Jesus brings banker’s emotions back to life
L grew up with a lot of fear about disappointing her parents. As a result, she shut down all her vulnerable emotions and focused on performing up to other people’s expectations. Here is her testimony of how Jesus showed her that she is loved for who she is and that she need not be afraid to be herself. Praise God!
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 耶稣使银行家的情感复苏 | 繁體中文 > 耶穌使銀行家的情感復甦)
Everything seemed to be fine on the surface.
I have been baptised, serve in different ministries, study the Bible, and radiate joy. It was not until I experienced some disappointment that I knew I wasn’t really that fine. The pain I felt had such a big impact on me. I knew there were unhealed wounds that I needed to identify. So, I arranged to go through an inner healing and deliverance prayer.
After reviewing my inner healing and deliverance prayer form, my prayer counselor asked me if I was aware that there were actually two of me.
I was thinking, “What? Two of me? Does it mean I have a split personality or am bipolar?”
She explained that one of me was very “rational” and has been playing a dominant role. The other me was “emotional” who has been locked up. God wanted my heart but if I locked it away, He wouldn’t be able to help me. I needed to re-open my heart to my Heavenly Father.
When we went through the significant events in my life, we noticed that my heart had been wounded from childhood. Tears started pouring down as I admitted to all the self-accusations and condemnations I went through.
One example is my great grandmother’s death. During my pre-school years, my mom would drop me off at her place before she headed to work. My great grandmother would always rush to open her door for me as soon as she heard the elevator doors open. One day, she fell down as she rushed to the door. I don’t know what exactly happened but shortly afterward, she passed away. I felt that I had caused her death and accused myself of being a trouble maker and bringing problems to the family.
Another example is my parents’ high expectations of me. They always wanted me to perform well in school, just like my cousins. I recalled lots of yelling at home when I didn’t get good grades or didn’t behave according to my dad’s way. I felt so much shame that I didn’t meet their expectations despite trying very hard.
I was asked if I was ready to let the five-year-old me talk about my emotions.
With the Holy Spirit’s help, I became that little girl again and talked about how my parents and grandmother made me feel as if they were there in the same room where we were praying. Releasing my emotions was not easy. I had so much fear because I could still feel the fear I had of my dad at that age.
My prayer counselor suggested I ask Jesus to show me where He was when my dad was yelling at me. At that moment, I saw Jesus trying to protect me at the time. He was shielding me and blocking my dad from hitting me. This gave me much comfort.
I also realised that I had been stuffing my emotions into a “jar”.
Even though I felt hurt, angry or shamed, I would cover the jar up, pretending as if nothing happened. As we prayed, I saw Jesus with His hands wide open, welcoming me to pass that jar to Him. If I ever face any painful emotions in the future, I can talk to Jesus about them immediately and seek His comfort. From then onwards, I no longer hold onto that jar.
One other area we touched on was the inner judgments I had towards my cousins. As a child, I was compared with them a lot. Now, I compare our adult achievements.
To compensate for feeling put down as a child, I now told myself how much better I am doing than them.
I had to repent for this. They are also God’s children and I should not judge them by their performance. I was also reminded that Jesus is the only One I need to compare myself with and Jesus loves me no matter what.
Over the years, I made lots of inner vows such as “I have to be strong”, “I need to protect myself”, “I can’t show my vulnerability, otherwise other people will take advantage of me”, “I have to behave a certain way to play a certain role”, “I can’t let anyone hurt me anymore”, and “I need to be a peace-maker and avoid conflicts” etc.
These inner vows meant that I built walls around my heart and denied my emotions.
That day, I broke those inner vows in Jesus’ name. I also proclaimed that I follow Jesus and am His disciple, no longer deceived by Satan into following his lies.
There have also been a few things in my life that I have regretted. I was reminded that God doesn’t want me to keep looking back at my past. The time on this earth is very short compared to the eternal life I will have.
I had to cut off those regrets which kept hindering me and focus only on the hope I see in Jesus and the eternal life I will have.
I repented for not forgiving myself and believing in Satan’s lies that I now have to bear all the consequences of my unwise decisions, when Jesus came to redeem me and my mistakes for His glory. I also rebuked the spirit of fear (of failure) and cast my anxieties to the feet of Jesus.
1 Peter 5:6-10 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.
We also identified that I had submitted to my ex-boyfriend the same way I had submitted to my dad because of fear.
He was very dominating and had lots of demonic ties to the occult and spiritual masters. My relationship with my ex-boyfriend brought a lot of hurts. That day, I let out all my emotions about him and cut the emotional bondage to him in Jesus’ name. I also blessed him and released him to God’s will and favor.
After the prayer session, I felt much lighter and I can feel that God’s love is so real and tangible.
I welcome my emotional self back, even though that means I may go through more emotions ups and downs or feel others’ emotions. I am also able to remove the mask that has been weighing me down and distancing me from God and others.
Love means I am loved for who I am without any cover up.
I no longer need to pretend to be someone else or put up the best behavior in order to earn God’s love or human love. I am so grateful that God loves the “emotional” me because that involves my heart, and not just my performance.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”