us to “save face.” Hence, we cope by masking unpleasant truths about ourselves. Gradually, we feel so familiar with the lies we tell ourselves that we begin to believe them. | God’s truth: Living with a mask can be a hollow existence. Every weakness and deficiency is an opportunity to experience God deeply as we offer ourselves to Him for His redemption and allow Him to transform us from strength to strength.
As believers, we need to turn our focus away from what this world says we ought to be, and learn more about who God says we are to Him based on His Word. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 ESV But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. |
| 4. Jealousy: We all aspire to certain ideals and goals. When we don’t attain them, we can start to envy other people and tell ourselves a series of lies to soothe our inner frustrations. | God’s truth: No one has the ability to imagine what good things God has prepared for us. Instead, this world constantly tempts us to envy what others have. Jealousy turns other people into our idols, and blinds us to the blessings we have been given through Christ.
We need to break out of the lies we tell ourselves about who we are, in order to experience who we truly are destined to become as followers of Jesus Christ. Also, see Overcoming jealousy for good 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 ESV But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”— these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. 1 Corinthians 3:3 ESV For you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way? |
| 5. Conflict avoidance: Many of us have never been taught how to deal with conflict graciously and therefore, prefer to lie about what we truly want or feel. | God’s truth: Conflicts are inevitable in life. They often present opportunities for deeper mutual understanding as we learn to communicate our desires and feelings in respectful, patient but firm ways. When we lie about our feelings and desires, no one gets to know who we truly are. Conflict avoidance drives emotional disconnection.
No one has the wisdom to deal with all types of conflict but praise God that as believers, we have the Holy Spirit to guide us on what to say when we go to Him for help. God is generous with His wisdom. We simply need to ask. Luke 12:11-12 NLT … don’t worry about how to defend yourself or what to say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what needs to be said.” James 1:5 NLT If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. |
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6. Self-defence: We can develop a tendency to react self-defensively if we have felt trapped under constant condemnations or injustices in the past. Such experiences can lead us to falsely believe we are morally superior. We even attack other people even if they have no intention to harm us. |
God’s truth: Self-defence and self-righteousness does not actually make any situation or person better, it only gives us a false sense of security. Before assuming it is always someone else’s fault, it is useful to ask ourselves if there’s something we need to learn from others or the situation, because there is usually something good that we can take away from unpleasant circumstances. If we have difficulty receiving correction from others, it may be a sign that there is a wall of pride and self-righteousness around our hearts. True righteousness is not based on what we do, but what Jesus has done. Rather than defend or elevate ourselves before people, we ought to humble ourselves before God and seek to become more like Jesus. John 15:10-14 ESV If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love. These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. |
| 7. Avoiding emotional triggers: We may have experienced trauma or humiliation where we have learnt to cope by holding on to a different version of reality in an effort to “erase” our bad memories and the painful feelings they bring. We find ourselves instinctively reacting to any person or conversation that comes too close for comfort. | God’s truth: Creating an alternative reality may disguise the emotional discomfort that we feel, but it is a thin disguise. Our bodies and subconscious memories hold on to all our past traumas, until we confess them to God and grieve over them. Self-deceit blocks us from receiving God’s comfort and healing. He who created the foundation of the earth and stretched out the heavens is also immensely loving and tender. He has the power to refresh our spirits when we ask Him for His comfort.
Isaiah 51:12-13 ESV “I, I am he who comforts you; who are you that you are afraid of man who dies, of the son of man who is made like grass, and have forgotten the Lord, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, and you fear continually all the day because of the wrath of the oppressor… |
Turning away from our self-deceit
As we can see from the few examples above, self-deceit will always end up destroying our relationship with God. Such a tendency may have helped soothe our fears or hurt egos in the past, but now that we have turned to Jesus, we need to leave such ways behind for good and turn to God to meet our every need. We should no longer speak deceit to ourselves.
1 Peter 3:10 ESV For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit;
Instead, we can pause to pray and ask God:
- “Are there any ways I have been deluding myself?”
- “What do my uncomfortable feelings point to? Is there any unresolved pain or anxiety that I need to confess and receive biblical counselling for?”
- “Who has hurt me in the past, and who do I need to forgive?”
- “Have I judged and condemned them in any way? What sins have I committed against others?”
- “How else have I sinned against You?”
- “Is there anything I need to forgive myself for?”
- “Is there anyone I have hurt as a result of my self-deceit? Who do I need to ask for forgiveness from, and what relationships do I need to make right in Your eyes?”
- “Please point me to Your Word for the truth so I can memorise scripture and fight off Satan’s lies.”
- “Please convict my heart every time I turn away from obeying You and am tempted to fall back into deceiving myself again. Please teach me humility.”
Psalm 139:23-24 ESV Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
Testimony: Turning from using alcoholism to numb pain
“Because I felt rejected by my dad in the past, I still worshipped acceptance after I became a Christian. If I felt rejected by anyone at home, church or work, I would rebel or go out for a drink to escape. When in despair, I would get drunk to numb my heart. But the more I drank, the more lonely and empty I felt the next day.
I didn’t realise all this grieved God. I also wasn’t aware that the consequences of drunkenness are far more dangerous spiritually; I had opened myself to demonic influences. Some clubs have spiritual rituals and practice idol worship to attract more customers. One day, I noticed a gourd hanging at the entrance of a bar when I passed by. This is used in pagan rituals to ward off or capture spirits. Thank God for opening my eyes. I’m more conscious and aware of the demonic spirits in these places.
Inspired by the Holy Spirit, my mentor reminded me one day that my body is a precious gift from God, it is a holy temple for His Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). When I get drunk, it means I force God’s Spirit to participate in drunkenness with me too.
The thought alarmed me and convicted me to repent and not to get drunk and ruin God’s temple anymore. In my stubbornness and self-deceit, I kept rejecting God’s good plans and walked far away from Him. I turned to worldly entertainment (drinking) that I found more “exciting”.
I didn’t know that I had been deceived by Satan into rejecting God. I took advantage of God’s grace and expected that He would still forgive and cleanse me after I repent. The truth is I needed to purify my heart. My stubbornness should be used to resist Satan, not God. If I am stressed or in pain, I can also go to Jesus for comfort. Since then, I have not gone back to drinking.”
May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and seek the Holy Spirit for the truth in our hearts.