Have I grieved the Holy Spirit?

Father God is extravagantly good, kind and patient with all His children. He is fully aware of our shortcomings and distractions, and shows us grace when we fall short. He has called us to live each day by “every word that proceeds from the mouth of God” and not just on the rare occasion. But when we persistently dismiss or ignore His soft promptings and warnings in favour of our own choices, we not only grieve His Spirit, we can end up quenching His presence altogether. It is as if we were never reconciled to Him in the first place. Ephesians 4:30 tells us not to grieve the Holy Spirit. The root word in Greek for “grieve” here is “lupeó” which means to “cause distress” and to “make sorry”. How can we discern if we have distressed the Holy Spirit by our thoughts, words, attitudes, and behaviour?

(简体中文 > 我有否令圣灵担忧？ | 繁體中文 > 我有否令聖靈擔憂？)

Romans 2:4 NKJV  Or do you despise the riches of His goodness, forbearance, and longsuffering, not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?

John 4:24 NKJV  God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.”

Matthew 4:4 NKJV  But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.’ ”

Ephesians 4:30 NKJV  And do not grieve [lupeó] the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.

It might seem hard to believe that we can cause God sorrow and distress, but it is precisely because He loves us so passionately that He is grieved when we reject His voice. God the Father is not passive or apathetic, He sent Jesus to represent Him, to enter our pain, to come teach and comfort us and lead us out of darkness, and He sent His Spirit to be His gentle, ever-present voice to guide His children. 

John 14:26 AMP  But the Helper (Comforter, Advocate, Intercessor—Counselor, Strengthener, Standby), the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name [in My place, to represent Me and act on My behalf], He will teach you all things. And He will help you remember everything that I have told you.

God’s grief does not mean that He is weak, it shows us that He is not indifferent towards us. In His deep love for us, God the Father wants to bring us close to Him — because the consequences of being separated from Him are utterly devastating for us. He is a protective Father who guards us jealously. What is much, much worse is to have an apathetic Father. One can say that the opposite of love is not hatred, it is apathy!

James 4:5 NKJV  Or do you think that the Scripture says in vain, “The Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously”?

Another place we see the word, lupeó, used in God’s Word is in Matthew 26:36-39, which describes how sorrowful (lupeó) Jesus felt in the garden of Gethsemane, because of His impending betrayal and desertion from all His own disciples. If we want a picture of the Holy Spirit’s grief, we just need to imagine how Jesus felt in Gethsemane. Grieving the Holy Spirit, whom Jesus has sent to us, is a form of disloyalty and betrayal of our Saviour all over again.

Matthew 26:36-39 NKJV  Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful [lupeó] and deeply distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.” He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

Signs of having grieved the Holy Spirit

When the Holy Spirit comes to live inside us, unquenched, we will be set on fire for the things of God. We will have a hunger for the Word of God. Scripture comes alive with deeper spiritual understanding. We will begin to hear His voice more and more as our spiritual senses become activated. We also find that our conscience becomes heightened and we have no desire to sin anymore because there is a quick conviction of what is right or wrong in God’s eyes. We will exhibit the fruit of the Holy Spirit such as love, joy, and peace (Galatians 5:22-23). We develop godly wisdom, and so on. It is an amazing life with the Holy Spirit!

On the other hand, the Bible shows us that we can:

• Resist the Holy Spirit | Acts 7:51 NKJV  You stiff-necked and uncircumcised in heart and ears! You always resist the Holy Spirit; as your fathers did, so do you. 
• Grieve the Holy Spirit of God | Ephesians 4:30 NKJV  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 
• Quench the Spirit and snuff out His voice | 1 Thessalonians 5:19 NKJV  Do not quench the Spirit. 

The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of life, truth, wisdom, counsel, love, joy, and peace. When we grieve Him and lose our closeness with Him, we will start to experience the following:

1. Lack of pure unhindered joy, not feeling settled inside | Galatians 5:22-23 NKJV  But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.
2. Can’t feel a strong sense of God’s closeness and overwhelming love | Romans 5:5 NKJV  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
3. ⁠Not feeling enthusiastic / on fire / bold for the Lord | Acts 4:31 NKJV  And when they had prayed, the place where they were assembled together was shaken; and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit, and they spoke the word of God with boldness.
4. Diminished power and authority as witnesses for God | Acts 1:8 NKJV  But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.
5. Vulnerable to deception | John 16:13 NKJV  However, when He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth; for He will not speak on His own authority, but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come. 
6. Difficulty in overcoming obstacles in life | Psalm 16:11 NKJV  You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

If we continue in our ways and do not repent, we will quench the Holy Spirit and extinguish His presence altogether. In this next stage, we will feel:

1. Empty, dry and lifeless inside | Romans 8:10 NKJV  And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness.  
2. Joyless, anxious, and alone | Romans 14:17 NKJV  for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.
3. Heavy and burdened | Acts 9:31 NKJV  Then the churches throughout all Judea, Galilee, and Samaria had peace and were edified. And walking in the fear of the Lord and in the comfort of the Holy Spirit, they were multiplied.
4. No power to stand against the attacks of demons and can be easily overcome | Matthew 12:28 NKJV  But if I cast out demons by the Spirit of God, surely the kingdom of God has come upon you.  

One clear sign we have quenched the Holy Spirit is that others won’t feel the love of God from us, because it is the Holy Spirit who pours God’s love into us. Once He has been quenched, there is no outflow of His love from us to others either. We are like an empty bottle, incapable of giving good fruit of the Holy Spirit. (This is often the case with Christians who are in bondage to a stronghold of religiosity. They will do many “good works”, but inwardly, have rejected the power of the Holy Spirit to truly transform them from the inside out, as the testimony below shows. The reality is, the Lord values and rewards obedience, over and above our works. Also, see Jesus did not die for our religion.)

2 Timothy 3:5 NKJV having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!

Deuteronomy 28:1-2 NKJV  Now it shall come to pass, if you diligently obey the voice of the Lord your God, to observe carefully all His commandments which I command you today, that the Lord your God will set you high above all nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the Lord your God

This does not mean that God stops loving us though. Nothing can separate us from the love of God! 

Romans 8:38-39 NKJV  For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

It is we ourselves who have withdrawn from the Holy Spirit’s intimate presence and transformative power. We no longer abide in Him. If we don’t trust in God’s goodness but look to the things of this world or ourselves for answers, we will eventually depart from Him. (This world is very seductive and convincing in its temptations.) This is the essence of unbelief, which the Word of God calls evil in Hebrews 3:12. The root word for “evil” here is “ponéros”, which also means “grievous”. An unbelieving heart certainly grieves the Holy Spirit and it is an evil thing to grieve Him when He is so good, gracious, and faithful to us.

John 15:5-7 NKJV  “I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. 

Hebrews 3:12 NKJV  Beware, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil [ponéros] heart of unbelief in departing from the living God;

God upholds the free will He has given us. If we desire to have things our own way, He will graciously let us choose the things of this world over Himself — even if it grieves Him. When that happens though, we become more and more vulnerable to spiritual darkness. Then comes  the danger of us falling away altogether. This happens gradually over time, not overnight. 

We either please or grieve Him through our daily choices

Anyone can easily be deceived into thinking that we are righteous and in a right relationship with God because we do not commit “big” sins, such as adultery, murder, blasphemy, witchcraft, idol worship, and so on. What we may not realise is that we can repeatedly grieve the Holy Spirit and slowly extinguish His presence without us even being aware! Very often, we break our fellowship with God over time through simple daily choices. 

Here are some examples of how that can happen: 

• When a soft voice inside warns us against doing something and we harden our hearts and do it anyway (Hebrews 3:7-8)
• When we habitually give in to anger, fear, envy, personal ambition, greed, and various passions of our flesh (Ephesians 4:30-31)
• When we choose not to forgive others, as Jesus has commanded us to, and remain bitter in our hearts (Ephesians 4:30-32, Matthew 6:14-15)
• When we use our tongues to speak unkind things of other people who God also created and put His image in (Ephesians 4:30-32)
• When the Holy Spirit uses our conscience to instruct us to say sorry to or make something right with another person and we make a conscious choice to squash it and ignore it (James 4:17).

Ephesians 4:30-32 NKJV  And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.

One cannot expect the Holy Spirit to fellowship with anyone who chooses to walk in ways that are contrary to His gentle, loving, merciful and kind nature — and that are in fact, in the nature of Satan. That grieves our Father in heaven deeply. 

The Holy Spirit has come to help us become more and more like Jesus – not only in our thoughts and desires, but also in our power and authority over darkness. The warning in 2 Corinthians 6:14-7:11 against being “unequally yoked” is not just about avoiding marriage with a non-believer. It is about not being yoked to any form of darkness. When we lose our intimacy with the Holy Spirit (our yoke with Him), we will be seduced by spirits of darkness, since such spirits thrive in rebellion. The Word of God shows us there is no middle ground. We either choose Christ or Belial (a reference for Satan), righteousness or lawlessness, light or darkness. 

2 Corinthians 6:14-7:11 NKJV  Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will dwell in them And walk among them. I will be their God, And they shall be My people.” Therefore “Come out from among them And be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean, And I will receive you.” “I will be a Father to you, And you shall be My sons and daughters, Says the Lord Almighty.” Therefore, having these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God.

The type of pride that quenches the Holy Spirit 

In turning our hearts back to the Lord after grieving His Spirit, it might be helpful to deepen our understanding of what pride is. Before the Lord, pride is not that we think a little too highly of ourselves. This is not an issue for the Lord because He can certainly teach us a thing or two about humility, just as He did with the apostle Peter, for example. (Peter had proudly boasted that he would never abandon Jesus, even if everyone else did. However, Peter did end up denying Jesus three times before the crucifixion. Yet after Jesus rose from the dead, Peter was one of the first disciples Jesus sought to speak with. Jesus asked him three times, “Do you love me?”, each time commanding Peter to feed His sheep, shifting his focus to humble service.)

Pride before God is when we harden our hearts and resist Him. 

Hebrews 3:7-8 NKJV  Therefore, as the Holy Spirit says:  “Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion, In the day of trial in the wilderness,

A believer’s pride is rooted in self reliance. We don’t ask the Holy Spirit for God’s will and plans for each day. We lean on our understanding, make our own assumptions and plans, find ways to protect ourselves and build ourselves up, and so on. All these reflexes are hard wired into the sin-filled human psyche. In short, the flesh, along with all its passions and desires, has not been crucified. 

Proverbs 3:5-7 NKJV  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and depart from evil. 

Galatians 5:24-26 NKJV   And those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.

The Holy Spirit comes to bring a hard 180 degree overhaul so we begin to think and feel like Jesus — which is totally counterintuitive to how we have behaved all our lives. Unfortunately, our fallen human nature (flesh) dislikes change. Our flesh has a strong tendency to automatically fight and oppose anything that falls outside our comfort zone. 

Galatians 5:17 NKJV  For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish.

Such resistance grieves the Holy Spirit. Consider the fact that it was the Lord’s gentle “rhema”, His spoken revelatory word, that created all the worlds and the entire universe. What does it show of our view of God when we, who are created in God’s very own image, choose to resist His convictions and spurn His commandments? Is it not a grievous sin? There is a tendency amongst Christian circles to quote the first part of Romans 8:1; “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus”, without recognising that there is a condition that comes along with it. There is only no condemnation if we “do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” 

Hebrews 11:3 NKJV  By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word [rhema – spoken] of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible. 

Romans 8:1 NKJV  There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

The way not to fall into this trap is to care about the Holy Spirit’s feelings. We want to be people that the Spirit of God can trust with His feelings and His deep love for us. This is a daily choice, until we meet Jesus in heaven.

Testimony: Quenching the Holy Spirit

“I have been a Christian for over 15 years, baptised in the Holy Spirit. The Lord graciously gifted me with tongues and also words of knowledge from time to time. Much of my free time outside work was spent at church serving in different ministries. I felt that God must be quite pleased with all this effort because more and more people were joining the activities I was facilitating at church. Many looked up to me as a leader. Some even thought I was a full time church staff! But inside me, there was little joy and my personal prayers seemed to “hit a ceiling”. I didn’t think too much about it because of the results I was seeing. I felt that I must be doing the right thing.

One day, a sister-in-Christ brought me a word of knowledge and asked if there was anything holding me back from experiencing the joy of the Lord. The Holy Spirit then revealed to me, right there and then, that I had been holding on to bitterness towards my father, who was very abusive towards us. It never even occurred to me that I needed to forgive him, because I felt so justified in my grief and anger towards him, especially in the way he treated my mother. I judged him for being an awful father and man (which would have been a correct assessment on my part). 

But God doesn’t look at my dad the way I do. Jesus died for my dad too. With the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I knew I needed to let go of my resentments and forgive my dad.

Then, I realised I also needed to forgive many people at church who I felt had judged me! They represented people who should have shown me love and kindness but did not – just like my father. It was so hard to forgive them all but I knew I could not disobey God. I had to humble myself and let go of my self-righteous judgments. 

1 Peter 3:8-9 (NIV) says, “Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.”

After I forgave and blessed my father and those members at church, I experienced something amazing. There was a strong flush of joy that filled my whole body. It was so strong, it felt almost physical. What is more amazing is that after that, I began to hear from God the Father very clearly, see visions, and receive revelations about the prophetic times and seasons of the Lord. My desire to study the Bible and for personal private time with God the Father was set on fire. 

My walk with God the Father is now completely different. We have become so close. The Holy Spirit is present wherever I am, it is almost as if I can sense His breath on me, so to speak. 

Looking back, I can now see that the ministry growth I witnessed was based on the talents that God had given me, rather than on God’s will. I had quenched the Holy Spirit by using my own understanding and skills. This still somewhat alarms me. I realised that I had been drawing people to Christian activity that helped them feel better for a while, but not so much to the Author of Life and Healer Himself. This is something I had to repent of and ask God for forgiveness for. 

Today, I don’t feel the need to do lots of ministry work anymore. I don’t feel the need to justify myself or to look like a good Christian. I just follow the voice of my Shepherd to go where He wants me to serve. I rest knowing that I am His child. Children don’t have to work for the Father’s love. Thank you, Holy Spirit, for pouring the Father’s love and assurance into my heart.”

May this sharing be a blessing to you as you seek to love the Lord with all your heart and never grieve the Holy Spirit.