Watch: Joseph’s testimony

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Video transcript

My drug problem lasted 24 years. Drugs burned up my youth, my future, and my relationships with my family. 

Hello everyone, I am Joseph Lam. I am 48 years old. I was born the youngest of four children.  My parents worked very hard and had very little time for us. Life was hard.

My father disciplined us very violently. I still remember, my brother once broke the rules in school. My father was very angry that he slapped his face. It made his nose bleed. My sister once talked back to my father. He beat her with a stick until it is broken.  I received fewer beatings, but I lived under the fear of punishment 24/7.

As a result, I had no choice but to be very obedient and be very careful with my words.

During junior high school, I got to know some bad influence and I picked up their addictions. I thought they looked so free, so happy and cool. So at 14, I learned to smoke, gamble, date girls and have sex.  I even started using heroin.  But as soon as I got home, I could turn back into the “good kid” in my parents’ eyes.

At first, using drugs was a way to make friends, to meet more girls.  But then I found drugs could increase the highs of sex. I became addicted. My drug problem lasted 24 years. Drugs burned up my youth, my future, and my relationships with my family.

Because of drugs and crime, I was in and out of police stations, hospitals, rehab centres and prison. 

During my time in prison, I joined other inmates to plant beads into my sex organ, because they told me it would give women more excitement.  I keep seeking pleasure and highs, and the effects of the drugs and lust were extremely destructive. My heart could never find satisfaction, and the self-condemnation ate me up.

Later, during my last time in prison, I met a pastor. He told me about Jesus and led me to follow Jesus as my Lord and Saviour. After I was released, the pastor introduced me to a Christian halfway house, where I learned how to follow Jesus and began a new life in Christ. I thank God that He saved me out of drugs and prison.

But I found that there was still lust that I needed to deal with. 

When I started dating my wife, she noticed that I looked at sexy women on the street. At first, I thought this was just basic male behaviour, no big deal. I told myself to be more careful to avoid hurting her. But when my wife kept seeing me looking at other women, I realised I could not even control my own eyes.

I needed help so I prayed for the Holy Spirit to reveal why I had this habit and lust. I noticed that when a sexy woman was near me, my heart became sensitive, and I couldn’t resist but take a look.  I found that the more I tried to resist, the more I want to look. Even though I tried, always failed. I even used the reflection in the train window to peer at her.

But after every time I looked, a voice accused me in my heart: “You are not good enough to be a son of God.”

“Your God is watching you, but He can’t help you.” “God will not listen to a sinner.”

During that time, my relationship with my wife was filled with failures.  I felt very ashamed of myself.  On the other hand, I felt very guilty for the way I was hurting her. Sometimes, after arguing with my wife, I felt so heavy from all the condemnation in my heart that I turned to alcohol for help. That is how I fell into another addiction. This was the most helpless stage of our marriage.

My wife and I prayed to Jesus in tears, begging God to find a way out.

A few months later, my pastor learnt of my struggle and invited me to attend a deliverance and inner healing group. They led me to forgive my father for his violence, and guide me to pour out all the shame and fear I felt, along with those years of pain. Then, the Holy Spirit guided me to cut off all lustful and evil desires linked to porn, to cancel every ungodly soul tie, and to cancel all the blood covenants I made in prison.

Finally, they prayed and blessed me, and asked me to hold myself, as a sign of Father God’s comfort and acceptance.

I felt a peace I never felt before — the noise in my mind, those condemning voices, became completely quiet.

At that moment, I asked the Holy Spirit, “What should I do next?” The Holy Spirit said, “Go and read the Bible, and get to know Me.” The group leader asked, “Which part of the Bible?” The Holy Spirit told me, “The whole Bible is all about Me.” Later, I came to know that this is exactly what John 5:39 says:

“You search the Scriptures because you think they will give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me!” (John 5:39 NLT) After this experience, when I walk on the street, I still face temptations of lust but that strong urge of “I must look” has decreased greatly.

I began to recognise the temptation and to deal with it using the way in the Bible, which is to “run!”

Proverbs 4:15 says: “Don’t even think about it; don’t go that way. Turn away and keep moving.” (Proverbs 4:15 NLT) I realised that I cannot prevent temptation but I can choose how to respond with the truth of the Bible. From then on, I began to be careful with my eyes, not looking around aimlessly, not to be like some hunter scanning for prey.

Many times on the subway, when a sexy woman appears, I pay attention to my heart, then I leave and move to the next section. If I still feel uneasy, I move to another section, until my heart is at peace. When I got home, I shared this with my wife and told her, “I truly love you, and I want you to face this with me.”  So we prayed, asked God to strengthen our relationship and help us run from temptation.

By overcoming my past failures, I finally recognise that those voices that told me, “You are condemned” and “God will turn away from you” were all from the enemy.

Now, my relationship with my wife is much more easy-going and smooth. 

Not because I have fixed all my problems, but because we have made God our help. Thank God! I know I am not perfect, I have my weaknesses but I now choose to quickly confess them, bringing them before God – because God has already seen everything. Thank God that the cross has paid for all of our sins and freed us from condemnation.

I am very grateful for God, He has never turned away from me. Now, my confession comes from a place of rest, and no longer out of panic.  All glory to God!