Wisdom in handling abusive relationships

Jesus, our wonderful Saviour, was subject to all sorts of public abuse and humiliation. He was falsely accused, mocked by the masses, whipped by Roman soldiers, paraded like a criminal, and hung naked on across. One time, He was so distressed that the Lord sweated droplets of blood. Jesus understands our pain like no one else can. He is especially close to the brokenhearted and promises to save the crushed in spirit who come to Him for salvation and deliverance. Through the Holy Spirit, He will give us the wisdom, clarity and strength we need to do what is right. This is a trustworthy promise for everyone seeking salvation from abusive relationships who will follow His counsel.

(See Chinese versions: 简体中文 > 智慧地处理虐待关系 | 繁體中文 > 智慧地處理虐待關係)

 

Psalm 34:17-20 ESV  When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.

The thrill of romance can sometimes blind us to a person’s underlying narcissistic, malicious, and manipulative nature until it is too late. We may then find ourselves committed to an abusive fiancé, husband, or wife who persistently tears our identity, value, dignity, and intelligence apart by their words and actions. Their abuse is not limited to just a one-off incident, but comes upon us in unpredictable waves. As believers, we are called to love others as we love ourselves but how do we respond to systematic abuse from someone we both care for and dread? How do we choose between staying to “save” the relationship and leaving our abusers to save ourselves?

Matthew 22:37-39 ESV  And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

The situation is even more delicate for Christian wives who husbands quote Ephesians 5:22 as a means to keep them quiet and submissive. Such husbands will vehemently ignore their own part to love their wives as Christ loved the church. In fact, the heart of the same chapter can be found in verses Ephesians 5:1-2 and Ephesians 5:20-21. We are called to imitate God, to love others as Jesus loves us, be thankful, and “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Ephesians 5:22 ESV  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Ephesians 5:25,28 ESV  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her… In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 

Ephesians 5:1-2,20-21 ESV  Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. … giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Recognising an abusive relationship

Physical violence is a punishable crime in many places while verbal and mental abuse receives less attention. Yet the Bible shows us that words can also be violent and feel like “sword thrusts”. Any form of abuse in a marriage or a romantic relationship, whether physical, mental, or emotional, is violent to our souls.

Proverbs 10:11 ESV  The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life, but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.

Proverbs 12:18 ESV  There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

Abusive partners don’t just hurt us, they crush our spirits in order to keep us weak and compliant. They know what they do to us is wrong and will usually restrict their abuse to behind closed doors so as to avoid exposure and witnesses. On the other hand, they will manipulatively project a perfectly nice image in public so as to pre-emptively win favour from our allies and weaken our credibility in front of them.

Proverbs 18:14 ESV  A man’s spirit will endure sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?

A brutal abusive partner will typically display some of the following traits:

• Perceptive about our weaknesses and fears
• Hypersensitive, volatile in emotions
• Insecure, easily jealous and suspicious
• Manipulative, nit-picking and controlling
• Skilled with words (they may even mis-use Bible verses to their advantage)

He or she will tend to do many, if not all, of the following:

1. Charm | Pursue us hard in the beginning and make us feel like we are like royalty.
2. Monitor | Start to scrutinise our daily activities, the time we spend with people, our phone messages and apps etc.
3. Control | Tell us what to wear, who we can see, who we can talk to, and who can have access to us. They will also seek to control our money and spending.
4. Isolate | Slowly cut us off from friends or family so that their position in our lives is supreme. They say they do this to protect us, when their ultimate goal is to limit our access to concerned loved ones and objective views, and keep us in the dark.
5. Manipulate | Use our weaknesses and fears against us. They know what to say in order to keep us compliant to their wishes, control us, and win all arguments. They are never wrong. In fact, they can even make themselves out to be our “saviour.”
6. Elevate themselves | Create a warped version of reality, claiming that he or she is the best person we could ever find, our relationship is “perfect,” and we will regret ruining the relationship.
7. Twist the facts | Twist the facts to suit their views. Their views may later change but we will still be accused for getting things “wrong”.
8. Lie | Persistently lie in order to get away with things, even lying to themselves. Their conscience is dead.
9. Project | Accuse us of things they do themselves.
10. Trample | Belittle us, subtly or blatantly.
11. Shame | Threaten to expose us or shame us in order to keep us under their control.
12. Dismiss | Disregard how we feel because their feelings are paramount.
13. Shift blame | Refuse to take responsibility for their bad behaviour by playing the victim and blaming us. They bring up our mistakes to shift the focus away from them. As they magnify our wrongs, they accuse us of being hypocritical.
14. Guilt-trip | Use any form of blackmail to control us and guilt-trip us into “obeying” their expectations and demands. They accuse us for not trying harder, being insincere or being too sensitive.
15. Threaten and fight | Resort to physical violence to enforce their will on us.
16. Demand | They demand our blind loyalty and blind faith in their word, and expect us to forgive them for whatever wrong or pain they cause us, even if they keep a record of our mistakes.
17. Downplay | They downplay the gravity of their sins but magnify our mistakes.
18. Objectify | Expect us to meet their sexual demands, no matter how perverted they may be.
19. Gaslight | Challenge our account of events, “correct” our memories according to their alternative “facts”, and question our mental health. It can come to a point that we doubt our own mental state. They can even convince our allies that we are mentally unstable and persistent liars.

1 Timothy 4:1-2 ESV  Now the Holy Spirit tells us clearly that in the last times some will turn away from the true faith; they will follow deceptive spirits and teachings that come from demons. These people are hypocrites and liars, and their consciences are dead.

Our abusers profess to love us but if we were to examine 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, we will find that they are not loving towards us at all. What our abusers call “love” is not what God, the true Source and Author of love, defines as love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7  Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Such people can be very charming and caring on one hand, and then turn cruel and abusive on the other. The good days can be very good while the bad days can be very bad. Life can swing to both extremes in a day. One minute, we are made to feel valued and valuable. The next minute, we are told how horrible we are and that we do not deserve to be loved or deserve to die. As a result, we feel guilty about upsetting our abusive partners and feel compelled to keep them happy. This enslaves us to their moods and demands.

Psalm 55:21 ESV  His speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.

Romans 6:16 NLT  Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? …

We may not notice that we gradually don’t care for ourselves as much as we used to and our appearance and health condition begin to suffer. We feel tired all the time because of the immense emotional and mental toil we suffer as we walk on eggshells on a constant basis.

In order to survive in the relationship, we keep betraying our conscience, denying our own desires, and making ourselves more and more insignificant. This is not the same as being humble, it is about how we are being diminished as a person who is made in God’s image.

Over time, we begin to believe our abusers’ cutting words and doubt ourselves. We give in to their twisted logic, rather than submit to God’s Word, and struggle with self-accusations, worthlessness, and hopelessness.

We may resist leaving because we know what it feels like to be abandoned and loath for someone else to experience the same thing, not realising that our abuser is likely to just move on to charm and enslave another target.

We are unsure about what is the right thing to do. Do we try harder so things will be good again or do we leave? When we finally decide to get out of the relationship, we find we don’t seem to have the strength or courage to do so.

Some of us may even turn abusive and violent ourselves, and take out our pain and frustrations elsewhere. 

Proverbs 22:24-25 ESV  Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

The effect on our other significant relationships

Our other relationships suffer too.

Because our abuser puts immense pressure on us not to talk about our relationship, we feel exceptionally guilty about confiding in other people about our troubles. It can be very hard for us to ask anyone for help because we are afraid our abusers will accuse us of betraying their trust, or will retaliate with violence and other malicious acts.

When we do finally open up to our allies, we may find that our abusers have already won them over with their twisted versions of reality and made us look like the problematic or dramatic one in the relationship. When we ask for our family’s or friends’ help and counsel, they may unsympathetically tell us to “fix” ourselves and go back to our abusers instead.

Those who do want to help and tell us to leave our abusers will rationalise with us, but not necessarily offer a better or safer option to run to. As a result, we feel stuck. Such allies soon become disillusioned when we still cling onto our abusers because they are unable to empathise with us, never having been in abusive relationships before. They do not realise that our self-worth, beliefs, and core values have been chipped away so much that we crumble quickly to our abusers’ manipulation over and over again. We end up making excuses for their unkind behaviour, hoping that things will be better if we just try harder.

After we repeatedly return to our abusive relationships, our initial advocates may begin to blame and shame us for hanging on to our abusers. They may even throw ultimatums at us, threatening to never talk to us or trust us again. This only reinforces our abuser’s accusations about us as well as our own negative self-beliefs that “I am hopeless,” “no one else wants or loves me,” “there is no one who can help me,” “I am useless,” “I can never be free,” or “it is better to be an abusive relationship because that is all I have and what I deserve.”

This pushes us deeper back down into the abusive relationship because it has become the only place we are familiar with. Increasingly, we feel no one understands us and begin to withdraw from others. This leaves us even more vulnerable as we become more and more isolated. Also, see 5 lies that keep us spiritually stuck 

It is very important for those in abusive relationships to find the right type of help, and not get discouraged by such experiences. God will lead us to safety and safe people if we humbly seek Him. Sometimes, we just need one person to believe in us and support us in order to believe in ourselves again.

Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV  Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Some reasons we remain in abusive relationships

Facing up to an abusive partner can be hard for some to confront. There can be various reasons for this. For example, we may:

1. Struggle with self-doubt and low self-esteem from a young age, usually due to our family upbringing, and believe we don’t deserve more or better
2. Find abuse familiar because we also experienced or witnessed it growing up, it can even become a subconscious belief that this is what “love” is like in a broken world
3. Always longed for a human “saviour” which our abuser initially promised to become at the start of the relationship
4. Be convinced that no one else will love us
5. Compare ourselves to others in worse relationships and think that ours is “better”
6. Fear abandonment
7. Prefer to be in a bad relationship than no relationship, usually due to family, cultural or social pressures
8. Want to avoid other unhappy circumstances
9. Made ourselves an inner vow to make our relationship work or to never fail again
10. Want to prove to others that they were wrong about our relationship
11. Have a deep desire to start a family at any cost
12. Feel stuck because we already have children with them
13. Benefit financially from the relationship
14. Fear a violent reaction if we were to leave the relationship
15. Believe we have to suffer as a result of some sins we have committed in the past
16. Feel compelled to stay together to “save face”
17. Lack a support system

In general, a person who is hungry to fill a hole in their hearts will often settle for a bitter acrimonious relationship because even that can taste “sweet” – albeit temporarily.

Proverbs 27:7 NLT  A person who is full refuses honey, but even bitter food tastes sweet to the hungry.

All abusers serve Satan

It can be extremely conflicting to co-exist with an abusive partner because we get to see both their vulnerable and cruel sides up close. Love and compassion compels us to care for their vulnerable side, even at our own expense, but their cruel side pours so much poison into us that we die a little by little each day. Where do we draw the line on our own well-being? When do things go too far?

Proverbs 18:21 ESV  Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

First, let us keep in mind that anyone who is repeatedly manipulative, controlling, and malicious has been captured by Satan and serves the devil. The description of someone like this comes from the book of 2 Timothy. At the core, they love only themselves and their money. Such people are puffed up with pride and love pleasure. They are abusive, cruel, proud, boastful, reckless, unforgiving, and ungrateful. They will slander and betray us.

2 Timothy 2:25-3:5 NIV  Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

Such servants of the devil can also disguise themselves as angels of light and act religious!

2 Corinthians 11:14-15 And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise if his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness. Their end will correspond to their deeds.

If anyone will not consider us or our bodies, temples of the Holy Spirit, sacred but is willing to curse people made in God’s image, they are in reality, serving Satan, not God. They are not truly following Jesus. There is no place in heaven for people who curse and abuse others. It goes against God’s very character.

1 Corinthians 6:19 ESV  Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own,

James 3:8-10 ESV  but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.

James 1:26 ESV  If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.

Some abusers can be saved

Before we rush ahead and condemn an abuser, we must practice discernment, because in reality, there are two types of abusers. One can be saved and the other, cannot.

2 Timothy 2:25-3:5 NIV  Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

1. Teachable and willing to come to their senses

The first is in bondage in Satan and genuinely desire to break free. They recognise the damage and grief they cause their loved ones and genuinely regret their actions but they cannot seem to control their cruel words and outbursts. They find themselves enslaved to destructive relationship patterns for reasons that are unclear to them. It is as if something just takes over whenever their insecurities or feelings are triggered.

In such cases, there is still hope for an abusive person if he or she is willing to turn to Jesus as their Saviour, give themselves completely to God, repent, and stay accountable to godly Christian brothers or sisters. Ex-abusers need to undergo discipleship and experience God’s unconditional love.

Romans 6:12-14 NLT  Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to sinful desires. Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God. Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead, you live under the freedom of God’s grace.

 Isaiah 55:7 NIV  Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts. Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them, and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

Counselling can also certainly help, but to break one’s bondage to Satan as a result of witchcraft and idol worship for example, requires genuine repentance and breaking of all ties to Satan in Jesus’ name. (Some examples can be found under “Footholds Satan uses to control abusers” below.)

As servants of God, we are called to gently show others the truth, enduring evil along the way, in order to win them over to repentance before Jesus Christ. Some abusers may believe that no one will truly love and forgive them, and will need to experience God’s unconditional grace along their journey of renewal through us. We should not be forsaking them in their time of need. Moreover, we can model the fruit of the Holy Spirit so that they can witness how they too can love others as Christ loves them.

Galatians 5:22-23 ESV  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

John 13:34 ESV  A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

People who have grown up in broken, abusive families may need more time to heal and change. God’s love means we will need to exercise patience and perseverance to walk with someone who is working to overcome their abusive patterns. Love will be willing to cover a multitude of sins.

2 Timothy 2:24-26 ESV  And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. 

1 Peter 4:7-8 NIV  The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

2. Not teachable and unrepentant

The second type of abuser is not willing to submit to God. They will refuse to love and accept the truth that would save them, and will just keep on sinning. Such people scoff at God in their arrogance and bitterness and justify their own behaviour. They love evil more than righteousness. They do whatever they like without remorse. They won’t bow down to God because they already worship a god – themselves.

1 John 3:8 NLT  But when people keep on sinning, it shows that they belong to the devil, who has been sinning since the beginning…

2 Thessalonians 2:9-10 ESV  The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders, and with all wicked deception for those who are perishing, because they refused to love the truth and so be saved.

They may say they are sorry when they are confronted about their wickedness, but their apology is not genuine. It is not from their hearts. They have learnt how to read us so well that they know what is the bare minimum to tell or show us in order to win us back over again. They are not remorseful and have absolutely no shame. They only say sorry to cut short our conversations, weaken our resolve to leave or counsel them, or make us feel guilty for not giving them yet another chance.

They will unabashedly slander us behind our backs and use their charm, influence, or money to win others over, even turning our closest allies, such as family, friends, and co-workers, against us. Their true objective is control, and that is not love.

1 John 3:10 ESV  By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

There is no need to tolerate unrepentant abusers or make any further excuses for them. The Bible tells us that there will be no harmony between those who follow Jesus and who follow the devil. We are unequally yoked with them and should physically separate ourselves from them, especially if our lives and sanity are at stake. 

2 Corinthians 6:15-17 NLT  What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people. Therefore, come out from among unbelievers, and separate yourselves from them, says the LORD. Don’t touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you. And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty.”

God, however, does not condone divorce and we ought to honour God’s will on marriage by not suggesting divorce (unless there is also adultery involved), but we should not be obliged to live together with an abuser who continues to glorify Satan.

Matthew 5:32 ESV  But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

1 Corinthians 7:15 ESV  But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.

Footholds that Satan uses against us

Before we examine the footholds that Satan uses to control abusive people to do his will, it is helpful to examines ourselves, the abused, as well. It takes two to be in a relationship, and Satan can equally play each person against the other. Hurt people hurt people too. We can lose control and react in ways that are not normal to us.

2 Corinthians 13:5 NLT  Examine yourselves to see if your faith is genuine. Test yourselves. Surely you know that Jesus Christ is among you; if not, you have failed the test of genuine faith.

1. Do we know God’s heart for us?

God is not indifferent to our pain. He cares deeply for us and knows exactly how we feel. Jesus was whipped, mocked, slapped, stripped naked, ridiculed before a crowd, spat on, and beaten on the head. Jesus could have walked away from all this abuse but He did not.

John 19:1-3 NLT  Then Pilate had Jesus flogged with a lead-tipped whip. The soldiers wove a crown of thorns and put it on his head, and they put a purple robe on him. “Hail! King of the Jews!” they mocked, as they slapped him across the face.

Matthew 27:27-31 NLT  Some of the governor’s soldiers took Jesus into their headquarters and called out the entire regiment. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him. They wove thorn branches into a crown and put it on his head, and they placed a reed stick in his right hand as a scepter. Then they knelt before him in mockery and taunted, “Hail! King of the Jews!” And they spit on him and grabbed the stick and struck him on the head with it. When they were finally tired of mocking him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him again. Then they led him away to be crucified.

Because He subjected Himself to such abuse, we can be reassured that He knows understands our pain and weaknesses firsthand. At the same time, He can help us overcome evil and show us how not to fall into sin. It is Jesus who said, “on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Hebrews 4:15 NLT  This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin.

John 16:33 NLT  I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

Often, our own deep pain, self-blame, self-doubt, and self-isolation keep us from trusting that God is indeed good and giving ourselves wholeheartedly to Him. We have been so conditioned by Satan’s lies that we have come to believe we are worthless, useless, and hopeless. What terrible lies to fall for! If we are made in God’s image, how can we be any of those things?

John 8:44 ESV  … He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

We need to open our eyes wide and recognise the evil that is in this world. There are those who call evil good and good evil. The Bible tells us to guard our hearts and look carefully at how we live – and distinguish evil from good, wise from unwise.

Isaiah 5:20-21 ESV  Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter! Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and shrewd in their own sight!

Ephesians 5:15-16 ESV  Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.

Here are some important reminders about God’s promises:

• He is faithful to us, even when we have not been faithful and walked away from Him for a while | 2 Timothy 2:13 NLT If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is.
• He has compassion for us and our harassed and helpless state | Matthew 9:36 ESV When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.
• He values us and will care for our needs | Matthew 6:26 NLT Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are?
• He does not want to condemn us, He wants to save us | John 3:17 ESV For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.
• He is humble and will be gentle with us, and give us rest for our souls | Matthew 11:29 NLT Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
• His love for us never ceases and is renewed every day | Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

At the same time, God does not take the abuse we have suffered lightly, even if we have tried to convince ourselves that the abuse is acceptable, understandable, and “not that bad.” He will bring judgment on abusive people who have tried to destroy our dignity, identity, and souls. We are to leave our vengeance to God.

1 Corinthians 3:17 ESV  If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him. For God’s temple is holy, and you are that temple.

Romans 12:19 NLT  Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD.

Proverbs 20:22 ESV  Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the Lord, and he will deliver you.

In times of pain and fear, however, we can end up judging and blaming God instead of thanking Him for His unfailing love for us. Adam and Eve were the first couple who existed. Adam also blamed God when they both sinned against Him, instead of confessing the passive part he played in it all. We too have that same sinful tendency to blame God for our partners and abusive  relationships.

Genesis 3:11-12 ESV  He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.”

Yet if we were to reflect and be perfectly honest with ourselves, we will probably recognise the times that God gently warned us through our conscience where we chose to ignore Him. Thank God that He is full of grace, God does not condemn us when we humbly return to Him for help in our relationship disasters. He wants to save us – and possibly also our abusers, if they are willing to submit to Him too.

If we have ever judged and blamed God, let us first start by repenting and asking Him for forgiveness and study His Word for the truth. He is our Saviour, not our tormentor.

Matthew 12:32 ESV  And whoever speaks a word against the Son of Man will be forgiven, but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit will not be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come.

James 1:13-14 NLT  And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.

2. Are we serving an idolatrous ideal in our hearts?

Sometimes, we fall into abusive relationships because we have fallen in love with the idea of being with someone or a particular type of person, being married, having our own children, or securing financial stability. All these create idols in our hearts. We don’t really love our partners for who they are, we simply crave what they can provide us.

Abusive partners typically know this and will take advantage of such weaknesses. This is how we are manipulated into staying in abusive relationships. Placing any person or ideal above God’s position in our heart makes them our idol.

Jonah 2:8 ESV  Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love.

If we want to be set free from the power that our abusers have over us, we need to repent of the idols in our hearts that gives them a hold over us in the first place. No one is more supreme, faithful, and loving than God Himself. He is our true Provider.

1 Corinthians 10:14 ESV  Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry.

Also, see Testing for idols in our hearts

3. Do we fear man more than God?

Sometimes, abusive partners will demand that we do certain things that go specifically against God’s commandments to “prove” our loyalty to them. We need to be careful not to submit to such demands and disobey God. As hard as it may be for the time being, we need to fear God more than we fear man. Anyone we fear more than God is an idol.

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 ESV  The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.

Proverbs 29:25 ESV  The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.

Matthew 10:28 ESV  And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.

God’s love is immense and so is His jealousy over His children. He will not tolerate us offering our identities and our bodies, which He created for His glory, to idols.

Exodus 20:5-7 NLT  You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.

Psalm 139:13-14 ESV  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Revelation 4:11 ESV  “Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.”

4. Are we reaping the judgment we have sown?

If we have ever hated or cursed our parents or other married couples, we may end up reaping what we have sowed. When we use our tongues for violence, we will reap the violence we have sown in our own relationships later on.

Exodus 21:17 ESV  “Whoever curses his father or his mother shall be put to death.

Job 4:8 ESV  As I have seen, those who plow iniquity and sow trouble reap the same.

We often find many people walking the same path of destruction or making the exact same mistakes as their parents whom they had sworn to hate their ways and to never be. As we curse and judge others, we bring the same curses upon ourselves.

Galatians 6:7-8 ESV  Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. 

Let us, therefore, repent for all judgments on our parents, siblings, and others, and repent for the ways we have hated or cursed them. We will also need to heal emotionally from the wounds they have caused us and forgive them, unreservedly. This will set us free from the relationship curses we have brought on ourselves through the evil we have previously sown ourselves.

Proverbs 1:31 NLT  Therefore, they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way, choking on their own schemes.

1 John 3:15 NLT  Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them.

Matthew 6:15 NLT  But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Also, see Cursing our parents curses us back

5. Are we under a witchcraft curse?

As believers, we will be protected against curses or witchcraft hexes from people with malicious intent – unless we have sinned against them in some way. This gives Satan a foothold to destroy what we have, leading to our misery and ruin. All undeserved curses do not come to rest, but deserved ones can and will afflict us.

Romans 3:13 ESV  “Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.” “Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery,

Proverbs 26:2 NIV  Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow, an undeserved curse does not come to rest.

Let us seek God and ask Him to show us if anyone has placed a curse or hex on us. There is nothing we cannot conquer when God helps us!

Also, see:
Jesus frees counsellor from shamanic curses
Breaking free from witchcraft curses

6. Have we become like our abusers in any way?

Whether we are conscious of it or not, we will invariably start to pick up the patterns we hate if we continue in the company of our abusers. Have we started lying to our co-workers, family, and friends? Do we demand their attention and pour out our bitterness to them unrelentingly? Do we make others feel guilty for not helping us? Have we become suspicious of other people? Have we become more cutting with our words?

God’s Word warns us that bad company ruins good morals. Where we have begun to sin against others and against God, we will need to first repent. We are meant to become more like Jesus, not our abusers.

1 Corinthians 15:33 ESV  Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.”

Proverbs 13:20 ESV  Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.

7. Will we resolve to seek God first?

After a prolonged time of living in bondage to Satan through the manipulation of another person, it can take some resolve to turn around 180 degrees and put God first in our hearts.

We need to be willing to surrender everything we thought we knew and to renew our minds based on God’s Word. Our thought patterns have been severely twisted according to Satan’s lies and it can take time to break old habitual instincts, but it is certainly possible if we are willing to humble ourselves and submit to God. It will be harder if our loyalties continue to be divided between God and our idols.

Romans 12:1-2 ESV  I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

James 4:7-8 NLT  So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.

Moreover, we will need the counsel of mature and God-fearing believers who can pray for us and mentor us in the ways of Jesus Christ.

James 5:16 ESV  Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Footholds Satan uses to control abusers

There are several reasons why people may be captured by Satan to do his will and torment others. Here are a few brief examples.

1. Are they repeating generational curses?

It often doesn’t take long to notice certain ungodly and sinful patterns in a person’s family tree if we were to make the effort to draw one up, covering at least three generations. We may notice a generational pattern of broken families and bitter interpersonal relationships.

Exodus 34:6-7 The Lord passed before him and proclaimed, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, but who will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children’s children, to the third and the fourth generation.”

Also, see Breaking generational curses

2. Are they harbouring bitterness towards their own parents?

As the primary source of love, parents play an outsized role in moulding a person’s values and emotional well-being. People who have been provoked to anger and bitterness by parents who persistently mishandled their needs will eventually take out their deeply buried inner frustrations on their significant others later in life, namely their spouses.

Ephesians 6:4 NLT  Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

Acts 8:23 NIV  For I see that you are full of bitterness and captive to sin.”

3. Have they been abused in childhood?

People who have not received loving and patient counselling from childhood abuse may end up modelling the brokenness they experienced early in life, where unhealthy patterns were deeply imprinted. 

4. Were they ever dedicated to Satan?

In Asia, many parents unwittingly dedicate their children to Satan by making various idols or spirits their “godfathers” or “guardians”. In particular, idols such as guan gong /guan yu, a Chinese god of war, or Shiva, known as the destroyer in Hinduism, will certainly lead to destructive relationships in the home. Anyone who has been dedicated to the devil will eventually act out Satan’s schemes to kill, steal and destroy.

John 10:10 ESV  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

5. Have they or their families been involved in witchcraft?

Witchcraft (fortune telling, predicting omens, cast spells, calling on spirits, lucky charms) involves people inviting invisible powers or “energies” to help them predict the future or achieve certain things. That “power” comes from Satan. Anyone whose family is involved with witchcraft will also be in bondage to Satan.

Deuteronomy 18:10-14 NLT  … And do not let your people practice fortune-telling, or use sorcery, or interpret omens, or engage in witchcraft, or cast spells, or function as mediums or psychics, or call forth the spirits of the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord. It is because the other nations have done these detestable things that the Lord your God will drive them out ahead of you. But you must be blameless before the Lord your God. The nations you are about to displace consult sorcerers and fortune-tellers, but the Lord your God forbids you to do such things.”

6. How do their own families communicate?

Some people may not know how to get their point across without attacking others first or raising their voice, because they never learnt how to express their fears, hurt, or anger in healthy, godly ways. They may simply be repeating toxic patterns they had witnessed in their households growing up.

Luke 6:43-44 ESV  “For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush.

7. Are their parents controlling them?

Traditionally-minded parents in Asia may teach their adult children to enforce their own rules in their households through threats, “discipline” and retribution. Disobediences leads to punishment in order to maintain control. There is no love, no grace, and no mercy.

8. Do they hate themselves?

We can become an extension of an abuser’s own self-hatred and insecurities. God’s Word shows us that husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own persons, but this commandment is broken when they hate themselves. They may hate us just as they hate themselves.

Ephesians 5:28-29 ESV  In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

In closing

Like our fingerprints and DNA, every person is uniquely created by God.

When it comes to abusive relationships, however, there are certain consistent patterns that play out because Satan uses the same old schemes against us, as described briefly in this blog post.

Isaiah 64:8 ESV  But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.

It is important to recognise that we are not alone and our troubles are not unique, and that there is great hope and redemption in God – more than we know how to ask or think. God knows us better than we know ourselves and He will help us when we humble ourselves before Him.

Ephesians 3:20 ESV  Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think,

This blog post is not about advocating whether one should leave or stay in an abusive relationship, only God has that answer for us. The aim here is to provide some clarity and points for reflection. What our next steps look like will be different for each one of us, but God will lead us along the narrow path of salvation if we are willing to seek Him through prayer and fasting. See The significance of fasting

In the meantime, Ephesians 3 is a prayer for us all.

Ephesians 3:16-21 NLT  I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.  Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love God with all your heart and seek His salvation from any abusive relationship.

Also, see Jesus frees banker from slavery to destructive patterns

Jesus frees banker from slavery to destructive patterns