Watch: Vanessa’s testimony

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Video transcript

I realised my ultimate destination was not healing I was chasing but returning to being a child leaning onto the Father.

Hi, I’m Vanessa, I became a Christian 15 years ago. Before that, I was quite anti-Christian. I looked for the meaning of life everywhere else, other than in Jesus. I would go after what I wanted with all that I had.

One thing I wanted was to be healed of emotional wounds. So, I attended a Christian healing conference. It was there that I said yes to Jesus and invited Him into my heart.

After that, I chased after more healing from past hurts through Christian ministry. There was always more joy afterward. I also studied the Bible and learnt about what it means to have an identity that is built on Jesus and not the world.

But none of the things transformed me in my deepest core. I felt like I was needing more healings, like it was never good enough or finished. I was more busy going back to the past to be healed, than living in the moment as God’s daughter. This inner experience contradicted the new creation life that I had read from the Bible. Yet I did not know what I need or what I was looking for.

Father God came to show me who He is.

I was in a Bible study one day when someone randomly asked me, “Do you know graphic design?” She needed to design a poster for an upcoming Fatherheart Ministries’ conference so I said yes to helping her. I had no idea who they were but I was given a free ticket to the event so I went.

At the conference, I heard their message on the heart of Father God and right there I said, “This is what I have been looking for!”

I had experiences of hearing Jesus say to me “I love you,” and I felt His passion for me. I also experienced the supernatural peace of the Holy Spirit. But when we came to God the Father, I felt I hadn’t experienced Him fully. I guess I thought that God was a bit like my earthly father. My earthly father was a great man and a providing father, he was present when I was growing up. At the same time, he was quiet and passive.

Romans 8:15 says, “For you received the Spirit, who made us sons and by whose power we cry out, “Abba!”

I read this and was troubled. “Abba”? That word for “dad” or “papa” in Hebrew represents intimacy and respect.

As a Chinese person, I was taught that it is my obligation to greet my parents first when I see them. You will hear a Chinese parent say to a child, “叫人啦”, call your elderly. I could not figure out an intimate name to call God as Father, so I tried. Okay, daddy is out because I call my earthly dad, daddy. So, Papa? That felt so icky. I thought to myself, “Let me fake it till I make it,” – like I can fake the intimacy!

It became clear to me that I did not have an intimacy with Him as my Father.

After the conference, I signed up for the next Fatherheart event to learn more. In the first session, I didn’t feel anything. They asked us to write a letter to repent on closing our hearts to our parents. I said to myself, “I have written letters to them to ask for their forgiveness already!” I did not know it was not at a heart level yet. Months later after another session, I felt the tangible love of God flow like volcanic lava into my gut when someone prayed for me. But Father God had more in store!

The next time, I brought a friend. This time, I experienced true repentance and remorse from my heart for closing my heart to my parents. When I mourned over it and cried, I felt like as if a hand reached into my heart to pluck something heavy out. I felt so much peace!

Then a stranger came up to me and whispered into my ears.

He said, “I will give you the word ‘Abba Father’ so when you hear it, you can give it back to Me.” The words pierced straight into my very core. I broke down wailing. It was such a deep cry. God knew my heart and it completely shattered every ounce of self reliance, independence, and loneliness in me.

When I shared my experience at the event, a woman came to me and said “It is true. When we are a baby, we don’t have the words. It is our father who must first say to us, ‘Call me daddy.’”  I realised nothing was initiated by me alone. I was never alone and I did not have to do everything myself first.

That evening, I lay on the floor when everyone else was worshipping and I asked Father God, “Then what can I do? I still need to do something, how about worship?” He answered me, “I live in you, I worship through you.” 

I still wanted something that I could do for Him, so I said, “Surely there is something basic, how about breathing!” He said “I live in you, I breathe for you.” That simple word “for” brought me back to being a child in need and experientially knowing that my Daddy’s got me.

I had just met my Heavenly Father who is the only Initiator for everything.

And I started to see it in so many places in the Bible where God is the One who leads us to repent, He causes our heart to desire, He will turn our hearts to our parents etc. The Source of everything is in the Father.

This deep gut transformative experience completely changed me. 

I realised my ultimate destination was not healing I was chasing but returning to being a child leaning onto the Father. In the leaning and relying on the Father, I felt more power, anchored in simply being His “Daddy’s girl”. It is all so real to me now.

Responding to this river of love He pours into me became more natural, loving on others became a bit easier, the walk as God’s daughter became more at ease. From a place of rest, it is effortless. That is the true freedom that the Bible talks about, and I felt like this is just the beginning of receiving this life-giving revelation. It is amazing!

I am a parent and all I want is that my kids experientially know my love.

My little boy would say, “I know you love me ‘cas you play with me.” My little girl would say, “I know because you kiss me.” As you watch this, I hope that you will seek this wonderful Papa God, He will be the One to initiate meeting with you.