Jesus reveals roots of anger to student
M felt disconnected from God, in spite of praying and attending different Christian courses. Finally, she sought the Holy Spirit’s counsel through a time of prayer and confession, where God revealed some forgotten but painful memories that led her to hold on to anger and resentment. M received indescribable joy from the Holy Spirit once she started repenting to God in Jesus’ name. Praise God!
(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 耶稣向大学生显明她愤怒的根源 | 繁體中文 > 耶穌向大學生顯明她憤怒的根源)
There was always a part of me that felt like it was falling endlessly into a rabbit hole.
I used to pray to God, “I want to be closer to You, but how?’ The answer was always, “read the Bible.” I wanted to study the Bible and meditate on its verses, but I kept procrastinating. Even when I gave myself the space to enjoy a getaway with God, I found that reading His Words did not touch my heart, or I should say, my heart and ears were not softened enough to listen.
The closer I was drawn to follow God, the more spiritual attacks and battles I experienced. I felt I did not have the armour of God on me.
Ephesians 6:10-11 ESV Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.
I felt incomplete, and knew it was because of my rebellion against my Heavenly Father. I called myself a Christian and yet I would judge, blame, curse, and hate on others. I disobeyed His authority and refused to obey His Truths. I consciously reminded myself to seek God but I always ended up subconsciously feeling guilty, ashamed, and unscrupulous for not doing what ought to be done.
And why was I always angry?
Most importantly, why were the subjects of my anger always my dad and my boyfriend? I have no problem when anyone else offends me. It is easy to brush it off my shoulders. But I would get angry when my dad says something insignificant like, “The acne on your face is huge.” I would get upset with my boyfriend when he remained silent during our conversations. It would turn into a monologue and I couldn’t stop whining about it.
Romans 2:8 explained, “but for those who are self-seeking and reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.” Because of many reasons, I had become a self-seeking person, subconsciously wanting to keep God at arm’s length, just to keep my sanity as a sinner.
This caused me to follow Satan without even knowing I have been on the devil’s express train to destruction.
In recent years, I joined many courses in order to know God. One of them was the Love the Lord course. With the help and prayers of mature Christian instructors there, God revealed the subconscious roots of my anger and frustrations from when I was very young. These memories were hidden because of stress and sorrow. God, in His grace and mercy, brought them back up again in order to answer my questions. Praise His omnipotence.
I love my parents very much and I always knew the feelings were mutual. My mom passed away during my early teens due to cancer. Both mom and dad declared Christ as their Saviour when she was very sick.
I was so proud of being my parents’ daughter. My friends would always speak of their jealousy of our close-knit family.
My parents made time for me, even if they were busy at work. My mom would deliberately take a day-off to pick me up from school and dad would always do sports with me, like hiking, cycling, or swimming … any outdoor sport, you name it! They were my role models in terms of who I wanted to become and what my future relationship would look like. Not surprisingly, my current boyfriend is quite similar to my dad and I am quite like my mother.
My dad was a very loving father who tried his best to care for and protect his family.
When my mom’s cancer was at its worst, dad worked from home in order to care for her with loving gentleness. He would carry mom to the toilet when she was too weak to walk. He would wear gloves and pull out my mother’s unfinished excrement. He would research and learn all the healthy recipes to cook for mom’s lunch and dinner. When he was having the flu, he would wear masks at home and pray hard for a speedy recovery.
After two and a half years, mom was gone and dad was lost.
For two months, dad would not come home until midnight. Later, he explained that he did not want to disturb me whilst I was having my public exams. Three months later, I was introduced to his girlfriend. Wait. What?
Not long after, she moved in together with us. All the decorations at home were changed. Some of my mom’s favourite things were removed. I felt betrayed and furious.
I would hate my dad for whatever he said.
I stayed at my grandma’s or slept over at other people’s houses, rather than spend one minute at home. I secretly cursed my dad and his girlfriend. A few times, I couldn’t hold it together and bombarded him with mean, hurtful words like, “you don’t love me,” “all you care about is yourself,” “you are terrible,” and “did you even love mom!”
During my meeting with a prayer counsellor, God showed me the sins my family and I have committed and the buried memories from childhood that had traumatised and affected me.
First, God reminded me of the idols that my family and I have worshipped.
I repented of bowing down to Guangong and Guanyin idols and paying respect to a multilevel Chinese pagoda at my parents’ home before they became Christians. I cut ungodly spiritual ties with the twelve golden idols of the Chinese zodiac animals which my grandma had given to me when I was twelve. The Holy Spirit also reminded me that my parents used to make me to wear a lion jade idol to boost my academic success.
I read horoscopes and believed that being a Sagittarius, I am “hot-tempered”. My self-image was based on idols, and I repented for buying into superstitions and horoscopes.
Then I recalled that I used to attend a Taoist primary school where I memorised Taoist scriptures for competitions. Up to today, I can recite Taoist scriptures easily but not Bible scripture. I was led to repent of and cut ties with Taoism.
As we continued to seek the Holy Spirit for His guidance, I was asked if I would be willing to repent of idolising my parents. I struggled with this suggestion.
I did not know there was a dark hole in my heart filled with deep hurts until I was led to look closer.
God brought me back to some painful memories from my past where I felt no one protected or comforted me when I needed it the most.
I was seven when a man toyed with his genital in front of me when I was on a bus with our domestic helper. He kept looking at me while he did it enjoyably. Around that same age, another stranger repeatedly touched my body as he buckled and re-buckled me on a bus.
Both times, my helper and I did not say anything until I could not bear it any longer and told my parents. Both times, they responded by asking me why I didn’t immediately ask for help. Now I look back, I now remember I was very hurt.
As a little girl, I felt accused, disappointed, and betrayed.
Years later, a man molested me when I was leaving the flower fair in Causeway Bay with my boyfriend. Now I was older, I shouted at the man in defence. When I told my boyfriend what had happened, he just stood there and said nothing, not knowing what to do. I felt the same familiar disappointment and betrayal.
After recalling my traumatic childhood memories on the bus, I was led to forgive the two men and cut ungodly soul ties with them.
God also revealed other memories. When I was little, my dad gave me his old phone for contact and I found a porn clip he accidentally left in it. I felt disgusted by the clip. More than that, I couldn’t believe my dad would do something like watch porn.
During that time, my parents would shower together. I was sitting in their room one day and saw my dad’s naked body reflected in the mirror. I was grossed out when I saw his private parts.
Subconsciously, my heart began to be hateful towards my dad.
I held grudges against him for about twenty years, even before my mother’s passing.
The prayer counsellor then received the word “Peacock” from the Holy Spirit about my mom. Yes, mom would always try to look pretty and smart. I adored how she looked, acted, and thought.
Ever since mom passed away, most memories about her have been good. At that point, I started to have other flashbacks. I remembered kneeling before my mom or in front of the wall and pulling my earlobes in punishment.
Another was a memory from God that I had totally forgotten.
I closed my eyes and saw the image of my parents using a hanger to punish me when they thought I had done something wrong. This began when I was five. I was scared and terrified.
Then I recalled another traumatic memory. My kindergarten teacher called my mom, accusing me of something I did not do. When we got home, mom said that I had lied and punished me. I felt betrayed because the person I trusted the most did not trust me back, and blamed me for something I truly did not do.
She also said she would cut my fingers off if I kept biting my nails. To a little girl attending kindergarten or primary school, such threats were shockingly distressful and crushing.
All those memories had been buried inside my heart alongside with my sorrow.
When these memories were visited once again, I felt both dull and sharp pains.
But this time, I saw that Jesus was crying, too. I was crying in a restaurant where my parents agreed that they will chop my fingers off, just to scare me. They were very serious when they said it. I was terrified by the fact that my parents would actually harm me. But when I saw that Jesus acknowledged my pain and struggle, I knew that I was literally not alone.
A part of me felt lifted because I realised my parents are not perfect. Only God is.
They could say something that hit me like a tornado without even realising it.
As a child, I was blind to my parent’s conditional love and flaws. I placed high hopes in them. Hence, when they did something that was less than perfect, I couldn’t accept it. Therefore, my subconscious chose to bury the memories.
When my prayer counsellor asked me again if I was ready to repent to God for idolising my parents, for wanting to be like mom, and for putting them above Him, I finally said yes.
In the beginning, I was reluctant about this idea. I had been living with this ‘goal’ to be like mom for almost 22 years. It felt difficult. But the more I thought about how God can be my true shelter and how reliable and integral He is, I said to God, “Lord, even though I don’t know how to really put down mom. I will lift this part of me to You. I believe You, my Father, will take care of this. When my parents hurt my feelings with what they said, even though not intentionally, You were there to protect and to love me.”
Then, my prayer turned from ‘I want to put down mom’ to ‘I put down mom in front of You, Jesus.’ Instantly, I felt a lot of joy after being able to declare that I would stop following mom.
We also discussed the life “commandments” from my parents that bound me until the day I renounced them.
My mom had told me that I must be successful and independent, look pretty, and marry a reliable and loving husband. My dad told me not to put my faith in people. He would say, “There is evil in everyone and people just want something from you. Don’t trust anyone so easily.” These commandments made it hard for me to follow God’s will. To please them, I made inner vows to be good and successful according to my parents’ standards, not God’s.
Praise God for His revelations. I can now see why I am who I am. Although a lot has been revealed, the hole in my heart is still present and I still struggle with following God’s commandments. I have been living with undealt grudges, unforgiveness, anger, and emotional wounds for a very long time and the gaping hole in my heart is only now starting to heal.
As I was writing this testimony, another memory kicked in. I remember that before the first day of my final examinations, my dad hugged me as I cried in his arms until I fell asleep.
It sweetened my heavy thoughts.
There’s still a sense of discomfort when I’m with my dad but I’m much more aware of this feeling and consciously turn to God often.
As for my Bible study, my ears are softer and my mind is brighter.
Recently, Satan attacked me by saying, “you can never please God, you can never be sinless” which made me feel hopeless. I condemned myself for a bit, and it took me a while to recognise that those thoughts were a spiritual attack. Then God gave me the words, “no more guilt”. He reminded me that our relationship is not built on guilt or shame, but His grace and love. I felt once more, how wonderful and peaceful it is to rely on God and study His words. With His grace and mercy, I’m getting back to the right path.