Jesus reminds seer to give Him her burdens
E grew up with a single mother who worked hard to raise her. As a result, she felt obligated to appease and please her only parent. This, however, led to inner frustrations that got projected onto her Heavenly Father. She began to question her very existence and spiritual gifts. Through an inner healing and deliverance prayer, the Holy Spirit showed E God’s never-ending love for her and that she should give all her burdens to Him. Praise God!
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 耶稣提醒先知把重担交给祂 | 繁體中文 > 耶穌提醒先知把重擔交給祂)
I knew about God or a “higher power” since my pre-school days.
It wasn’t until high school that I really decided to follow Him for the rest of my life and got baptised at 16. This is where my journey with God started and where I started to serve at church.
My parents got divorced when I was around one to two years old. I don’t have much recollection of my dad at all. After my dad left, my mum became quite depressed and insecure. She generally has a negative outlook on life.
My mum raised me singlehandedly and worked very hard to provide for me. She strove to send me to the best school she could afford. This was her way of loving me – the way she knew how to. While she was away working, it was my grandma who took care of me.
As a result of this set-up at home, I was forced to grow up quickly to take care of myself.
I learned to receive love by performing ‘good’ deeds, such as “study hard”, “be good” and “do the right thing,” to cause less trouble, particularly for my mum.
Love became dependent on deeds. I figured that the more ‘good’ deeds I do, the more ‘secure’ it would be for mum, and thus, the more I would feel loved. I felt that I could not let her down as she had suffered so much and worked so hard to provide for me.
While I did not enjoy relating to my mum this way, I somehow felt obliged to because of how she felt.
Growing up, I was always described as “bubbly”, “happy”, “cheerful” and a “beautiful girl”. It was, however, only a coping mechanism I developed to protect myself from the hurt when I clashed with my mother.
Deep down, I didn’t feel any joy.
Looking joyful outwardly protected me from being known and, therefore, feeling embarrassed because of my clashes with my mum.
Instead, I felt unlovable and built a wall around my heart. I vowed to not let anyone get too close to me (including romantically) in order to protect myself from the hurt of abandonment (as a result of my father wound). I also never felt good enough (a consequence of my mother wound).
At one point, I didn’t want to be on this earth any longer because it was just all too much to handle and a lot of burdens to carry. I felt that God could have created someone else better who was not me. Why me?
Through church, I tried to find solutions for the way I felt.
I went through inner healing courses, but it seemed that these only partially addressed my father and mother wounds. They didn’t address the void of me feeling ‘unlovable’.
Fast forward to 2016, I went to Mozambique for mission school. I went because I loved Africa as a continent – particularly the animals and people. Africa has always been on my heart as my happy place, as I felt like I can be myself there.
It was in the mission school that I had an unforgettable encounter with Jesus, where God showed me His love and healed me of my father’s wounds overnight. I felt Him there and He just loved on me.
It was then that I realised that “God is the only One that can love me more in one moment than anyone can in my lifetime.”
I came back from Africa feeling happier, but I was soon in pain with all the burdens at home hitting me once again. My perception of God as a Father was still distorted, and the feelings of being ‘unlovable’ came back.
I knew in my head that He loves me a lot, that I was His daughter, and I am loved, but my heart thought otherwise. In my heart, I still projected my earthly father onto God; that He was far away, He wouldn’t understand me, that I would be a burden if I complained and vented so much, and that He had other things that are more important than me to tend to.
Five years later, I got married. I was quickly told that I have a rather strange habit at night, that is I tend to sleep talk every other night. This came as a surprise to me, as I never knew I sleep talk. As my husband revealed more to me, it came to my attention that some of this sleep talking can be quite vicious.
Through conversations with friends, I felt God lead me to take the Love the Lord course and to do an inner healing and deliverance prayer. I assumed that it would just be like the rest of my inner healing sessions, where I would be required to fill in more information about my family and my ancestors. But that was not the case at all. Instead, the prayer session led me to an understanding of where God is in the bigger scheme of things.
Throughout the prayer session, it was the Holy Spirit who led everything. He brought back a lot of memories from when I was conceived and my childhood.
The Holy Spirit also revealed things about my family bloodline, that because my ancestors had shed a lot of blood and worshipped the devil, there was a curse running through my family of violence and brokenness.
I confessed my family’s sins and I repented for my own. I asked God to forgive me for secretly judging others, my family, and especially, my mum. I was led to forgive and bless them.
I thought that would be the end of the prayer session, but I was wrong.
The Holy Spirit revealed that the last person that I needed to forgive was myself.
He showed me that I didn’t love myself, or that I was unable to love myself, including my body.
I didn’t understand that I could bring my burdens to God first, instead of trying to fix them on my own. My flawed understanding of His love was all about trying to do things to earn His love. In my eyes, His love for me was purely based on performance. God showed me this is not His love.
Love is being able to collapse into God’s arms, to just be there, and for Him to hold me and love on me as a child.
He showed me how tired I was of performing and pretending to be happy. I had been subconsciously judging myself for not being good enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, not loving enough, and not being able to say “no”.
I learned that my feeling of “life is tough” is because I felt obligated to take care of my mum and her feelings – and everything else in between.
However, through inner healing and deliverance prayer, the Holy Spirit revealed that I am not responsible for her or her happiness, because only God can solve my mum’s problems and help her. By revealing that to me, it freed me from the prison that “I am responsible for every unfortunate thing” that happened to my mum.
It was also revealed to me that God has given me a beautiful heart to care for and empathise with others.
Because of this gift of compassion, I had taken on my mum’s burdens as my own when they belonged to Jesus. Instead, I need to learn how to be a child again and give all my burdens back to Him.
That day, I also repented of wishing to die and rejecting God’s gifts for me.
To rewind a little bit, I have a gift that I rarely tell anyone. From a very young age, I could see spirits and can converse with them (angels and demons). I learned to live with them and paid little attention to them.
The whole concept changed when I was once on another mission trip in Asia where I experienced a very severe spiritual attack. The whole ordeal lasted about seven hours. I got really tired and thought, “I should just let Satan take me because I’m just too tired to fight him off.”
As soon as I said that, I felt that my heart was beating slower. That was when I saw the gates of hell open up.
It was a scary scene where I felt the incredible heat and heard a somber sound coming out from the gates of hell. I saw Satan and he said, “this is the one that I want”. I saw everything that was going on in hell and the pain of what was going on with the people there.
I felt scared but couldn’t do anything, but I was reminded to not rely on my strength, but His. I somehow mustered the faith and called on Jesus’ mighty name “Lord, help me.”
Immediately, I felt a strong Hand intervening and pick me back up. He told Satan, “This is MY daughter, not yours.” God rescued me from hell and I felt safe, loved, and joyful when I was in His Hands.
Soon after, I was pulled up to the gates of heaven where I saw a bright light and angels singing. I also saw Jesus.
I then asked God this question “Am I dead? Where am I?” To which God responded, “My beloved child, you’re in heaven”.
I felt a warm fuzzy feeling of pure love and happiness all around and I was ready to stay there forever. Just when I had that thought, God said to me “You have to go back, your journey and mission are not finished yet. There are still many great things I want you to do in My name.”
God then gently pushed me back and I woke up. I saw my friends around me and they told me what happened.
A mark of a “cross” also appeared on my foot and it was there for about two months.
After this experience, I kept asking God, “Why I was given this gift (seer) and why did I have go through the hell-heaven experience?” Through my inner healing and deliverance prayer, my question was finally answered, it was one I had asked and waited to be answered. I think God was trying to show me that the ability to see spirits is a gift, not a curse.
While my forefathers’ devil worship had invited the enemy’s presence into our family (hence Satan calling me ‘his girl’), God showed me that the scene of hell isn’t where I belong.
God is constantly around me and will protect me from Satan and evil spirits.
Those gifts that the enemy had meant for evil, God has turned it for good (Genesis 50:20). Most importantly, Jesus went through what I went through, He too had gone down to hell (for much longer, for three days.) Because He calls me His friend (John 15:15), He allowed me to experience what He went through, so that I could understand His heart.
Genesis 50:20 ESV As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.
John 15:15 ESV No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.
Through this journey, I finally understood His heart for me and that I am indeed a lovable person and that He values me, that I am not a curse to my mother and my gifts are not a curse either.
My burden has felt a lot lighter since. The sleep talking has stopped. I feel free because I know that I can lay any burden I carry down at the feet of Jesus.
This is, of course, is an ongoing journey and it is something I need to remind myself of every day. I am thankful for God and His patience towards me.