Watch: Vivienne’s testimony

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Video transcript

It was mind-opening and I began to understand myself and my gift of compassion, mercy, and kindness.

“Hello. I’m Vivienne. I have been following Jesus since I was 18.

My parents divorced when I was young. I didn’t know much about the reason why back then. All I knew was they weren’t in a good relationship for a period of time and then one day, my dad stopped coming home.

I’m an only child and I’m used to get all the attention from my mom, sometimes too much.

As I grew up, I felt like she didn’t really understand me. To me, it often felt like she was trying to control me, instead of trying to understand what I liked or what I needed.

My dad came to visit me from time to time. During those visits, he used to “teach” me moral values like what I should do, who I should make friends with, and how I should listen to my mom. But I felt really distant from him because I felt like he had abandoned the family, including me.

In order to move on, I numbed my heart and I hardly told anybody about my dad. He was more like a stranger to me.

But it was during one of those visits that I experienced my first encounter with the love of Jesus. After the routine “teaching”, my dad suddenly asked if I had any questions for him; like what happened between mom and him, why he ran away etc. I couldn’t talk after hearing it. My tears couldn’t stop running so my dad hugged me. He hadn’t hugged me for a long time. And it felt like Jesus was hugging me. Jesus was telling me that He knew all my brokenness and my struggles, my questions and my doubts, even though I had told nobody, or even before I was aware of all my feelings.

Before knowing Jesus, I used to subconsciously put friendships or a romantic relationship higher than God. I struggled a lot because of jealousy, comparison, or my emotional immaturity. For example, I struggled to see my friends making plans without me, I felt left out. I struggled to celebrate my friends’ success and of course, it was hard to share about how I felt. I also struggled to know that my best friends or my boyfriend didn’t put me as their top priority.

I judged myself for having such thoughts and I wanted to get over it, but never knew how. It consumed my energy, peace, and joy.

I recall feeling sad and abandoned growing up when close friends ignored or left me out. Friends mean a lot to me, because I have no brothers or sisters, and I feel like my mother doesn’t understand me and my dad isn’t there. So friends have been my source of help and support and the most important thing in my life. But I often felt disappointed with friends.

Two years ago, I finished a one-year discipleship course and I decided to go through the prayer ministry at the end, where we ask the Holy Spirit for His truth and revelation.

During the prayer, I repented of a lot of occult practices from my family. It took a lot of time as the list was long, but Jesus gently healed my heart.

I also spent time confessing and repenting to God that I put some human relationships higher than my relationship with Him.

I repented of jealousy when other people were having a good time amongst themselves and I could not celebrate their happiness.

I asked God to please transform my heart.

God also revealed my inner vows that I’ve spoken to myself which I was never aware of. There were 34 of them! For example, “I’ll never reconcile with my dad, I refuse to recognise him as my dad, I’ll rely on myself and show others that I’m good enough. I don’t need others, I’m enough for myself. I will be strong for myself. I’m not good enough. I’m better than the others.”

It was a huge relief after spending time renouncing them. It was then that I realised how I made myself my own god to protect myself. I had to confess, renounce, and crucify these vows on the cross. I also asked God to renew my mind and thoughts, and give me a new way of thinking that honours Him as my Saviour. I definitely felt lighter and filled with joy after that!

I used to find it hard to believe when people said that I’m kind because I know I judge people a lot in my heart.

Another discovery the Holy Spirit gave about myself is that it is because I’m kind that I would judge unkind people.

It was mind-opening and I began to understand myself and my gift of compassion, mercy, and kindness. I don’t understand why people are mean because my nature is kind. Compassion is a gift from God that can be misused.

Before discovering that, Satan used it to accuse me of judging people. I could only see myself as a judgemental person. I never knew it’s a gift from God and I could use it in a constructive way.

I’m now learning to ask God to teach me how to be kind, how to use my gift in a godly way. I feel so reassured after learning that and I am more assured of myself and my personality, which gives me strength to face Satan’s lies.

It’s because of this deep spiritual cleansing that I can be more steady in Jesus.

I now know how to differentiate between the lies and the destruction of Satan and the blessings of the Holy Spirit.

Towards the end of the prayer, I saw Jesus standing before me, saying in an extra caring tone that I can come to Him any time I want. I don’t have to be afraid or feel ashamed. I’m free to go to Him and He’ll accept me as I am.

Thank you, Jesus, for this great acceptance. Thank you, Jesus, for leading me, for revealing so many things I didn’t realise that had an influence, and setting me free so I can freely run to You. You give me anything I need that is suitable for me; Your encouragement and kind words, Your love, care.

I come before You, give You all my praise, with a humble heart to ask You for Your thoughts of me, Your encouragement, and Your advice on how I should live every day.”