Forgiveness brings us new life

Jesus came to die for our sins and bring us the most wonderful gift of forgiveness so that we can reconciled with God. Everybody agrees that forgiving others is a good thing to do and many sincerely wish to practice it. However, it is natural to struggle with forgiving others, or perhaps think that we have forgiven someone but still privately hang on to some small grudge.

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 释放饶恕 | 繁體中文 > 釋放饒恕)

Forgiveness truly is a conscientious choice, but moving from a place of hurt and offence to a place of grace and peace in our hearts is not as easy as flicking an on-off switch. But both are needed – forgiveness at the intellectual and at the heart level.

The Bible calls us to have clean hands and pure hearts. Forgiveness on only an intellectual level is like having clean hands; in that we will not actively seek to harm the person we have chosen to forgive – but our hearts are still not clean in that we find it hard to move beyond that to where we can extend God’s grace and “love our enemies”.

Psalm 24:3-5 
Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord?
Who may stand in his holy place?
The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god.
They will receive blessing from the Lord 
and vindication from God their Savior.

A good test 

To test our hearts for any remnant of unforgiveness, we just have to imagine our reaction if we bump into the person we have forgiven. What would our instinctive reaction be like? Hesitation and stiffening up? Wanting to avoid that person? The temptation to make sarcastic remarks or say unkind things? A certain “sour’ feeling in our chest? …. Or a spontaneous, welcome reception?

Our response will make it clear if that there’s still some offence that has not been surrendered to God. It is also probably a good time to seek God and ask for His Holy Spirit to empower us to let go of all remaining offences.

What corrupts our views about forgiveness

There are many reasons why we are not “programmed” to extend full forgiveness to others.

1. Influence of upbringing 

If we grew up in an environment where people held grudges and family feuds are not reconciled, we may find it hard to understand forgiveness beyond an intellectual level, at a heart level, simply because we have not seen it in action. Or perhaps we grew up often being punished for our mistakes or failing to meet some expectations. Growing up in a ‘tit for tat’ or ‘an eye for an eye’ environment does not cultivate a spirit of forgiveness. Even the Bible says in Luke 7:47 that “whoever has been forgiven little loves little“.

Other times, where forgiveness within the family has been extended joylessly or in sorrow, it is also hard to value true forgiveness. Let’s use a fictitious example. Consider a wife who has endured years of abuse or neglect from her husband, but who forgave and prayed for him for years until he accepted Christ as his personal Saviour. However, this woman still continues to carry a spirit of sorrow and pain from all those years long ago (i.e. forgiveness at the intellectual level only). Would her children see forgiveness as a beautiful thing?

2. Control and fear

We live in a world that tells us to ‘take charge’; ‘be a winner, not a loser’; ‘grasp every opportunity for your own benefit’ – and in Asian culture, ‘don’t lose face’.

We are programmed to wear masks to say “I’m good!”. We don’t feel comfortable feeling vulnerable. Forgiving someone feels as if we are releasing control over our lives and giving someone else the right to disrupt our little worlds. We don’t want to appear weak, ignorant and stupid. We don’t want to send a message to others that we are ‘easy prey’.

3. Pride

Sometimes, it is pride that hems us in. Pride says, “I’m a better person than you. I’m taking the higher moral ground on this issue, and what you are doing/have done is bad. I say that you don’t deserve forgiveness”. The worst form of pride is spiritual pride.

Luke 6:37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

4. Bad experiences

Other times, it is because we have witnessed poor outcomes when people are forgiven, either first-hand or otherwise. “Once bitten, twice shy” is the world’s motto, but God asks us to release forgiveness unconditionally (seventy-seven), just like He has done for you and me.

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Forgiveness brings us new life – physically and spiritually 

Although all these seem like good reasons not to forgive, we don’t release that holding on to grudges brings both physical and spiritual sickness. Research has even shown that chronic anger leaves us in a constant state of fight-or-flight mode, which increases the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, as well as other medical conditions related to stress. On the other hand, releasing our hold on unforgiveness liberates and heals our spirits tremendously. It’s almost like giving our hearts a “forever” spa.

Here are three things about forgiveness we ought to keep in mind.

1. It’s not about forgetting the offence, it’s about forgetting the effects of the offence 

We have all heard the saying that, “one can forgive, but one cannot forget”. To forgive someone for an offence is not to deny or forget that the offence ever happened. It is simply choosing not to “remember” or hold on to the effects of that offence in our hearts. That’s quite different from “forgetting” and pretending things never happened. To do that would be to deny the power of forgiveness over the offender’s life.

God who is holy and righteous sets a perfect example by forgetting our sins after He has forgiven us. There is no record of our sins nor any grudge match to hold on to. Our Heavenly Father values forgiveness so much that He allowed His Son to die for us in order to make our forgiveness possible.

Isaiah 43:25 NIV  “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.

2. It’s not about how people will view you, it’s about how people get to see God

True forgiveness goes like this; “We both know you have committed some offence in the past that has affected me, but I will not allow it to affect how I am towards you – because God, whom I love, loves you too. How I behave towards you is not dependent on how you behave towards me, it is only dependent on how God has behaved towards me – which has been tremendously generous and unconditional”.

Luke 6:32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them.

John 13:35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” 

3. It’s not about holding on to the right for “justice”, it’s about letting go of the need for justice 

Have you ever seen anyone who holds a grudge that is truly joyful? Unforgiveness is a poison that robs us of our joy. Forgiving someone does not mean we continue to allow others to be unkind or to take advantage of us. As Christians, we are called to be shrewd as snakes and innocent like doves.

Matthew 10:16 “I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

Forgiveness means we are no longer under the “burden” of someone else’s offence and desperate for a need for justice or revenge. It means we have chosen to release ourselves from the shackles of the offence – and allow God’s true love peace and joy to fill us.

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

The irony is we tend to think that forgiveness will make us appear weak – but it is actually unforgiveness that makes us become weak and petty!

Jesus is our perfect role model

Let us consider that Jesus also came to die for the person/s we find difficult to forgive. He humbled Himself to come and die for that person, in order to forgive that person for his/her sins. When we decide not to also forgive someone He has already died for, what are we actually saying to God about His sacrifice on the cross?

God doesn’t ask us to do something He has not already done as an example for us. This is why God warns us in the Bible that if we do not forgive, He will not forgive us either.

Matthew 6:14-15  For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Mark 11:25  And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.” 

The amazing thing is that our loving gracious God doesn’t just forgive us, He welcomes us back into His arms, regardless of what we have done. Let us do the same for those around as well. That is the only way people will see, understand, appreciate and experience the true meaning of forgiveness firsthand – and be able to pass it on to others. And we all know, the world desperately needs that.

Testimony 1: Forgiving abusive family members with new hope from Christ

“I grew up in a very abusive home where I was full of fear. Over the years, I became used to feeling like someone’s commodity or an object for their anger, jealousy, bullying, and verbal abuse. My guardians did not protect me.

My elder sister was jealous that she had to share her parents with me, so she bullied me constantly. My mother feared my sister and hence couldn’t stop her. Dad had his own issues, so he was ignorant to the whole situation. He became very abusive whenever he needed to release some stress and to let go of his anxiety.

I was so hateful towards my family members and I blamed them for all my bitterness.

I met my mentor at church last year and she made me realise that they had been in bondage by Satan all their lives and that they have provided the best they could to me – even though they were constantly living in fear. For example, they tried to provide the best education they could possibly afford for me. I was encouraged to forgive them after repenting for all my hatred towards them as I laid down all their wrongdoings towards me at Jesus’ feet.

After that, I felt like I had won a battle against Satan through Jesus. I learnt to love them and forgave my family members as God had forgiven me. It was a tough battle but I no longer blame them and I no longer believe the lies from Satan has used to separate me from my family. I have learnt to see my family members with love and pray that one day, they too, can come to Christ and find freedom, hope, love and peace like how I have.”

Testimony 2: Forgiving in-laws and experiencing new freedom and blessings

“I am a mother of two and have always believed in honest and open conversations with my children. I believe they need to develop the ability to think for themselves. At the same time, I have difficulty fully letting go of control. 

My daughter has just turned 14 years old and is becoming more independent in her thinking. At school, she has been having a crush on a classmate who is very popular with the girls. He seems to enjoy drawing attention to himself and is close to a number of girls, causing some competition and jealousy. I have been very worried that my daughter would fall for someone who did not value her and get very hurt. I try to warn her but she feels overwhelmed by what I say. Whenever this topic came up in our conversations, we end up arguing strongly. 

Thankfully, I have a sister-in-Christ that I meet regularly. After hearing me talk about this issue for a few months, she quietly prayed to God on how to help me. The Holy Spirit told her that there were a few people I hadn’t forgiven. When she asked me, I was very surprised because it was true! 

I was embarrassed to admit that I have been holding on to grudges towards my father-in-law, as well as my brother-in-law and sister-in-law for about seven years ever since they began dating. This is because my brother-in-law used to date my sister. My father-in-law didn’t want both his two sons to marry two sisters so he pressured my brother-in-law to break off with my sister. This hurt her so deeply as they had dated for many years, even long distance, and we all expected them to get married. 

I really could not accept my new sister-in-law because she started dating my brother-in-law towards the end of my sister’s relationship with him. I despised her. Every time we meet up for family dinners, I could not bring myself to look her in her eye or have a conversation with her, beyond saying a pretentious “hello”. I also felt my husband was not on my side because he kept asking me to move on. I just could not. I really hated them and felt no one was on my side.

After hearing about my complicated relationship with my in-laws, my friend asked me if my sister was still single. I explained that my sister is now married to a very good man and has a beautiful daughter. She asked if my sister’s current husband was a better fit for her than my brother-in-law and I said yes, definitely!

My friend then asked me to consider that the break-up was actually a blessing from God. If I was still holding on my grudges, I could be resisting God’s will, even though it was so so painful at the beginning. Shouldn’t I be thanking God for my sister’s family, and blessing my in-laws instead? Shouldn’t I be a good testimony for Jesus instead of holding on to bitterness? 

She lovingly warned me that my children were also observing my bitter attitude towards my father-in-law. What was I teaching my own children? Also, did I notice that my daughter is now in a similar situation as my sister was? I could be giving Satan a foothold to attack my own daughter by my bitterness and hatred towards my own family. 

I felt so convicted and quickly said, yes it is time for me to let all this go but I didn’t know how. So my friend asked the Holy Spirit to teach us how to pray and then gave me the points to pray over. First, I confessed that I had not been a good testimony for Jesus, then I repented of my bitterness, anger and resentment. I forgave all of them, one by one, and repented of my judgments of them, one by one. Then I blessed them. 

At this time, my friend felt that we needed to tell the evil spirits that had held me in bondage to all these negative thoughts and emotions to leave me. As she did that for me, I felt lighter and lighter. Invisible things “lifted off” me as if burdens were falling off me. It was amazing. My mind became clearer and I had joy fill up the inside of me! I never experienced anything like it in my 30 years as a Christian. 

My friend then encouraged me to see my in-laws through God’s eyes and apologise to them for holding on to grudges for so long. I told her I would try. 

There was a family dinner with my in-laws shortly after the prayer time. Praise God I felt free to have a normal conversation with them! I didn’t have those negative feelings towards them like I used to. In fact, I saw that they were actually decent people. Even my husband was surprised by the change of my heart attitude.

I’m also glad to report that my relationship with my daughter has improved significantly. She began to see that the boy’s behaviour was inappropriate and he was not someone to trust. It is okay to know him as a friend but not as a boyfriend. She even thanked me to guiding her in the process. She asked if I had the wisdom to help her because I had been through something similar and I told her, yes of course. She no longer sees me as not understanding her, in fact, it is just the opposite. Praise God!”

May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and forgive others as Jesus has forgiven us.