Watch: Fiona’s testimony

Fiona asked God for the reason why she hesitated to have children as she fasted and prayed. God revealed that she still carried shame and guilt from the abortion she had in the past and that to Him, abortion is the murder of one of His creations. After Fiona repented of murder, God also led her to forgive herself and showed her that He would bless her with another child. Praise God!

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Video transcript

I had seen it as an act that He disliked but now I saw that in His eyes, it was murder.

It was a life I had taken. I had murdered, plotted murder, and done evil in His eyes.

Hi, my name is Fiona. I grew up in a Christian family, but began to have a renewed relationship with God around 10 years ago, after years of pursuing life on my own terms. I came to know and began to cherish my relationship with the Holy Spirit around six years ago. It is an ongoing process.

A few years ago, I began the practice of fasting and praying in the Spirit and I’ve found it to be so enriching in my walk with God. Sometimes, as I fasted and prayed, God would speak to me and I really treasure those encounters with Him.

I had been married for almost a year and one night, as I was fasting, I asked God a question I’ve been pondering for a while, “Why don’t I want children?”

I knew my husband wanted children and I knew he would be a fantastic father. I even knew that God had children planned for us. He had given my husband a vision before we were married of a child in our future who would be our own.

That same evening, I had studied 2 Kings 9 in the Bible. And as I nestled in on my prayer time, I reflected on what a jarring passage it was. Evil King Ahab had died in the previous book, according to the Word of the Lord which He spoke, just as was prophesied. King Ahab was described as having done more evil than any king before him, and done more to provoke the Lord than any king before him.

And nine chapters later, his wife, Jezebel, who incited him to do evil and conspired to murder with her husband, finally died – also, according to the Word of the Lord which He spoke.

As I prayed and asked God why I did not want children and waited to hear from Him, I heard the word, abortion.

And suddenly I understood the word afresh.

I had repented of my abortion a couple of years ago, cut soul ties with the clinic, physician and my well-meaning then-boyfriend, God bless him. And yet my spirit now knew that what I had repented of wasn’t what God had seen as a sin. I had seen it as an act that He disliked but now I saw that in His eyes, it was murder.

All of a sudden, understanding fell upon me and I knew, it all made sense; the holiness of God, the gravity of what I had done, the horror, the evil, that He is Creator God, that He makes man in His image, that all life belongs to Him, that I had directly offended Him, that He knits us together in our mothers’ wombs.

A had destroyed one of His creations that was carefully, fearfully, and wonderfully made. I had devalued His creation.

I now understood. I had murdered. I was a murderer. And so, I repented, apologised, and asked for forgiveness, and then marveled at His grace. Thank you for Jesus. Could it be that the God of the universe loves me, a murderer? Forgives me for murdering His child? Praise God that it is not by my works. Praise God for Jesus’ righteousness.

King Ahab’s blood was licked up by dogs. Jezebel’s flesh had been eaten by dogs, as was prophesied. She was unrecognisable. That is the gravity of what I had done.

I was then led to forgive myself too.

I realised that, because I had not freely shared about this sin, I was still trapped in shame and condemnation, and I still judged myself. And I had not truly accepted what Christ had done for me. Immediately, I felt joy and freedom and hope, and suddenly, I wanted children!

So, I asked God, “When should we start trying for children?” And God said, “With Me, it is not trying, it is waiting.” Then I asked God, “Well, when should we start waiting?”

And He said, “Whenever you are ready to trust Me.” And I praised him and praised Him.

I then spoke to my husband. And shortly after, we decided to wait and trust God. We later found out that we became pregnant immediately. God called it “waiting”. He invited us to wait, to wait for Him to bless us, for Him to move and give us His good and perfect gift.

But the God we serve and worship, who forgives us, He had been waiting for me to wait on Him. He had been waiting for me to come and ask Him my question and bring Him my pain. And He had waited to reveal this sin and this unforgiveness and shame I was still enshrouded by. He is patient. He is kind. He is merciful. He never gives up. He keeps no record of wrongs. He is love.

It still blows my mind, that God would not only forgive a murderer, but bless one.

That He would not punish me, but gift me with a perfect child, made again in His beautiful, incredible, unfathomable image.

And He waited till I was free of the shame and condemnation of my abortion to gift me a child, so I could love this child, not out of guilt to make up for what I had done, but out of the overflow of my love for Him. So I could see my child every day and be reminded of His love and grace, and pour out love and grace in return.

What a beautiful, wonderful, merciful, awesome God we serve.

Abortions happen. I regret mine, but I praise God that He didn’t stop pursuing me after what I did. Whilst He loved me and worked in other areas of my life, in this area He waited until my heart was soft, until according to His perfect timing, I could see according to His eyes, to lead me to the truth of my sin, of my need for Him, to lead me to freedom.

If you or anyone you know is suffering in shame and condemnation, bring it to the Father. He so wants you to be free!

He is gentle. Jesus died for what you did. And He paid for it all on the cross, so that we could be free and reunited with the Father. He loves you so very much.

Psalm 103:1-13 Bless the Lord, my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, my soul, and do not forget any of His benefits; who pardons all your guilt, who heals all your diseases; who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with favour and compassion; who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle. The Lord performs righteous deeds and judgments for all who are oppressed. He made known His ways to Moses, His deeds to the sons of Israel. The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. He will not always contend with us, nor will He keep His anger forever.

He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our guilty deeds. Another version says, He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our wrongdoings from us. Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our form; He is mindful that we are nothing but dust.