Jesus helps faithful believer uproot lingering shame
C was always joyful, caring, and generous, a role model of God’s love to many. Yet she carried an inner sense of shame and guilt, in spite of surrendering all that she had to Jesus. During an unplanned time of prayer counselling, the Holy Spirit led C to the root of that shame and cleansed her as she forgave her parents for defiling her as an infant and child. Praise God!
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 耶稣帮助信徒根除挥之不去的耻辱 | 繁體中文 > 耶穌幫助信徒根除揮之不去的恥辱)
Have you known something for such a long time that you don’t notice it anymore?
There was a lingering shame and guilt I hid in the unknown parts of my heart.
I didn’t know why I felt shame and guilt. I had repented of everything I had done, I worked hard to serve God, I regularly reflected and broke unsettling soul ties with others… and yet I always felt apologetic.
I tried very hard to be good and pleasing until it was natural for me. Everyone who knows me would think of me as a vessel of joy and easygoingness.
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like I did. I felt stuck.
There was nothing that realistically held me back and yet I felt I wasn’t moving forward. There wasn’t anything visible so it wasn’t noticeable to anyone but me.
While things were “moving along” for work and ministry, I wasn’t moving forward in other areas – was this all there was to life? Why wasn’t there the fruit of marriage, of children, of overflowing providence, of freedom in my life?
There wasn’t anything else I could do. I had surrendered everything I was aware of to God, even my desires.
If this is the abundant life God in mind for me, then why did I feel so stuck, like I had an anchor pulling my heart back into a darkness? I couldn’t see where that anchor was from nor could I look ahead to see the light where I was meant to be heading towards.
How could I describe any of this to people… was I just being ungrateful for all God had already given to me?
And yet God showed me that He knew and He had been waiting to set me free.
“Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.” Psalm 139:4
Without preparation or even having verbalised any of this to myself, all this inner conflict surfaced while catching up with my prayer partner. I was frustrated. Why was I feeling this way? Haven’t I been set free already? I’ve been through two inner healing and deliverance prayers!
My prayer partner shared “Healing comes in stages. While you are healing, you are still vulnerable. God allows you to get stronger so the deeper work can be done.”
While we didn’t humanly prepare for this deeper work on my heart, God wasn’t caught unaware.
When I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what He wanted to work on – hidden memories from a very deep part of my heart began to surface.
Memories of deep childhood trauma of sexual abuse, manipulation, shame, fear, confusion, and abandonment. This led to a constant sense of disgust, hatred, rejection, resentment, desperation, and ultimately, to judgement and a whole list of inner vows.
When I was a little girl, my mum made me sleep in my dad’s bed, while she slept elsewhere.
At night, my dad would hold me and “dry hump” me. I knew this was not right but was always made to feel as if I was overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing. It finally stopped when I protested loudly at the age of 12 or 13 in disgust and frustration.
My prayer partner had initially seen an image of a little girl stomping her feet in protest. It was this image that led to this confession. I am still close to my dad and had never wanted to talk about these shameful things to anyone – not even my own siblings.
To my surprise, my prayer partner was then prompted by the Holy Spirit to ask me, “What was it like inside your mother’s womb?”
Somehow, something in me recoiled. I did not want to go back to those memories. It took me a few minutes to calm down and discipline myself to ask the Holy Spirit to show me. Feelings of shame, confusion, and disgust began to well up inside me. These were familiar feelings!
My parents had a very abusive relationship. As I waited on the Holy Spirit, I got a sense that my parents also had a lot of rough, loud, animalistic sex while I was inside my mum’s womb. I felt trapped and disgusted. I lost my innocence. (My mum had the longest labour before she delivered me. I had refused to be born.)
I had always felt dirty, self-conscious, and unworthy. Now I know why!
Up to this day, I still can’t talk about sex as an adult without cringing. From as far as I can remember, I had always despised my parents for “no reason”.
As a result of the trauma I experienced in the womb and as a little girl in my father’s bed, I made inner vows to take control, such as; “I will never be like my mum when I grow up”, “I won’t be as pathetic as my dad”, “I will never be a spinster”, “I will never depend on anyone for comfort”, “I will prove to others how successful I am”, and “I will be adored by others and loved by everyone.”
Without realising it, these vows controlled me to live a life that strived to be pleasing to everyone.
I had to always present myself well, to be territorial and fight for success, to be independent of others, be distractedly forlorn for being single… and always working so hard to not mess up and to be as good as possible.
And being perfect is literally impossible and because I fell short, I judged myself cruelly. The same judgement I had on others, I judged myself even more critically.
This is why I was stuck. I had anchored myself on these vows – and not on the freedom that God has given you and me.
The freedom of not having to strive and instead to “Trust in the the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
The freedom of not having to be perfect and know that even when things are messed up, “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his glory.” Isaiah 61:3
The freedom of forgiveness and being forgiven “For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” Matthew 6:14
God waited to touch this part of my heart with tenderness and love, a part of my heart that I never dared to look at.
God was with me the whole time. He held onto me and never left me, He never cast me aside. He was always tender to me, especially with all this pain. Neither did He hold me back; He wanted me to be free and always helped me to grow until He knew it was time and that I was ready to revisit my pre-natal trauma.
I was finally so ready to lay it all down… to repent for the judgement, the vows, the self-idolatry, the hatred and contempt, and to forgive my parents, lay down those dark memories and release all of it to Abba Father.
As a child, I pleaded to God many times to rescue me.
I learned to recite Psalm 91 by heart. It’s a beautiful Psalm that tells of God as our refuge, our hiding place, our God who powerfully shields and protects us against all harm. (If you haven’t read it, please do – it’s a promise of the safety and security we have in our Abba Father.)
But I didn’t understand how this all happened to me even when I used to recite Psalm 91 in desperation and pleading as a child.
It was then revealed to me that day that God also said in Psalm 91:14 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him, I will protect him because he knows my name.”
In all of those situations, I recited it like a chant and I didn’t love or truly acknowledge God as God in any of those situations.
That day, I finally allowed God to be God and this freed me to be me. I finally am free and do not feel stained or feel any lingering shame shadowing me.
“Let us be glad and rejoice, and let us give honour to him. For the time has come for the wedding feast of the Lamb, and his bride has prepared herself. She has been given the finishes of pure white linen to wear. For the fine linen represents the good deeds of God’s holy people.” Revelation 19:7-8